


no direction home

by knightspur



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Minor Boo Seungkwan/Choi Hansol | Vernon, Mutual Pining, Porn with Feelings, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-19 06:34:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 46,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13698873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightspur/pseuds/knightspur
Summary: Whatever the occasional encounters of the last few months have meant, Seokmin is utterly sure of two things:The first is that no matter what they are after Soonyoung leaves the country, Seokmin wants to spend as much time with him as possible before he goes.The second, as much as part of him might wish otherwise, is he’s totally, stupidly in love with Kwon Soonyoung.--Or, Seokmin and Soonyoung get together, separate, and fall in love. Not entirely in that order.





	1. near

If Seokmin had to say what started the whole affair it wouldn’t be the obvious thing. That is to say, it started before it was him and Soonyoung, half-drunk and trying to fit in one standard dorm bed, giggling into each other’s mouths— everything shiny and new.

That’s where he starts later when he’s trying to explain himself to Seungkwan, but it really begins like this:

Seokmin and Soonyoung are both in Seokmin’s dorm room; everything is into and they haven’t stumbled over that first blurry line in their friendship yet. Soonyoung has taken over the desk, glaring absently at the screen of his laptop.

“There’s no way I’d get in,” Soonyoung says, scratching the back of his head with a small scowl. It’s at least the third time in a row he’s said it-- like he can somehow talk himself out of being ambitious and talented enough to try. Seokmin looks up from pretending to read his textbook to thump Soonyoung on the back of the head with one of his pillows.

“Just submit it,” he says, laughing when Soonyoung yelps out an uncertain sound like he isn’t sure what just happened. Seokmin shoots him a little grin, reclaiming the pillow before Soonyoung can use it against him in return. Soonyoung looks at him with a pout on his face, puffing out his cheeks.

“LA is too far away,” he says, shaking his head. He stands, turning to fall face first on the bed next to Seokmin. His next words come out muffled. “And like, a million people are gonna apply.”

“So what?” Seokmin says, poking at Soonyoung’s side until he nearly squirms off of the edge of the bed. “You’ll get it if you try.”

He doesn’t know that much for sure, but Seokmin’s confidence in him has been unshakable for as long as he’s known Soonyoung. They met mostly by dumb luck on Seokmin’s third day of school and their friendship fell into place in the span of a single moment. So the fact that they’ve only known each other for three years doesn’t really matter as far as Seokmin is concerned— in ten lifetimes his belief in Soonyoung won’t have changed.

“You know I’m awful at English,” Soonyoung says, picking his face up from the mattress finally. It’s a last-ditch effort to avoid the future and Seokmin laughs, patting Soonyoung’s head.

“It’s a study abroad program in _dance._ How much do you need to talk?” Seokmin asks, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. Soonyoung seems to think that over for a moment before he lays his chin on his hands and sighs out loud.

“You really think I should do it?”

“I really do, hyung.” Truth be told, Seokmin doesn’t know much about studying abroad or dancing in America, but he knows plenty about Soonyoung and that’s what matters. The details matter less than the glitter he can see in Soonyoung’s eyes. This is the kind of thing that Soonyoung has dreamed about for as long as Seokmin has known him.

Soonyoung’s dreams have always been larger than life, just like Soonyoung himself. But that’s what Seokmin likes best about him; he makes the world seem like a bigger place and everything that tries to hold him back seems so much smaller. Seokmin gives his shoulder a little nudge, grinning still.

“Besides, Hansol can teach you English,” he says, pulling his book back into his lap. Soonyoung laughs before heaving himself up again, taking his seat at the desk. He stares at the screen, chewing on his lower lip. His eyes dart over to Seokmin again, like he wants to ask one more time if he’s sure about this.

But he must change his mind because he turns back to the screen and hits the **SUBMIT** button with a decisive click of the mouse. He watches the page change, tongue swiping over his lower lip. When the page changes to thank him for his application, Soonyoung throws himself back onto the bed with a loud groan.

“I’m gonna puke,” he says, complaining and Seokmin shakes his head with a laugh, rubbing his knuckles over Soonyoung’s back.

“You’ll be fine— you’re gonna get in,” he says, the words coming out light and easy.

Soonyoung turns to stare up at him, his face half hidden when he drags a pillow closer to lay his cheek on it. But Seokmin can see the smile he’s trying to hide, his fingers squeezing the pillow tight.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice coming out a little soft. Seokmin smiles, still rubbing circles on Soonyoung’s back.

“Of course,” he says, shrugging once more and looking back at his book and keeping his hand at the small of Soonyoung’s back.

It won’t be until much later that he realizes this is when change starts catching up to the two of them. The first grain of sand hitting the bottom of the hourglass.

**{* * *}**

Unfortunately, as nervous as he was about applying for the study abroad program, Soonyoung is only more nervous about the whole thing once his application has actually been sent in. He isn’t supposed to hear back for weeks, but he can’t get himself to stop thinking about it for more than a few minutes at a time.

So it’s not exactly luck that leads him to spending the night out with Seokmin. The party the two of them end up at is loud and crowded and everything that Soonyoung so badly needs. He doesn’t have to think about the future or his anxieties about the application. All he has to do is let his drink burn in the back of his throat and find someone cute to dance with him. 

His preference for the latter is Seokmin since they came together and Soonyoung is planning on going home the same way. Besides, no matter what Seokmin says about himself, he’s a perfectly good dancer— especially when he stops worrying about being good at it.

Currently, Soonyoung is at the mercy of a soccer player who’s been looking for a chance to get him into bed and while Soonyoung isn’t against the idea, he would much rather spend the night dragging Seokmin around the dance floor and listening to him sing loudly to all the songs that come on. He cranes his neck, trying to peek over the soccer guy’s shoulder and signal for Seokmin to come rescue him.

It’s a struggle, though, because the guy is nearly the size of Mingyu and Soonyoung has had just enough to drink that he wobbles on his tiptoes. Which, of course, makes Soccer Guy laugh and reach out to steady him by his waist.

“You alright?” He asks, leaning in way too close, his breath blowing hot over Soonyoung’s cheek. Soonyoung has to struggle not to wrinkle his nose in distaste.

“I’m looking for my friend,” he says, his back digging into the hard counter when he leans back. Soccer Guy looks like he’s trying to angle for a kiss and Soonyoung has to think as best he can on his feet. “He just got dumped so I’m cheering him up tonight.”

“Oh,” Soccer Guy says, his sweaty palm falling away from Soonyoung’s side. “That sucks.”

He’s probably talking more about Soonyoung than Seokmin’s fictional breakup but Soonyoung still uses it as a chance to edge himself free. He can see Seokmin without his oaf of a suitor blocking the way, leaning on the wall with a small smile on his face. Soonyoung sort of wants to sigh in relief realizing that he doesn’t have to chase away someone hitting on Seokmin as well.

He grins when Soonyoung makes his way over, the smile on his face already teasing. “I didn’t think I’d see you again tonight.”

Soonyoung laughs, shaking his head and tapping the rim of his plastic cup against Seokmin’s. “I’m sorry you just got dumped in that joining and traumatic way.”

“That’s what you came up with?” He asks, tipping the contents of his cup back. Seokmin’s eyes curve upward as he grins, leaning his head just a little bit to the side. “I got dumped?”

“You got dumped and you need me to cheer you up,” Soonyoung confirms, one hand on his hip, pushing his lower lip out in a sulk. “I’d like to see you do better with someone trying to make out with you.”

“No one wants to try,” Seokmin says, his nose wrinkling as he laughs. Soonyoung wants to keep arguing that point with him, but he finishes his own drink instead, reaching out to grasp Seokmin’s wrist.

“Dance,” he says, an order more than a question. Seokmin’s smile descends just a little, looking like he wants to argue before he gives in and lets Soonyoung pull him away from the wall.

There are dimly twinkling Christmas lights hung over the space cleared for dancing and they cast shadows over Seokmin’s face, dancing on the sharp angles of his cheekbones. He looks handsome and it isn’t the first time that Soonyoung has thought so.

Over the years, Soonyoung has come to the conclusion that Seokmin is the kind of handsome that sneaks up on you— one day he looks perfectly average, but over time it becomes clear that his features add up to a much more eye-catching young man than they have any right to. Or maybe it’s just his heart that Soonyoung has come to find so attractive. He doesn’t know anyone else half as kind as Lee Seokmin and that counts for more than the sharp slope of his nose or the laugh lines by his eyes.

“Are you still freaking out?” Seokmin asks, loud enough to be heard over the pounding bass. Soonyoung can’t help but scowl a bit, nodding his head. He’s reluctant to let on exactly how nervous he’s been these last few days, but it probably shows despite his best efforts. Seokmin’s smile is sympathetic and when he lays a hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder, Soonyoung grabs it and moves it to the dip of his waist instead. 

“I don’t wanna think about it,” he says, shaking his head and reeling Seokmin in closer to him. “I just wanna have fun.”

Seokmin nods, adjusting his grasp on Soonyoung’s waist to be on. He’s doing his best to follow along with the rolling grind of Soonyoung’s hips. He’s still over thinking his movements, not quite meeting up with the rhythm of the music, his free hand hanging limply at his side. Their hips bump together a little awkwardly and Soonyoung laughs, grasping his hips with both hands to try and lead Seokmin along.

“I’m still no good at this,” Seokmin says, his voice vibrating the shell of Soonyoung’s ear. Soonyoung shakes his head, letting one hand slide past the flare of his hips to pinch at one of Seokmin’s thighs.

“You just think too hard about it,” he says, giggling when Seokmin yelps, smoothing his thumb over the spot. And okay, yes, the thighs definitely belong on Soonyoung’s list of _“Things that make Lee Seokmin Attractive”_. His hand lingers there, feeling the flex of his muscles as he moves. Soonyoung is reluctant to pull his hand away but it doesn’t seem like Seokmin minds his touch. So Soonyoung leaves his hand there, squeezing Seokmin’s warm thigh with a grin.

“I’m not good enough not to think about it,” Seokmin says, complaining just a little. Soonyoung laughs, his head ducking forward to rest against Seokmin’s shoulder. It's not until he feels the buzz of Seokmin’s laughter against the back of his neck that he recognizes how close the two of them are. One of his legs is trapped between Seokmin’s thighs and Seokmin’s hand on his side; they’re tangled until it’s hard to find their proper ends. He tilts his face a little bit toward Seokmin’s, grinning when he catches him humming along to the music.

It’s comfortable for Soonyoung to be so wrapped up in Seokmin like this, maybe more than it should be. It’s not the first time that Seokmin has felt like something more than just a best friend— like there’s something greater lurking just beneath the surface of their friendship, just far enough away that Soonyoung can’t be sure of it. But like all the other times he’s had this feeling, Soonyoung isn’t sure if he wants to know what that something more could be. He curls his hand around Seokmin’s thigh, giving the firm muscle another playful squeeze.

“I need another drink,” Soonyoung says, once the song has ended and he’s lost his best excuse for clinging to Seokmin. Seokmin nods, dropping his hand from Soonyoung’s waist and following him to get one as well.

The kitchen is just as dark as the rest of the packed house and its a struggle for Soonyoung to mix himself a drink without spilling it all over the floor and his shoes. He manages, though he ends up with a much stronger drink than he planned on and after he takes a long sip of it he coughs.

Seokmin laughs, slapping the back of Soonyoung’s shoulder to help him breathe again. “You okay, hyung?”

“Too strong,” Soonyoung says, his voice a raspy wheeze. Seokmin grins, plucking the cup from Soonyoung’s hand and drinking some of it himself.

The regret that crosses his face makes Soonyoung laugh, watching the bob of his throat as he struggles to swallow. They finish the drink by passing it back and forth and by the time they reach the bottom Soonyoung feels too light and fluid on his feet, like all of his bones are suddenly gone. He stumbles forward into the solid pillar of Seokmin’s chest, laughing when Seokmin reaches out a beat too late to catch him, his arms wrapping around Soonyoung’s shoulders.

“Take me home, stud,” Soonyoung says, nuzzling Seokmin’s chest. Seokmin laughs again, his breath warm on top of Soonyoung’s head.

“Do I have to carry you?” He asks, squeezing Soonyoung’s shoulders. Soonyoung nods, swaying on his feet when Seokmin steps away. He turns around, leaning over to let Soonyoung climb onto his back, arms wrapping tightly around Seokmin’s neck. Seokmin sways a little under the added weight, taking a moment to find his balance, but when he starts walking he’s steady.

He lets Soonyoung ride on his back all the way to his room, bending down to set him on the bed carefully. Soonyoung grins, pulling Seokmin down on top of him, arms and legs latched around him.

“Hyung!” Seokmin says, whining as he tries to wiggle his way free.

“You’re warm,” Soonyoung says, nuzzling his cheek against Seokmin’s shoulder.

“At least flip me over,” Seokmin says, gasping dramatically when Soonyoung lets go of him. “I feel like a turtle stuck on its back.”

He rolls to the side, flopping on the bed half on top of Soonyoung with a grin. “You’re so clingy, Soonie.”

“No one else will cuddle with me,” Soonyoung says, snaking his arms around Seokmin again. After some more wiggling around they end up with Soonyoung’s cheek laying on Seokmin’s chest, one of Seokmin’s arms trapped under him. Soonyoung is still struggling with the giggles that come over him in waves, leaning his head into the gentle scratch of Seokmin’s fingers on his scalp.

“Hey,” he says after catching himself staring at Seokmin’s lips without thinking. Seokmin tilts his head to look down at Soonyoung properly, one eyebrow raised. A product of the alcohol, Soonyoung doesn’t think about the next thing out of his mouth. “Is it cool if I kiss you?”

Seokmin’s face flushes faintly pink, his tongue dragging over his lower lip so slow it feels like torture watching. Soonyoung plucks nervously at the fabric of Seokmin’s shirt while Seokmin deliberates, trying to keep himself from squirming around impatiently.

“Yeah,” Seokmin says after a much shorter moment in reality than in Soonyoung’s head, tilting his face towards Soonyoung. “That’s cool.”

“Cool,” Soonyoung repeats, propping himself up on his palms to lean over and press their lips softly together.

It’s not the most explosive kiss of Soonyoung’s whole life— instead, it’s soft and a little clumsy at the start. Seokmin tilts his head, his fingers tangling gently in the thick hair at the back of Soonyoung’s head, thumb stroking the nape of his neck. But it’s nice, kissing him without feeling a burning need for anything else. He smiles against Seokmin’s mouth, leaning most of his weight on his chest.

When he pulls back he grins down at Seokmin, pecking him on the lips once more. “Cool?”

“Quit saying cool,” Seokmin says, tilting his head back with a laugh. “I feel like I’m kissing Hansol.”

“Gross,” Soonyoung says, wrinkling his nose at the thought. Seokmin laughs, pulling Soonyoung into another kiss. Soonyoung goes easily into it, doing his best not to giggle.

They stay like that for awhile, exchanging slow kisses and laughing against each other’s lips. Seokmin leans his head back to yawn, stretching as best he can with Soonyoung still laying on top of him.

“Are you staying here?” He asks, his voice already fuzzy with the promise of sleep. Soonyoung nods, rolling over to wiggle his pants off, giving Seokmin a chance to turn off the lights.

The narrow bed forces them to lie close— legs woven together as Soonyoung spoons up against Seokmin’s back. He curls one arm over Seokmin’s chest, his forehead pressed to the nape of his neck.

It’s comfortable and it only takes a moment for Soonyoung to fall asleep.

**{* * *}**

It could be awkward— waking up on a Saturday morning and remembering you spent the better part of last night making out with your best friend. But Seokmin doesn’t do very well when things get awkward and so when he wakes up with Soonyoung pressed in one long, warm line against his back he decides not to say anything about the night before.

After all, he said it was okay if they kissed and it’s not like there was anything weird about it. There’s not much more for him to say about it.

“Mornin’,” Soonyoung mumbles into Seokmin’s shoulders, his voice still raspy with sleep.

“Hey,” Seokmin says, shifting to lay on his back. Soonyoung sits up with a groan, stretching his arms over his head.

“Your bed is way too small,” he says, looking down at Seokmin with a grin.

“You have your own,” Seokmin says, rolling his eyes. Soonyoung sticks his lower lip out in a pout.

“But then I’d be by myself,” he says, shaking his head. “Unless you wanna sleep there next.”

“That’s what you have Wonwoo-hyung for,” Seokmin says, sitting up now as well. It brings their faces close together and he can feel his own cheeks going red at the proximity. It’s not as if it’s strange for the two of them to wake up like this— Soonyoung is tactile by nature and Seokmin is one of his favorite targets.

Soonyoung, after a heartbeat that Seokmin can feel in the back of his throat, smiles and just like that Seokmin can feel the tension ease out of his shoulders.

“Wanna get food?” Soonyoung asks, his whole posture easy and relaxed. Seokmin can feel a smile settle on his face and he’s helpless to try and stop it.

“Yeah,” he says, nodding and swinging his legs off the bed.

“Cool,” Soonyoung says, his lip caught between his teeth as he laughs. Seokmin turns quickly away, his face burning once again.

And that’s the most either of them says about the kissing.

**{* * *}**

When Soonyoung gets the acceptance for his study abroad application, he’s watching Wonwoo sort their mingled laundry into lights and darks, sitting on top of one of the washing machines. All he has left clean is a pair of briefs and a gray hoodie that he’s pretty sure once belonged to Seokmin (before Soonyoung took it, of course). So, it looks a little ridiculous when he flings himself off the machine with a shout.

He also manages to kick over one of Wonwoo’s laundry piles. Wonwoo glares up at him, long fingers grasping around one of his ankles in an effort to stop the destruction. “Have you lost your mind?”

Rather than answer, Soonyoung just shoves his phone into Wonwoo’s face, the fact that he’s still vibrating with glee making it impossible to actually read anything on the screen. Wonwoo releases his ankle with a with, taking the phone and reading the email with both eyebrows lifted.

“I told you you’d get it,” Wonwoo says, a grin on his face as he hands the phone back. Soonyoung would usually roll his eyes but he’s too excited to bicker with Wonwoo. “Gonna go tell your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Soonyoung says, even though he knows exactly who Wonwoo means. Most of his time lately has been spent with Seokmin, which on its own isn’t unusual.

But a considerable chunk of that time has been spent kissing, or, on at least one memorable occasion, with Soonyoung’s hand in Seokmin’s pants.

It’s all been very spur of the moment and they haven’t talked about any of it after. And while Soonyoung might not know what their relationship should be called at this point, he knows that they aren’t a couple. 

Wonwoo just rolls his eyes, tossing a pair of pants at Soonyoung with a huff. They could belong to either of them but Soonyoung wiggles them on without pointing that out.

It’s late afternoon on a Sunday, which means Soonyoung catches Seokmin in the middle of the time-honored tradition of avoiding his homework. So, when Soonyoung bursts in after knocking twice Seokmin looks up with a smile.

“Hey, hyung,” he says, shoving his book away almost too eagerly. He doesn’t seem very surprised to see Soonyoung, and Mingyu’s tidy half of the room is currently empty.

Rather than dwell on either of those things, Soonyoung drops his phone into Seokmin’s lap with a triumphant flourish added on. He can’t help but bounce on his toes, still riding high on the waves of his excitement. Seokmin’s smile grows as he looks over the message and he drops the phone to the bed, hopping to his feet as well.

Having known Seokmin, Soonyoung is expecting the bone-crushing hug. However, when Seokmin pulls back slightly to kiss him, that is a surprise. The kiss has all of Seokmin’s usual bruising enthusiasm and Soonyoung takes a moment to catch up, opening his mouth to the prodding of Seokmin’s tongue.

“Sorry,” he says, several minutes later, breathless and pink-cheeked, a grin still on his face. “I’m really glad you got in.”

“I am too,” Soonyoung says, pushing Seokmin onto the bed, making the old springs groan in protest. Seokmin laughs, the sound catching in his throat when Soonyoung settles on the bed between his thighs. He runs his hands over them, feeling the tension in his bunched muscles through his joggers. Part of him wants to single-minded to appreciate the novelty of having Seokmin under him like this, but a much bigger part is impatient to actually do something about it. He pushes Seokmin to the mattress underneath him, pressing their lips together again.

Seokmin makes a little sound that gets lost between them but it makes heat curl in the pit of Soonyoung’s stomach. His fingers tighten where they’re holding onto Seokmin’s thighs, denting in the soft flesh. He presses his tongue more firmly against Seokmin’s, pressing their bodies tightly together.

He’s not sure if the desire to have Seokmin like this is something new or if it was there well before the blurring of the lines in their relationship. Either way, it adds an edge to the novelty of it all— a hunger that he isn’t used to feeling around Seokmin. It seems like Seokmin is struggling with some of the same though, judging by the solid press of his cock against Soonyoung’s hip.

When Soonyoung pulls back from the kiss, Seokmin ducks his head like he’s embarrassed, even as Soonyoung nips at the side of his jaw, dragging his hands over Seokmin’s thighs once again.

“We should do something to celebrate,” Seokmin says, sounding distracted. His hips arch up slightly into the palms of Soonyoung’s hands.

“This is celebrating," Soonyoung says, his mouth still on Seokmin’s neck. “Do you wanna do something else?”

Soonyoung can’t help but laugh when he asks, his breath blowing warm over the side of Seokmin’s throat. Seokmin laughs as well, the sound getting caught in his throat. Soonyoung’s teeth must find a sensitive spot on his neck because Seokmin’s hips jerk up

“Not right now,” Seokmin says, his hands grasping at Soonyoung’s shoulders. Soonyoung grins down at him, nudging the hem of his shirt up with one eyebrow raised. He’s always a little worried about getting too excited, too carried away when it comes to Seokmin. In the past, it’s just been about dragging him on too many badly thought out schemes, but when it comes to hooking up like this, Soonyoung has to take an extra moment to remind himself.

“Is this alright?” He asks, voice a little shaky with nerves. Seokmin blinds up at him before nodding, a shy grin on his face.

“This is fine, hyung,” he says, dropping one hand from Soonyoung’s back to grasp his wrist instead. He tugs gently, guiding Soonyoung’s hand under his shirt. Soonyoung’s palm skims up his ribcage, continuing after Seokmin lets go. “I don’t, um, mind.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Soonyoung says, grinning. He’s encouraged regardless, teasing Seokmin’s legs further apart so he can press their bodies flush together.

It puts him in a much better position to grind their hips together. It makes Seokmin gasp, his fingers going tight at his back. Soonyoung has to swallow down a sound at the welcome friction, biting down on his lower lip and holding it between his teeth. He repeats the motion, sawing his hips back and forth, rubbing their clothed cocks together. His pace is slow to start, but it still manages to draw a few low whines out of Seokmin, his knees pressed tight into Soonyoung’s hips.

In response, Soonyoung has his face pressed into Seokmin’s collarbone. The pace of his hips is rough and a little uneven and he’s about to lift his head and suggest at least one of them take off their pants when he hears the door behind him unlatch and groan open.

Which means Mingyu is standing in the doorway and watching the both of them with an expression of pure shock. Soonyoung isn’t sure if Seokmin shoves him off or if he goes on his own, but they separate like a grenade blew them apart.

“Um,” Mingyu says, hovering in the doorway still, staring at the two of them like he’s still trying to process what he’s seeing. Unfortunately, Soonyoung has no idea what to say and it seems like Seokmin doesn’t either. His lips still have that buzzing, numb feeling that comes from kissing and his mind feels like mush.

“I can leave,” Mingyu says, and that manages to get through it seems because Seokmin, in spite of his cherry red face, shakes his head furiously.

“Stay! Hyung and I were just…” He trails off quickly, which is just as well as far as Soonyoung is concerned because it was plenty clear what they were doing.

“I got into the study abroad thing,” Soonyoung says, mostly in the hope that it’ll distract Mingyu. It works, too. Rather than continuing to look at the both of them in total confusion, Mingyu swings the door shut and crosses the room in two long strides to pull Soonyoung into a hug.

Soonyoung coughs in surprise, doing his best to keep his hips (and his quickly deflating boner) away from Mingyu. He’s definitely gushing congratulations over Soonyoung’s head but it’s hard to make himself focus on them. He can’t help but stare at Seokmin instead. Soonyoung is probably just as vibrantly pink as Seokmin is if the heat he can feel in his ears is an indication. When Mingyu finally releases him, Soonyoung glances nervously between him and Seokmin, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“I should get back to, um, laundry,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. Part of him wants to drag Seokmin along in the hopes of finishing what they’d started, but the thought of the judgmental look that Wonwoo would definitely give him makes Soonyoung want to wither on the spot.

“I’ll see you later,” Seokmin says, his voice barely above a mumble.

Soonyoung would like to think, for the sake of his pride, that he isn’t fleeing the scene, but it’s hard to describe it any other way.

**{* * *}**

The aftermath of getting caught with Soonyoung isn’t exactly what Seokmin expects. He was anticipating questions and the news being eagerly passed on to Minghao, so he could ask his own questions and they could both tease him. But Mingyu is oddly subdued after Soonyoung beats his hasty retreat. He goes to sit at his desk, rooting through his notes with no real studying being done.

It’s driving Seokmin crazy because he’s never known Mingyu to respect his privacy even a little bit and it’s strange that he isn’t peppering Seokmin with questions. If it’s some weird tactic to get Seokmin to spill— it works.

“I’m not dating Soonyoung-hyung,” he says, his voice too loud after Mingyu’s careful silence. Mingyu turns to blink at him, opening his mouth like he’s going to say something but Seokmin beats him to it. “We’re just— having fun. I mean it’s not like… an arrangement or anything.”

Mingyu grins a little and Seokmin wants to smack himself for babbling. “I didn’t think you were together.”

“Oh,” Seokmin says, feeling a little defeated. He’s not sure why— he’s _not_ dating Soonyoungwantswantsand as far as he can tell, that’s fine with Soonyoung as well. “You didn’t?”

“Well he’s gonna be gone in a few months,” Mingyu says, shrugging one shoulder. “It wouldn’t really make sense if you started dating now, would it?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin says, his voice carrying more conviction than he really feels. He’s never been a very good liar, but Mingyu looks away before he has to struggle to get his features in line. Unfortunately, it means Seokmin is left to think to think about the situation on his own. It’s true that in a few months Soonyoung will be gone overseas, but in his excitement, Seokmin hadn’t really thought about what that would mean for his friendship with Soonyoung.

Suddenly the idea of Soonyoung going away seems much more terrifying than exciting, at least from Seokmin’s point of view. Up to this point, Seokmin hasn’t put much thought into what they’ve been doing. Maybe it’s because Soonyoung is a constant in his life and there was plenty of time to just let their relationship grow on its own.

But now Soonyoung is leaving in a few months, to live on an entirely different continent halfway across the world. Without thinking about it, Seokmin stands and crosses the room to drape himself over Mingyu’s back, groaning into his sweater.

Mingyu jumps in surprise, wiggling his shoulders in a vain effort to dislodge Seokmin. “What?”

“Soonyoung-hyung is leaving,” he says, his voice a little muffled. “What am I gonna do?”

“I thought you were fine with it,” Mingyu asks, turning around when Seokmin stands up.

“I thought I was too,” he says, a frown on his face. It was a much easier pill to swallow when he wasn’t thinking about how much he likes Soonyoung.

“You said you weren’t dating him,” Mingyu says, his eyes narrowed in accusation.

“I’m not!” Seokmin says, a whine in his voice. He has both hands held up defensively in front of him. “But I kind of want to.”

Mingyu doesn’t quite frown, but he doesn’t look happy about the declaration either. “You’re just figuring that out now?”

“Quit making it sound like that,” Seokmin says, flopping face down on Mingyu’s bed with a long groan. From the desk, Mingyu laughs a little.

“Sound like what?” He says, laughter still in his voice. Seokmin lifts his head with a sigh, laying his chin on his arms, stretching out over Mingyu’s bed without paying attention to rumpling Mingyu’s neat sheets.

“Like I should have figured this out before,” Seokmin says, wrinkling his nose a little when Mingyu smiles at him. Mingyu’s smile grows a little bigger and Seokmin resists the urge to drop his face into the bed again and hide.

“Are you gonna tell him?” Mingyu says after a moment of thought and then Seokmin does hide his face again, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I don’t know,” he says, his voice coming out indistinct. “I don’t think I should.”

Mingyu hums softly, the bed dipping slightly under his added weight as he lays down next to Seokmin, on his back instead. Seokmin lifts his face with a little frown, bumping his temple against Mingyu’s shoulder. “Do you?”

“Do I what?” Mingyu asks, the tease of a grin on his face showing off his tiger smile. “I don’t wanna ask Soonyoung-hyung out.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Seokmin says, rolling his eyes and giving Mingyu a shrug.

“I dunno,” Mingyu says, after taking a moment to think about it. “It’s kinda a big thing, right? To start dating right before he leaves.”

“Right,” Seokmin says, feeling a little deflated. Part of him was counting on Mingyu’s overly dramatic imagination to tell him that it would be romantic, somehow. It doesn’t even feel romantic to Seokmin— if he confessed to Soonyoung now the best case scenario would still only have them together for a few months before Soonyoung flies off to LA.

And Seokmin doesn’t really want to think about the worst-case scenario. Instead, he pushes himself up using Mingyu’s shoulder, pushing his fingers back through his hair and shaking his head. “I think I’m okay like this.”

Mingyu has both eyebrows raised, disbelieving, and Seokmin just shrugs a shoulder rather than argue with him. “Things are good right now, I’d only mess it up.”

With a huff, Mingyu shoves Seokmin the rest of the way off of his bed, shaking his head a little. “You’re too indecisive.”

In return, Seokmin can’t help but grin. “I’m not sure about that.”

Even if it’s partly out of pity, Mingyu laughs, and that’s enough for Seokmin.

**{* * *}**

It comes as something of a surprise to Soonyoung that Hansol turns out to be a more than passable tutor, in spite of Soonyoung’s seriously lacking talent for English. They don’t have any real textbooks to work from, just the pocket phrase guide that Soonyoung’s parents gave him along with a parcel of other gifts that are supposed to help him get ready to move to LA.

“How do you read any of this?” Soonyoung grumbles, seated on Hansol’s floor with his knees drawn up close to his chest, the book against his thighs. He has his face close to the pages, squinting at the small, strange type and willing it to make any sense to him at all.

“I learned it before I learned Korean,” Hansol says, shrugging his shoulders. He has one of his wide, toothy grins on his face, sitting on the bed above Soonyoung, his arms draped over the side. “You’ll probably pick up on a lot once you get there, too.”

“I hope so,” Soonyoung says, leaning his head back against the bed with a sigh. Truth be told, his mind is only half on the set of semi-useful phrases he’s been trying all week to learn. Getting ready for his study abroad has involved more work than Soonyoung expected; learning a new language, making sure he would have a room to stay in at the university in LA, buying his plane ticket and soothing all of his mom’s worries that he’s somehow going to get swept up in some American gang movie.

Rather than study more, he just wants to stretch out on Hansol’s floor and watch one of the goofy comedy movies he likes, or try to drop a 30th subtle hint that he should ask Seungkwan on a date.

Or go drag Seokmin away from Mingyu and Minghao and kiss him until the world stops spinning.

The last thought makes Soonyoung scowl at the ceiling for a moment, shaking his head and sitting up a little further, returning to glaring at the book. No matter how hard he tries, Soonyoung can’t seem to keep his thoughts of Seokmin at bay— not that he’s been trying very hard at all lately.

He expected that within a few weeks they wouldn’t be able to keep up this sort of friends-with-benefits arrangement without running into some kind of trouble, but his relationship with Seokmin is as smooth as ever. Maybe better now with the addition of getting to kiss him whenever they have a moment for it. It’s easier than he thought it would be, but that might just be the effect of his natural chemistry with Seokmin, whatever that means.

“Hey,” he says, poking Hansol in the shoulder. “What does this say?”

He holds the book up for Hansol to examine, trying to take his mind off of thoughts of Seokmin and kissing. Hansol’s laugh blows warm over his head.

 _”Do you have money for the pay phone?”_ He says, and Soonyoung scrunches his face up a little, not understanding. Hansol rolls his eyes at the book, flipping the page. “How old is this thing?”

“It’s from when my parents went to America,” Soonyoung says, stretching his legs out and shaking his head. “It’s probably older than I am.”

“I don’t think you’re gonna need a pay phone,” Hansol says, his grin getting wider. “There’s a section on flirting?”

“Oh, that’ll help me,” Soonyoung says, grinning now himself. He can’t help but find Hansol’s smile infectious, teasing a laugh out of him in spite of the stress.

 _”If I said you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?”_ Hansol says in English, chuckling as he reads it. Soonyoung’s eyebrows knit closer together and Hansol repeats himself in Korean. Soonyoung giggles as well, shaking his head.

“Do people really say things like that?” He asks and Hansol lifts one shoulder in a shrug.

“I don’t think so. I don’t think it’d work very well,” he says, laying his chin on his arms and shaking his head.

“I bet Seungkwannie would think that’s funny,” Soonyoung says, plucking the book out of Hansol’s hands to hide the smile on his face. He’s been listening to Boo Seungkwan complain about how dense and useless Hansol is for weeks— the least he can do is try to help a little bit. If it means flustering Seungkwan a little, that’s just a bonus.

There’s a little twinkle that Soonyoung catches in Hansol’s eyes every time Seungkwan comes up in the conversation. He pulls his phone out to text Seungkwan and Soonyoung debates sending Seokmin the same thing.

It wouldn’t be strange, even before they started being whatever they are now. The two of them used to flirt casually without any thought given to it. After a moment, Soonyoung decides to just go for it, if only because he hates spending time second-guessing himself. If Seokmin thinks it’s weird he’ll probably just send back some confused emoji.

 **(10:10):** _hansollie is teaching me English pick up lines_

 **(10:10):** _if I said you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?_

He sets his phone on the ground next to his hip, glancing up in time to catch Hansol grinning like a lovestruck kid at the screen of his phone. He’s not sure if Hansol has realized yet that he has a Thing for Seungkwan, or how he’s remained blissfully ignorant of Seungkwan’s increasingly frustrated attempts to get him to make a move.

Soonyoung wonders if they’ll figure it out before he leaves, and then realizes with a little ache in his chest that he’s going to miss the two of them like crazy. Being homesick before he even leaves makes Soonyoung feel a little funny. On the floor next to him, his phone chimes brightly to inform him of a new message.

 **(Seokgu):** _hold me tight, Kwon Soonyoung_

 **(Seokgu):** _are you planning on doing a lot of flirting lol_

The answer makes Soonyoung giggle, curling his legs up close to his chest once again. He and Hansol probably aren’t much different at the moment, the both of them making honey eyes at their phones. Soonyoung can’t quite find it in himself to be embarrassed enough to stop.

“You need a better book,” Hansol says, after he pulls himself out of texting Seungkwan. Soonyoung looks down at the book left forgotten in his lap.

“I’m gonna get lost in LA and die,” Soonyoung says, dropping his arms to the side and shaking his head. “All I know how to do is ask to find a pay phone and they’re all gone.”

“You’ll probably be fine,” Hansol says, shrugging with a smile. Soonyoung’s phone chimes with another message as Hansol leans over the edge of the bed once again. “How’s Seokmin-hyung?”

“He wants me to come hold him,” Soonyoung says with a laugh, not thinking about how that sounds. One of Hansol’s thick eyebrows lifts in question and Soonyoung rubs the back of his neck. “I thought he’d get a laugh out of it.”

Hansol has a slightly dubious look on his face, and Soonyoung can’t believe he picked now of all times to start picking up on the small things. After a moment, he smiles. “Kwannie said you two started seeing each other.”

“Ya, that kid,” Soonyoung grumbles, shaking his head. “We’re not seeing each other.”

Even as he says it, the phrase doesn’t feel quite right coming out of Soonyoung’s mouth. Soonyoung has never been good at doing anything by half, even when it comes to managing his feelings. When he’s happy, he’s thrilled and when he’s mad, he’s furious. He’s no good at dividing himself into parts. 

He doesn’t know how to look at Seokmin and not want everything, even if that’s ridiculous with how things are now. It’s unrealistic, to say the least, and there’s been no sign that Seokmin is looking for anything to change between them.

Months ago, Soonyoung wanted a steady relationship as much as he wanted a toothache. Now he catches himself mulling over how nice it is every time he wakes up with Seokmin's body curled close to his.

“Oh,” Hansol says, scratching the side of his jaw. He looks so disappointed by the news that Soonyoung almost wants to say something else to soothe him, but he has no idea what he would even say. “I thought you and Seokmin-hyung were cute.”

Soonyoung puffs his cheeks like the commentary offends him. “We are cute.”

Hansol laughs, rolling onto his side and grabbing his phone again. “I'm gonna look up more useful stuff to teach you.” 

Soonyoung hums, glancing down at his own phone once again. There's another unread message from Seokmin but Soonyoung hasn't figured out how to answer the first. He has no plans of trying to find someone else in LA, and he doesn't quite know how to say that without admitting that Seokmin is the reason why.

The problem, Soonyoung knows too well, is that he's too single minded to let good sense stop him. Even if he can't have everything he wants out of Seokmin, he's not going to give up what he has now.

Scowling just a little, he picks his phone up, opening the message.

 **(Seokgu):** _or are you just sending that to all the cute boys_

 **(10:10):** _nah, that’s just for you_

He can’t help but smile as he sends the response, glancing up at Hansol scrolling through his phone with a little furrow in his brow.

 **(Seokgu):** _is hansol-nim letting you out of class soon?_

Soonyoung casts another glance at Hansol before groaning and heaving himself up, grinning down at him. “Got any homework for me?”

Hansol looks up with a laugh, stretching his arms and nodding. “Find a better book.”

“Got it,” Soonyoung says, picking his way over the discarded clothes on Hansol’s floor. The door swings shut behind him and Soonyoung pauses in the hall for a moment, measuring his options and staring down at his phone.

 **(10:10):** _where’s mingyu-ya today_

It isn’t his most subtle move, but when it comes to Seokmin it’s hard to feel embarrassed anymore.

 **(Seokgu):** _he’s tutoring puppies or something, he’s gonna be gone forever_

Soonyoung can’t help but laugh at the image of a very focused Mingyu trying to teach puppies to read. He turns towards Seokmin’s dorm without a thought, tapping his knuckles against the door. There’s a nervous little jump in his stomach that he can’t explain before Seokmin opens it, a wide smile on his face.

“Am I your booty call now, hyung?” He says, laughing as he lets Soonyoung through the door. Soonyoung rolls his eyes, bumping his shoulder into Seokmin’s with a laugh.

“What if I wanna lay in your bed and watch a shitty movie?” He asks, standing in the middle of the small room with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’m fine with that too,” Seokmin says, laughing and dropping to sit on the bed. Soonyoung flops over next to him, laying on his back, propped on his elbows. He has his chin tilted back to grin at Seokmin but it’s a surprise when Seokmin closes the space to plant a kiss on his lips. Seokmin’s fingers are soft on the side of Soonyoung’s cheek, tilting his face to deepen the kiss. Soonyoung shifts his weight to one elbow, sliding his fingers through Seokmin’s hair. He can’t help but grin against Seokmin’s mouth, giggling when Seokmin pulls back.

“I thought you didn’t want a booty call,” he says, grinning when Seokmin rolls his eyes.

“Did you really come over to watch a movie? He asks, his fingers stroking the line of Soonyoung’s jaw. Soonyoung hums, leaning his face into the soft touch.

“I wanted to spend time with you,” Soonyoung says. It’s the most honest he could be and he gets to watch Seokmin’s face flush pink. He leans up to plant another kiss on Seokmin’s lips. With his fingers still laced in Seokmin’s hair, he pulls the two of them closer. They wind up laying diagonal across the bed with Seokmin on top of Soonyoung, his palms flat on the bed to keep his weight from squishing Soonyoung underneath him. Soonyoung has one hand under Seokmin’s shirt, tracing the warm flesh of his back.

One of Soonyoung’s thighs is caught between Seokmin’s legs and part of him wants to check that Mingyu really isn’t going to walk in on them again but the thought flies out of his head when he feels Seokmin’s mouth drag along the side of his neck. His teeth find the sensitive spot just under his ear and Soonyoung whines before he can stop himself.

Rather than tease Soonyoung for the embarrassing sound, Seokmin hums and nips at the spot, drawing it between his teeth before sliding his tongue over the mark left behind. Another gasp manages to shiver its way out of Soonyoung’s mouth and with Seokmin’s lips pressed against his neck, he can feel the way Seokmin grins.

Soonyoung tilts his head back against the bed, wiggling his hips up toward Seokmin’s. He can feel Seokmin’s half-hard cock against his thigh and he nudges his hips up again, grinding his leg into Seokmin’s crotch. Seokmin presses his face further into Soonyoung’s neck. As nice as it is to have Seokmin on top of him like this, they aren’t just fumbling teens and Soonyoung wants more. He drags his hands up Seokmin’s back, pulling his shirt along as well. Seokmin seems to get the hint before Soonyoung asks, sitting up and tossing the shirt over his head. 

There’s a shy flush on his cheeks when Soonyoung sweeps a hungry gaze over his chest, which is silly as far as Soonyoung is concerned— there’s certainly nothing he shouldn’t already be showing off. Soonyoung’s fingers map out the skin of his chest, leaning up to follow with his mouth as well. He can see Seokmin’s eyes go heavy kidded, his breath coming out in a gasp when Soonyoung’s mouth closes over one of his nipples. He drags the tip of his tongue over it, fighting the urge to grin when Seokmin grips hard on his shoulders. He wraps his own arms around Seokmin's sides, fitting his thumbs at the slight dip of his hips, keeping their bodies close together.

"Soonyoung-hyung," Seokmin says, his voice coming out with a whine, giving a slight push on Soonyoung's shoulders. Soonyoung detaches his mouth from Seokmin's chest, looking up at Seokmin with a raised eyebrow and a smile. Seokmin pauses, licking his lips as he meets Soonyoung's gaze, sliding his hands down Soonyoung's back. Soonyoung arches into the touch and when Seokmin's fingers find the hem of his shirt he lifts his arms obediently, letting Seokmin pull it over his head to be discarded to the floor as well.

Seokmin seems glad to have them on more even footing, grinning for a moment before ducking his head to kiss Soonyoung again. The kiss is messier than before, their tongues tangling together. Soonyoung drops his hands further to squeeze Seokmin's ass, guiding his hips forward. Seokmin groans into his mouth, eyes closing as he grinds his cock along Soonyoung's thigh. Soonyoung can feel the flex of his muscles with every uneven roll and jerk of his hips, sinking his teeth into Seokmin's lower lip and giving his ass another squeeze to encourage him.

In return, Seokmin has one hand squeezing the nape of Soonyoung's neck, teasing the baby hairs there, the other tracing along the line of his ribs. He breaks away from the kiss to sigh against Soonyoung's lips, groaning softly as he rolls their hips together again.

Soonyoung nips at Seokmin's lip again before giving his ass a final squeeze, pulling his hands away reluctantly to tug at the waist of Seokmin's pants instead. He pauses here, not sure if he's pushing too hard again. But Seokmin smiles, presses a wet kiss to the tip of Soonyoung's nose and reaches between them to thumb the button of his jeans open with slightly unsteady fingers. Soonyoung immediately busies himself wiggling Seokmin's pants off of his hips and Seokmin laughs, rolling to the side to slide them off easier.

He pauses, his eyes dragging hot lines over Soonyoung's skin as Soonyoung settles between his legs once again. He's probably waiting for Soonyoung to take his pants off as well, but Soonyoung has something else in mind. He kneels between Seokmin's legs, hands under his thighs to press them further apart, planting slick kisses to the insides of his thighs. Seokmin wiggles slightly and Soonyoung grips onto his thighs harder with a laugh, nipping at the sensitive skin.

"Hold still," he says, playful and scolding at the same time. Seokmin breathes out a laugh, sitting up on his elbows to allow himself to look down at Soonyoung. Soonyoung raises an eyebrow, waiting for a proper answer, making Seokmin laugh again.

"Fine," he says after a moment and pleased with the agreement, Soonyoung returns to mapping Seokmin's thighs out with his mouth. The angle would probably be easier if he was on the floor in front of the bed, but he's reluctant to move. Instead, he drags his mouth over the front of Seokmin's briefs, warm breaths blowing over the straining line of his cock. Seokmin catches his lower lip between his teeth, trying to keep himself from groaning.

Soonyoung presses his lips to the tip of Seokmin's cock through the thin fabric, dragging his tongue over it. Seokmin's hips give a little jump toward the warm pressure of Soonyoung's mouth, but he doesn't stop to scold him this time. He continues pressing kisses along the shaft of Seokmin's cock instead, every gust of warm air making it twitch slightly against Soonyoung's lips.

One of Seokmin's hands is fisted tightly in the sheets, doing his best to stay still as Soonyoung continues teasing him through the thin fabric barrier. When he reaches the base of Seokmin's cock, Soonyoung presses one last kiss to it before lifting his mouth away and dragging his teeth along the sensitive crease of skin between his groin and his thigh, satisfied when it makes Seokmin whine out sharply.

He's not about to admit it out loud, but Soonyoung is definitely planning on irritating Seokmin's neighbors with all the noise. He doesn't want to risk embarrassing Seokmin and making him clam up. He frees his hands from Seokmin's thighs to pull his briefs down, revealing the slick tip of his cock to the cool air in the room. As tempting as it is, flushed dark with a clear bead of precome clinging to the slit, Soonyoung doesn't immediately slide it between his lips. He kisses the moisture away from the tip, following the same process of planting open-mouthed kisses along the shaft once again, this time pulling Seokmin's underwear out of the way as he goes.

By the time he's finished pulling Seokmin's briefs away Seokmin is obviously having a hard time following Soonyoung's earlier direction to hold still. He still has one hand clinging tightly to the sheets under him, his chin tilted slightly back to suck a few heavy breaths into his lungs. It's a surprise that he hasn't given up and grabbed onto Soonyoung's head yet, or started complaining at all the teasing, but Soonyoung can't help but be pleased. He can't deny that teasing Seokmin is fun and it's hard to keep from grinning when he wraps his fingers around the hot flesh of Seokmin's cock and Seokmin's hips jerk upward.

Soonyoung lays the palm of his other hand on Seokmin's hip, helping hold him steady as he drags his tongue over the head of Seokmin's cock in quick, teasing licks. He glances up to catch Seokmin staring at him, lips slightly parted, his eyes wide like he doesn't want to risk missing what Soonyoung is doing. The flush on his face has spread down his neck and to his chest and the hand he doesn't have tangled in the sheets is curling restlessly around air. Soonyoung shoots him a little grin before pressing down harder on his hip and taking the head of Seokmin's cock slowly in his mouth, rolling his tongue around it.

The sound Seokmin makes is loud, almost a shout, and it sounds like it's been punched out of his lungs. Soonyoung's fingers are loose around Seokmin's cock, stroking it a few times with only enough pressure to draw out the teasing. He knows how it must feel, the difference between the loose grasp of his fingers and the tight heat of his mouth as he sinks down. When his lips reach his fingers he pauses, tongue tracing the underside of Seokmin's cock, enjoying the weight of it in his mouth.

He doesn't want to admit how much he's thought about this recently; what it would feel like to have Seokmin's dick in his mouth— Seokmin struggling to maintain some kind of composure under him. But in the moment it's definitely better than the fantasy; Seokmin is just thick enough that Soonyoung can feel the slight ache in his jaw and despite the slight jerks of his thighs he's being surprisingly compliant.

Soonyoung has definitely waited way too long to try sucking Seokmin off.

When he starts to lift his head, his pace still slow, teasing the tip of his tongue along the sensitive ridge under the head, Seokmin whines. Soonyoung presses his lips to the head in a messy kiss, reaching one hand up to grasp Seokmin's wrist and pull his hand to rest on the back of his head. Seokmin gets the hint after a moment, tangling his fingers in Soonyoung's hair but simply holding onto him, not making an effort to push or pull him in either direction. Soonyoung hums, the vibrations of his voice traveling over Seokmin's skin as well, making his hips twitch up against the constant pressure of Soonyoung's palm.

"Soonyoung," he says, and there might be some kind of thought attached to that but Soonyoung doesn't wait to find out. He opens his mouth, taking Seokmin's cock in again, this time moving his hand out of the way and pressing down further. He's careful to keep breathing through his nose, listening to the strained sound that Seokmin tries and fails to keep himself from making.

It takes a few tries before Soonyoung manages to wrap his lips around the base of Seokmin's cock, hands holding on tight to his thighs. Seokmin's fingers are tight in his hair but Soonyoung doesn't mind the little tug of it when he carefully swallows around the head of Seokmin's cock. He hasn't stopped being noisy the whole time, but at the feeling of Soonyoung's throat squeezing him, he throws his head back with a shout. His fingers tug slightly, thoughtlessly, at Soonyoung's head and Soonyoung peels his eyes open to stare up at Seokmin.

He has his head tilted all the way back, his body lifted in a single tight line. Soonyoung's nails dig thin crescents into the muscle of Seokmin's thighs, pulling tight suction over his length as he lifts his head up again. Soonyoung sucks a few hard breaths in through his nose, keeping the head of Seokmin's cock trapped between his lips. He works his tongue over the head again, the tight grip of Seokmin's fingers in his hair starting to relax.

Soonyoung pulls in another breath before taking the full length of Seokmin in his mouth again, bobbing his head slowly this time, keeping his lips pressed tight around the shaft.

"Ah, _fuck,"_ Seokmin says, his voice a long groan. He loosens the grip of his fingers, stroking the nape of Soonyoung's neck instead. Soonyoung does his best to keep an even rhythm as he fucks Seokmin's cock into his mouth, feeling the telltale trembling of Seokmin's thighs under his hands.

Seokmin's chest twists to the side in an effort to muffle the loud moan he lets out when Soonyoung's throat wraps around his cock once again, his fingers scrabbling in the sheets. Soonyoung's eyes shut once more, groaning a little himself when Seokmin's nails scrape over the back of his neck.

His hips jerk up against the pressure of Soonyoung's hands when he comes, the press of his cheek against the mattress not doing enough to muffle his voice. Soonyoung catches the thick spurts of Seokmin's come on his tongue, bobbing his head up and down at a more gentle pace to draw him through the orgasm. Seokmin's hand stays tight on the back of his neck, thumb stroking the base of Soonyoung's skull in a motion that's so tender it makes Soonyoung feel a little strange.

He pulls away when Seokmin whines from all the stimulation, shooting Seokmin a closed-mouth grin when he swallows. He's tempted to stick his tongue out just to show off any come still stuck in his mouth, but Seokmin sits up and kisses him before he has the chance. 

The surprise makes Soonyoung gasp a little, Seokmin's tongue pressing past his lips. Seokmin pulls them tight against each other once again, one arm tight around Soonyoung's back. The other he works between them, palming over the bulge of Soonyoung's cock in his loose pants. Even the slight friction makes Soonyoung groan, the sound getting swallowed by Seokmin's mouth against his.

After a little fumbling, Seokmin manages to tug Soonyoung's jeans open, pushing his hand past the waist to rub Soonyoung's neglected dick through his underwear. He continues kissing Soonyoung, his mouth moving over his cheek, his jaw, down the side of his neck, making it hard for Soonyoung to hide the strained little _'ah'_ sounds he keeps making. Even without being able to see it, Soonyoung can feel the shape of Seokmin's smile against his neck.

"You're so incredible," he says, his voice soft against Soonyoung's skin. Soonyoung wants to laugh, to make a joke about how Seokmin probably says that to everyone who blows him but he can't quite bring himself to. Maybe it's the way Seokmin's voice sounds raw and honest, pressed so close to Soonyoung, holding onto him like he couldn't bear to let go or maybe it's just that Soonyoung likes the compliment. Seokmin's fingers pull his underwear out of the way and Soonyoung's head lolls back over Seokmin's shoulder, gasping.

He's glad that Seokmin doesn't devote the same attention to teasing him, his fingers wrapping tight around Soonyoung's cock and stroking him quickly, biting gently at the exposed skin of his throat. Soonyoung's skin feels hot and too tight, like he hasn't been touched properly in months and he craves every inch of Seokmin's skin against his. Usually, it'd be embarrassing, being so loud and worked up over a handjob, but Soonyoung can't stop his hips from thrusting up into the tight circle of Seokmin's fist, whimpering every time Seokmin's thumb teases over the head of his cock.

Soonyoung turns his head to the side, his forehead against Seokmin's cheek, whimpering into the juncture of his neck and his shoulder. His tongue drags over the sweat-salty skin of Seokmin's neck, squirming his hips into every stroke Seokmin's hand. Seokmin's lips press into his temple and Soonyoung is dimly aware, over the sound of blood pounding in his ears, of Seokmin mumbling little encouragements into his skin.

"Are you gonna come for me, Soonyoung?" He says and in the moment nothing has ever sounded better to Soonyoung's ears. He nods his head without thinking about it, arching up into the next two, three, four quick strokes of Seokmin's fist before everything boils over, his whole body going tingly and hot as he comes.

Seokmin kisses him again, stroking him through it until Soonyoung is panting uselessly into his mouth, his muscles twitching with sporadic aftershocks. They flop back against the bed, Soonyoung half on top of Seokmin, stupid grins on both of their faces. Seokmin wipes his hand off carelessly on the corner of his sheets, his other arm still wrapped securely around Soonyoung's back.

As much as Soonyoung wants to just drift away as an orgasm-happy cloud, there's a tight, funny feeling in his stomach. He does his best to ignore it, laying his cheek on Seokmin's shoulder and stroking one hand in idle patterns on his chest. He's certainly not unhappy about doing this with Seokmin, he feels loose-limbed and satisfied like he should and Seokmin's grinning face is pressed into the top of his head. But he's feeling _something_ that he doesn't know how to explain, like a tight coil has wrapped around his insides and is threatening to constrict him.

"You okay, hyung?" Seokmin says after a moment, his hand stroking up and down Soonyoung's back. Soonyoung blinks, trying to ignore the nagging Wrong feeling in his stomach and looks up at Seokmin with a grin.

"Sleepy," he says, stretching his jaw in an exaggerated yawn. It makes Seokmin laugh, poking one of his cheeks. Soonyoung kicks his pants off the rest of the way, curling up so his legs are tangled with Seokmin's. "Is Mingyu-ya gonna catch us if we take a nap?"

"Probably," Seokmin say, kicking his jeans off the end of the bed as well, fixing his briefs with a grin. Soonyoung could drag himself out of Seokmin's bed to preserve some sense of modesty, but he's warm and he doesn't want to go anywhere. The idea of leaving makes whatever funny thing he's feeling worse.

"Poor thing," Soonyoung says, tucking his head under Seokmin's chin with a little laugh, shutting his eyes. Seokmin chuckles, humming in agreement and hugging Soonyoung against his chest. The way they're laying, Soonyoung can hear the steady pound of Seokmin's heart under his ear and the sound of it is soothing. He presses one small kiss to Seokmin's chest, touching the same spot with the tips of his fingers when Seokmin doesn't react.

Seokmin's breathing evens out with sleep, but for awhile Soonyoung just lays still, eyes shut, listening to the endless pounding of Seokmin's heart.

**{* * *}**

When Soonyoung suggests a walk along the Han river on the first truly nice day of spring, Seokmin doesn’t think twice about agreeing to go along with him. Being cooped up all winter doesn’t really agree with either of them, after all, and Seokmin is itching for the chance to soak up even a little bit of sun. And if Soonyoung’s ever-approaching departure factors in at all, Seokmin is happy to keep it to himself.

Whatever the occasional encounters of the last few months have meant, Seokmin is utterly sure of two things:

The first is that no matter what they are after Soonyoung leaves the country, Seokmin wants to spend as much time with him as possible before he goes.

The second, as much as part of him might wish otherwise, is he’s totally, stupidly in love with Kwon Soonyoung.

It’s hardly what Seokmin would call an ideal situation but he doesn’t have an answer to the predicament he’s in. The thing they’ve been doing, whatever it is, has always come packaged with an expiration date— and as that date gets closer it becomes harder for Seokmin to ignore.

Letting Soonyoung pull him along by the sleeve is much easier. It’s still cool enough to require the both of them to wear hoodies, though Seokmin is fairly sure the soft gray sweater that Soonyoung is wearing came directly out of Seokmin’s pile of clean clothes months ago. It hangs loosely around his shoulders, the cuff of one sleeve gathered around his fingers. Seokmin could complain about the theft of his clothes, but there’s something about Soonyoung wearing it that makes Seokmin’s chest tighten in an unfamiliar way.

It feels nice, though and Seokmin can’t help but smile at Soonyoung bouncing along next to him.

“We should get ramen,” Soonyoung says, giving Seokmin’s sleeve another tug. Seokmin laughs, wrapping his hand around Soonyoung’s wrist and hauling him back so they’re walking side by side once again.

“You should’ve brought a picnic blanket,” Seokmin says, chuckling. Soonyoung shrugs one shoulder, glancing down at where Seokmin’s fingers are still lingering around his wrist.

“Probably,” he says and before Seokmin has a chance to get nervous and pull his hand away, Soonyoung’s wrist twists and he laces his fingers with Seokmin’s. “The grass isn’t wet, anyway.”

Seokmin nods his head, glancing away before he starts blushing at the casual way Soonyoung holds onto his hand. He can’t think of anything to say in response, too caught up in the lingering chill at the tips of Soonyoung’s fingers. He rubs his thumbs over them, chewing the inside of his cheek. It shouldn’t make him so nervous; it’s not like he’s never held someone’s hand before.

Except for the glaring fact that usually, he holds hands with people he’s _dating,_ not while on a walk with his best friend. Even so, it’s nice and he lets Soonyoung go back to dragging him along without a complaint.

Soonyoung doesn’t detach their hands, even as he pulls Seokmin into a convenience store. Seokmin grabs a pair of eggs and a drink on top of his ramen, laughing when Soonyoung rolls his eyes.

“I’m hungry,” he says, grinning when Soonyoung shakes his head.

“You’re always hungry, Minnie,” Soonyoung says, and it’s possible Seokmin is imagining the way Soonyoung squeezes his hand. Either way, it makes his cheeks flush in a way he hopes doesn’t stand out too much.

After they heat their food in the stores small microwave and find a sunny patch of grass to sit on, Soonyoung finally releases his grasp on Seokmin’s hand. They’re sitting close enough that every small motion makes their arms brush together and even with the long sleeves of his hoodie acting as a barrier, Seokmin can still feel the heat of Soonyoung’s skin.

As much as he’s tried not to notice, it’s becoming hard for Seokmin to ignore the fact that they look identical to any of the other couples milling around in the park. It makes his stomach twist in a strange way. Because, in spite of all of Mingyu’s commentary on the topic, Seokmin is still very much not dating Soonyoung. He casts a glance at Soonyoung, wondering if he’s noticed the same thing, but he seems blissfully absorbed in eating his food. There’s even brother from his noodles on one of his cheeks and Seokmin reaches out with a laugh to wipe it away.

“You’re gonna make a mess,” Seokmin says, doing his best not to laugh. Soonyoung leans into the quick brush of Seokmin’s fingers on his cheek, a smile growing on his face.

“As long as you clean up after me,” he says, giggling when Seokmin rolls his eyes. Part of him want to agree and keep wiping food off of Soonyoung’s round cheeks or maybe take the chance that no one is looking and try to steal a kiss.

But that would definitely make this something like a date— not just the two of them hanging out as friends. So Seokmin bites the inside of his lip and doesn’t offer anything further. Soonyoung hesitates when Seokmin doesn’t respond. Things between the two of them are rarely ever awkward even, as Seokmin has learned, during sex. They get along too well for a bad joke or a weird sound to get in the way. Seokmin knows that, but he can’t get out of his own head at the moment.

“Are you gonna audition for the musical next year?” Soonyoung asks before the silence stretches too long. He probably knows the answer already— since he was young Seokmin has wanted to be a musical actor. He’s studying business for the much more practical goal of joining his father’s company when he graduates, but Soonyoung is still avidly set on seeing Seokmin follow his dreams.

“I think so,” Seokmin says around a mouthful of noodles. “Seungkwannie stole a script for me.”

“You’d get it either way,” Soonyoung says and the confidence in his voice makes Seokmin flush a little. “I’ll make him record all your parts for me.”

The reminder that Soonyoung won’t be there to watch him on stage, or even go with him for the audition, makes Seokmin’s heart sink a little.

It becomes harder to picture his life without Soonyoung in it by the day.

“He’s gonna complain if you boss him around from LA,” Seokmin says, shaking his head fondly. Soonyoung laughs, bumping his shoulders into Seokmin’s.

“Hansollie is gonna steal him away from me,” Soonyoung says, leaning back on his hand with a pout. Seokmin can’t help but laugh.

“You might have to sneak him in your luggage,” he says. Soonyoung’s face brightens at the suggestion.

“Maybe,” he says, leaning his head to the side. He catches Seokmin’s eyes, his smile just getting brighter. “I’d rather pack you if I had the chance.”

It’s stupid that Seokmin blushes a little at that, shaking his head and shoving at Soonyoung’s knee. “You’d rather leave the two of them to figure things out alone?”

“I think they'll survive. Hansol isn't _that_ stupid," Soonyoung says, rolling his eyes. Seokmin laughs, leaning his forehead on Soonyoung's shoulder. 

With a sigh, Soonyoung flops on his back, his head turned to the side to avoid the glare from the sun. Seokmin lays down next to him, draping one arm over Soonyoung’s stomach. He has his face turned toward Soonyoung, a little surprised by how close they are.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Soonyoung says and this is the first time Seokmin has heard him say it so boldly. Seokmin’s stomach is doing it’s best to crawl out of his throat and for a moment it’s hard to speak.

“I’m gonna miss you too, hyung,” he says after a beat when he’s sure he won’t blurt out anything else along with it. Soonyoung smiles like he somehow doubted that would be the case.

Seokmin doesn’t glance around before closing the small space between them and pressing a quick kiss to Soonyoung’s soft mouth. His stomach won’t stop fluttering nervously and he almost wants to close his eyes and avoid looking at Soonyoung’s face.

He doesn’t have to. Soonyoung’s fingers hook around the back of his neck. He pulls Seokmin in close to brush another kiss, light as air, over his lips. Seokmin’s face is bright red when Soonyoung lets go of him, making it even more embarrassing when Seokmin meets his eye again.

Soonyoung’s smile is blinding and Seokmin answers it with one of his own without a thought.

“You’re gonna miss me that much, huh?” Soonyoung asks and in spite of the teasing in his voice his fingers linger at the back of Seokmin’s neck, reluctant to let go.

“At least that much,” Seokmin says, his voice just a bit too honest. 

Soonyoung blinks slowly, opening his mouth. “Do you think…”

“Yeah?” Seokmin asks when Soonyoung trails off, one of his hands caught between them, toying with the strings of Seokmin’s hoodie rather than looking at his face. He shakes his head after a moment, laughing a little.

“This was nice,” he says, rather than finishing the question. Seokmin laughs, though the sound sticks in the back of his throat.

“I do think that,” Seokmin says, curling his fingers around Soonyoung’s. Soonyoung laughs as well, rolling onto his side and laying his head on his other arm, his face scrunched up with a smile.

“We should get some ice cream,” he says after another pause, still twisting the string attached to Seokmin’s hood around his finger. It’s not hard to see that there’s something else on his mind but Seokmin isn’t sure how to tease it out of him. So he squeezes Soonyoung’s hand to his chest and smiles.

“Sure,” he says, releasing Soonyoung’s hand reluctantly and sitting up. Soonyoung stretches his arms above his head with a groan, flexing his legs as well. It makes his baggy hoodie ride up over his stomach and Seokmin grins, poking at the exposed strip of his pale skin.

Soonyoung yelps in surprise, rolling to the side and laughing, yanking his sweater back down. He sits up, looking at Seokmin with a pout on his face.

“I changed my mind,” he says, picking himself up off the ground and grabbing his trash. He wrinkles his nose at Seokmin. “I’m not gonna miss you at all.”

“Aw, hyung,” Seokmin says, whining and reaching toward Soonyoung with his lower lip stuck out. “You can’t take it back now!”

He hops up to his feet as well, grabbing the back of Soonyoung’s hoodie to keep him from escaping. He pulls Soonyoung close again, grinning when Soonyoung laughs even while he tries to wiggle away. He manages to wrap one arm around Soonyoung’s stomach to keep him from escaping, hooking his chin over Soonyoung’s shoulder.

“You’re not gonna miss me at all?” He says, pouting still. Soonyoung giggles once again, leaning into Seokmin’s chest. He tilts his head back to look up at Seokmin, pursing his lips like he’s thinking hard about the question.

“Maybe just a little,” Soonyoung says after a moment, and if they weren’t standing in the middle of a busy public park, Seokmin would probably give into the desire to plant another kiss on Soonyoung’s pouting lips.

He releases him before he gives into the desire, grabbing the trash from his own food and letting Soonyoung bounce off ahead of him. It’s hard to wipe the smile off of his face, even when Soonyoung turns around to drag him off in search of ice cream.

As hard as it is to imagine his life without Soonyoung at this point, it’s becoming all too easy to imagine _more_ between him and Soonyoung. Even if Soonyoung weren’t weeks away from leaving the country, Seokmin isn’t sure what he would do about it.

It makes him feel like he's going crazy, sometimes, thinking through the same circle of thoughts again and again like he'll somehow find a way to change things. Even trying not to think about it hasn't helped, since every day just brings them closer to Soonyoung being gone.

So, Seokmin continues with what he's been too guilty of all along, letting Soonyoung pull him along into an uncertain future.

**{* * *}**

The last days before Soonyoung leaves LA are a barely contained panic that follows him in everything he does. It’s impossible for him to escape even when Minghao and Chan spend the day before his flight takes off trying to take his mind off of things.

On top of everything he has to worry about already, he can’t keep his mind off of Seokmin as well. It certainly isn’t helping keep Soonyoung’s impending freak out at bay in the least.

So when he opens the door to his apartment to find it dark and strangely lacking Wonwoo, Soonyoung is tempted to stumble through the dark and just drop face down in bed in the hopes that his brain will finally go quiet for a while.

He doesn’t make it two steps past the door before the lights turn on on their own and everyone he knows is emerging from behind the furniture to yell _Surprise!_ at him. Soonyoung is glad that the cheering covers up his own surprised shout. He laughs, clutching at his chest in an effort to keep his heart from leaping free of his chest.

“You traitors!” Soonyoung says, whining as he does his best to wrestle Chan and Minghao under his arms. “I thought everyone forgot about me.”

Minghao dodges easily away, leaving just Chan caught in Soonyoung’s grasp. He makes the most of it, ruffling Chan’s hair until he whines in protest.

“Wonwoo-hyung said we had to keep it a secret!” He says, making a vain effort to fix his hair.

Soonyoung means to make Wonwoo his next target, but he’s appeased by the drink that he’s offered immediately.

“No one forgot you,” he says, passing the plastic cup into Soonyoung’s hands with a grin. Soonyoung takes it with a huff before pulling Wonwoo into a hug and mumbling thanks into his ear.

It isn’t that Soonyoung means to avoid Seokmin as the party wears on, but their paths never seem to cross either. Soonyoung spots him a few times; hanging off of Mingyu’s side and laughing, absorbed in listening to Hansol tell a story, but something always prevents him from approaching any closer.

As much as he’d like to ignore his own cowardice, it seems like Minghao isn’t interested in letting him get away with it. He corners Soonyoung in the kitchen, a frown on his face as he plucks the drink out of Soonyoung’s hand.

“Quit it,” he says, holding the cup out of Soonyoung’s reach.

“Quit what?” Soonyoung says, dropping his arms to his sides with a pout. Minghao looks less than impressed with him.

“You have to talk to Seokmin-ah,” he says, setting the cup on the counter next to him. Soonyoung doesn’t mean to flinch at that, but the words hit him like a punch to the gut. He opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it again.

Minghao purses his lips. “You haven’t talked to him all night.”

“I dunno what to say,” Soonyoung says, shaking his head. The answer makes Minghao soften a little, leaning his head to the side, waiting for Soonyoung to continue.

The truth is, the last thing Soonyoung wants to do is say good-bye to Seokmin. It feels too final— whatever they are now they won’t be tomorrow. Maybe it’s a silly thing for Soonyoung to be feeling but he wants to delay his farewell with Seokmin for as long as he can.

“I’m not ready yet,” Soonyoung says, finding he can’t manage anything better. That seems to make sense to Minghao because he nods his head slowly, his expression softer than before. He pats Soonyoung twice on the shoulder.

“Good luck, then,” he says, finally handing Soonyoung his drink back. There’s the slight quirk of a smile at the corners of his lips like he’s figured something out and Soonyoung has the sudden urge to defend himself.

“It’s not—” he starts, cutting himself off when he realizes he doesn’t know what to say.

“It’s not like that,” he says, his cheeks warm from more than just the buzz of alcohol in his blood.

“I didn’t say it was, hyung,” Minghao says, but his smile is just a little too big. Soonyoung wrinkles his nose wishing he had it in him to be more frustrated with Minghao. Instead, he’s left scowling weakly at him without a leg to stand on.

Little shit that he is, Minghao knows it too. In spite of the risk of ruining his cool reputation, Minghao reaches out and tugs Soonyoung into a tight hug. Soonyoung, despite his best efforts, finds himself getting misty-eyed at all the farewells.

It isn’t as if he’s going away for the rest of his life, but the idea of leaving all his friends behind is a hard one to swallow when he actually has to carry it through. As much as he’d like to chalk it up to the drinks, he hasn’t had enough to justify crying into Minghao’s chest and so he takes a quick step back and tries to swipe the tear away from his eye without getting caught.

If Minghao notices, he must decide to let Soonyoung get away with it. He even gives Soonyoung a smile and a friendly bump on the shoulder as he goes by.

Still, in spite of the scolding from Minghao, Soonyoung continues slinking just around the edge of Seokmin as the night goes on. He’s definitely over the line of how much he should have had to drink, considering the thirteen-hour flight he has to look forward to tomorrow and he’s barely managing to keep himself from crying over every hug and every person who leaves.

But as more and more people filter out, it becomes impossible to actually avoid talking to Seokmin, who it seems definitely won’t be leaving before he gets a proper conversation out of Soonyoung.

Which is how it ends up being the two of them sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Wonwoo and Jihoon crunched between them. Soonyoung isn’t sure if he wants Jihoon to stay as long as possible or if he wants to rush him out the door. As for Jihoon himself, he seems immune to the increasingly tense atmosphere in the room but Wonwoo is casting glances at Soonyoung with a frown on his face.

Finally, it seems like he’s had enough of Soonyoung putting off the inevitable because he pushes himself off of the couch and gives the rest of them a tired glance.

“I’m gonna clean up the kitchen,” he says, voice flat. Soonyoung doesn’t miss the slight raise of his eyebrows and it seems like that at least Jihoon takes notice of.

He stands up as well, stretching his arms over his head with a little sigh. “I’m not staying to help. Do you wanna walk back?”

The question is directed at Seokmin, who jolts a little in his seat like he wasn’t anticipating it, shaking his head quickly. “N- no. I’m gonna stay here for a bit, I think.”

He casts a quick glance at Soonyoung like he’s wondering if Soonyoung is going to try and shoo him out, but Soonyoung gives him an uneven smile in return.

“I’ll go with you,” Wonwoo says, making Jihoon furrow his eyebrows in confusion.

“You live here,” he says, shaking his head with a small laugh.

Soonyoung hopes his face isn’t as red as it feels. Wonwoo just shakes his head, pulling a hoodie over his head and nudging a confused Jihoon toward the door. Soonyoung can’t help the slight flinch of his shoulders when the door shuts behind the two of them, leaving him and Seokmin sitting alone in the apartment.

Soonyoung turns toward Seokmin, licks his lips, and realizes that every single intelligent thought has left his head.

This is possibly the single longest moment of silence that’s ever transpired between him and Seokmin. Soonyoung glances at him, then looks down at his lap, rubbing his palms on his thighs. The nerves make it impossible to sit still and by the time Seokmin finally says something, Soonyoung is practically vibrating his way into the next room.

“Um, hyung?” Seokmin says, his voice soft in the oppressive silence that’s snaked its way between them. “I can go home if you want.”

“No!” Soonyoung says, his voice coming out too loud. Seokmin jumps a little at the sound of it and Soonyoung sinks back against the couch, tucking his chin in close to his chest. “I don’t… I don’t want you to go.”

Something in Seokmin’s expression goes tender and Soonyoung’s chest squeezes tight around the next beat of his heart. They’re drawn together across the small couch like they’re being pulled by a magnet— Seokmin’s hands come to cup around Soonyoung’s cheeks, sliding their lips together in a kiss so soft that Soonyoung almost doesn’t know how to respond. His hands catch on Seokmin’s shoulders, pulling the two of them together with a desperation he doesn’t expect even from himself.

He manages to pull himself into Seokmin’s lap, chasing another kiss before Seokmin can pull back and say anything. One of Seokmin’s hands drops to the small of his back, pressing them together until Soonyoung isn’t sure they can manage to get any closer. He grips tighter on Seokmin’s shoulders, tongue curling inside his mouth.

This is most likely not what Minghao meant when he pointed out that Soonyoung had to _talk_ to Seokmin, but it’s much easier. He leans his cheek into Seokmin’s palm, squeezing his eyes shut.

After a long, long moment, Seokmin pulls back and rests his forehead against Soonyoung’s, his lips parted as he pulls in a shaking breath. Soonyoung opens his eyes once again, stroking his fingers through the back of Seokmin’s hair.

“Stay here tonight,” he says, the tips of his fingers lingering on the line of his jaw. Seokmin leans into the touch, his eyes drifting shut.

“Wonwoo-hyung is gonna be mad,” he says, hardly sounding convinced in his own argument. Soonyoung shakes his head, a small grin on his face.

“I don’t care,” he says, tracing down the side of Seokmin’s neck before pressing another kiss to his open mouth. This time, Seokmin grins in return, sliding his hands to grasp the back of Soonyoung’s thighs.

“Okay,” Seokmin says, kissing along the line of Soonyoung’s jaw. He adjusts his grip before standing up and lifting Soonyoung along with him. Soonyoung yelps in surprise, wrapping his arms around Seokmin’s neck tightly to help support his weight.

He wants to keep the wide smile on Seokmin’s face tucked away safe in his chest for the whole time he’s gone— across any amount of distance. He’s not sure there’s anything else he’s ever wanted to hang on to so badly. Even as he smiles back, he’s trying to commit every line of it to memory.

**{* * *}**

Seokmin is careful when he lays Soonyoung on the bed, his hands still lingering on Soonyoung’s thighs. He doesn’t get the chance to stand upright, Soonyoung’s arms still licked behind his neck to pull him down onto the bed as well.

He rolls to the side with a laugh, grinning when Soonyoung finally releases him. He grabs Soonyoung’s hip, pulling them close together and curling his fingers at the small of his back. Soonyoung presses another kiss to Seokmin’s mouth, deep and slow like he wants to devour Seokmin, hands spreading over his back, trying to cover all the space his small hands will allow for.

There’s the weight of too many unspoken things between them, hovering in the tense air like ghosts. Seokmin wants to pull Soonyoung close to him until there’s no space left— like he can somehow make the full contents of his heart understood if he just keeps kissing Soonyoung until neither of them can breathe. Neither of them have wanted to give a name to the last several months; whether they’ve been dating or just fooling around and even more than that, there’s no name for whatever they’ll be when Soonyoung boards his plane tomorrow. He gathers the hem of Soonyoung’s shirt in his hands instead, pulling it carefully over his head and drawing his mouth over the exposed lines of Soonyoung’s collarbones.

For months, he hasn’t been able to find a way to explain everything he feels around Soonyoung and too soon he’s already at his last chance. Seokmin still hasn’t figured it out, but some part of him hopes he can somehow _show_ Soonyoung. He wants to paint every shade of his emotions across Soonyoung’s skin— to make him understand how deeply he’s taken root in Seokmin’s life. But he still doesn’t know how— not really. Worse, he’s not sure what would change even if Soonyoung did understand.

There’s still a flight going to America tomorrow with Soonyoung on it, no matter what Seokmin confesses or keeps to himself.

Soonyoung has his fingers tangled in Seokmin’s hair, a grin on his face when Seokmin’s fingers stroke the line of his ribs. There’s an edge to Soonyoung’s smile, to all of his touches, a frantic energy that he can’t seem to rid himself of. Soonyoung’s fingers stroking his hair are borderline too tight and when he moves them to pull at the hem of Seokmin’s shirt, he jerks uselessly at the fabric.

"Off— Get this off—" Soonyoung says, looking up at Seokmin with a half-formed pout on his face.

Something pangs in the middle of Seokmin’s chest. He gathers Soonyoung’s wrists carefully into one hand using them to tug him into another slow kiss, trying to calm some of the nervous energy rolling off him in waves.

Soonyoung goes into it too quickly, bumping their teeth together in his haste. It makes Seokmin smile, cupping his other hand around Soonyoung’s cheek, thumb brushing along his cheekbone. Soonyoung seems to get the message, slowing to match rather than trying to drag Seokmin along at a breakneck pace. Seokmin releases his wrists again, still holding onto his face.

This time, when Soonyoung reaches to pull Seokmin’s shirt over his head the motion is smooth and Seokmin ducks his chin to his chest to make it easier. Soonyoung grins as he drops it off the end of the bed, pushing both hands against his chest until Seokmin falls back against the bed. Seokmin flops back with a huff, leaning up on his elbows as Soonyoung settles himself between his spread legs. He’s about to ask what Soonyoung has in mind, but he’s distracted by the warmth of Soonyoung’s mouth pressed against his stomach, his tongue leaving a damp trail behind.

Seokmin’s head falls back between his shoulders with a gasp, more out of anticipation than anything else. If he’s learned nothing else from sleeping with Soonyoung, he’s certainly discovered how devilish his mouth can be. He tightens his fingers in the sheets, one of his legs twitching at the tickle of Soonyoung’s tongue on his skin. He can feel the smile creeping up on Soonyoung’s face as his mouth dips lower, nipping just along the waist of his jeans. He shifts enough to pull Seokmin’s belt open, yanking it free of the loops of his jeans with a hiss of leather before it drops to the floor as well.

As much as Soonyoung usually likes to take his time to draw things out and torment Seokmin, this time he continues wrestling Seokmin’s clothes off like a man on a mission— jerking Seokmin’s jeans down his thighs with a fervor that makes Seokmin bite down on a laugh. Soonyoung combs his bangs away from his forehead, shooting him an annoyed look.

“Buy looser pants,” he grumbles before nipping the inside of Seokmin’s thigh in revenge. Seokmin yelps in surprise, laughing when Soonyoung wiggles until he has Seokmin’s knees draped over his shoulders. Seokmin squeezes his legs around Soonyoung, who hardly seems bothered by the pressure, latching his mouth to Seokmin’s thigh, leaving the ring of his teeth imprinted in the muscle.

Seokmin’s head falls back with a whine, doing his best to strangle the sound off. It doesn’t do much except make the sound strange. Soonyoung detaches his mouth, drawing his tongue over the spot. Seokmin digs his fingers into the sheets harder, lifting his head to stare down at Soonyoung.

“Do you have a plan down there?” He asks, almost impressed by the steadiness of his own voice. Soonyoung looks up sliding his hands up Seokmin’s thighs, lifting his hips further and knocking Seokmin to lay fully on his back.

“I do,” Soonyoung says, leaning his cheek on Seokmin’s thigh with a grin on his face. “My plan was to eat you out.”

Seokmin can feel every inch of his face that goes red at the suggestion, freeing one of his hands to cover his face. Soonyoung giggles, tickling under Seokmin’s thighs.

“If you’re cool with that,” Soonyoung says, giving his thigh a little prod. Seokmin peeks between his fingers as he nods, aware that Soonyoung is doing more than just teasing him by asking. Soonyoung presses an open-mouthed kiss to his thigh, following it with a chain of others until he’s dragging his teeth over the sensitive crease of his groin. Seokmin whimpers, doing his best to cover for it, some distant concern for Wonwoo’s sleep still caught in the corner of his mind.

Soonyoung doesn’t share in it, pulling Seokmin’s briefs out of the way and pressing one soft kiss to the head of his cock before continuing to pull them out of the way, negotiating them down Seokmin’s thighs without quite letting go of them. He traces his tongue up Seokmin’s thigh before pressing it to Seokmin’s perineum with enough pressure to make him twitch.

Like this, with the warm, quick gusts of Soonyoung’s breath on his skin and the steady pressure of his hands, Seokmin can almost forget that all of it will be gone by this time tomorrow. At least, Seokmin is doing his best to forget about it.

It’s made much easier by the first slick brush of Soonyoung’s tongue across his tight rim. The warm touch makes his thighs twitch around Soonyoung’s ears and Soonyoung’s fingers tighten, his thumb teasing one of the darkening bruises in the shape of his mouth. Seokmin lets himself wiggle a little on the bed, lips parted around a groan as Soonyoung’s tongue starts to prod at his skin with purpose, teasing Seokmin’s muscles until they start to relax, changing from the probing tip of his tongue to rolling it slowly against Seokmin’s hole. For his part, Seokmin knots his fingers harder in the sheets and whines, pushing his hips up toward Soonyoung’s mouth.

When the tip of Soonyoung’s tongue starts to press carefully past his rim, Seokmin claps one of his hands over his mouth to try and quiet his groan. Soonyoung’s nails drag thin lines over his thighs, inching his tongue in further before drawing it out and sucking gently on Seokmin’s rim. Seokmin whimpers, most of the sound getting lost between his fingers.

Soonyoung pulls suddenly away, laying his chin on Seokmin’s thigh, lips slick and pupils dilated to black holes. He takes in the sight of Seokmin’s covered mouth and sulks, which Seokmin finds a little disconcerting coming from the vicinity of his dick.

“Quit that,” Soonyoung says, pinching the underside of Seokmin’s thigh. Seokmin shifts his leg away, giving Soonyoung a weak glare when he drops his hand.

“Wonwoo-hyung lives here too,” he says, his voice a low hiss. Soonyoung shrugs, flicking his tongue out to catch the pearled precome on the tip of Seokmin’s cock.

“He probably didn’t come back,” Soonyoung says, his fingers tracing down Seokmin’s thighs. “And if he did, I don’t care.”

As much as Seokmin doesn’t want any of his friends to hear him having sex, it’s also nearly impossible for him to deny Soonyoung anything. He does his best to seem like he isn’t going to give in so easily, sighing before running his fingers through Soonyoung’s bangs.

“Fine,” he says, ruffling Soonyoung’s hair between his fingers before dropping his hand to the side once again. Soonyoung grins and it makes something stupid and warm flutter in the middle of Seokmin’s stomach. If there’s was ever any kind of sexy mood between him and Soonyoung, they’ve probably totally ruined it. But that suits Seokmin just fine— when Soonyoung goes back to working Seokmin’s rim open with his tongue, Seokmin melts into the bed with a whine that sounds loud even to his own ears.

Soonyoung’s fingers curl tighter around Seokmin’s thighs, holding them in place when his hips try to twitch reflexively away from the invading pressure of Soonyoung’s mouth. As much as Soonyoung seems to get a kick out of the sounds Seokmin makes, they’re embarrassing to hear coming out of his own mouth. As his muscles give way to the insistent pressure of Soonyoung’s mouth, his voice rises to a pitch that scrapes his vocal chords with each groan.

It’ll be a wonder if he can talk at all in the morning. Soonyoung buries his tongue fully inside the fluttering ring of muscle, tilting his head and fucking it slowly in and out, his nails digging crescents into Seokmin’s thighs when his hips start to squirm.

Seokmin tilts his head back with a frustrated whimper, trying to roll his hips against Soonyoung’s mouth to force his tongue even further in somehow. To Seokmin’s great dismay, Soonyoung pulls away instead, pressing a messy kiss to Seokmin’s rim when he whines. He slides one of Seokmin’s legs off of his shoulder, spreading his legs further apart and bringing his now free hand to his mouth, sucking two of his fingers between his lips and leaving them slick as well.

He presses the pad of one finger against Seokmin’s rim, gentle at first, teasing the relaxed muscles before sliding it in slowly. Seokmin groans, squeezing his eyes shut and biting down on his lip when Soonyoung’s tongue joins his finger, licking around where Seokmin is stretched around the single digit. He thrusts his finger slowly, the rhythm made uneven by the jerks of Seokmin’s hips.

Soonyoung’s finger brushes over his prostate and Seokmin whimpers, his back arching away from the bed, the leg still thrown over Soonyoung’s shoulder trembling. Soonyoung curls his finger over the spot, teasing it before drawing his finger back to line up the second. His mouth returns to nipping the inside of Seokmin’s thighs, stretching his fingers carefully apart. There’s a sharp, tugging feeling in the center of Seokmin’s stomach and he twists, not sure if he wants to push his hips up or pull away.

Before he’s able to make up his mind, Soonyoung’s fingers curl again, his tongue dragging up over Seokmin’s perineum. Seokmin’s hips jolt up sharply, his leg curling over Soonyoung’s back, thighs shaking. He comes so suddenly that it would be a surprise if he was aware of anything other than the blood rushing through his head and Soonyoung’s fingers rubbing against his prostate until his voice cracks.

Soonyoung is gentle in returning Seokmin’s hips to the bed, drawing his fingers out and holding onto his thigh still. Seokmin takes a long moment to come back to himself, blinking at the ceiling, his muscles jumping in surprise when he feels the wet heat of Soonyoung’s tongue on his stomach, cleaning the come off in several long, slow strokes. Soonyoung hovers in his view after a moment, one of his hands rubbing soothing circles in Seokmin’s hip, a grin on his face.

“You okay?” He asks the smile on his face just a shade too wide for genuine concern. Seokmin nods weakly, grinning in return. It takes a moment to figure out how to move his muscles properly, sitting up and reaching out to pull Soonyoung closer, planting a messy kiss to his lips. Soonyoung hums into it and Seokmin pulls his pants open, pushing them down around his hips. Soonyoung makes a surprised sound against Seokmin’s mouth, resting his hands on Seokmin’s shoulders and leaning back with a slight shake of his head.

“You don’t gotta—” he says, but Seokmin cuts him off with a shake of his head. He manages to heave himself up on his knees, massaging his palm over the neglected bulge of Soonyoung’s cock. Soonyoung’s argument dies out with a whine, his hips pushing into Seokmin’s hand.

He nudges Soonyoung to lay flat on the bed, his legs shaking just a little when he moves to settle himself on top of Soonyoung. Soonyoung blinks up at him, his hand skimming up over Seokmin’s hips, his tongue darting out over his lower lip as he drags his gaze up over Seokmin’s body.

Careful not to knock himself over, Seokmin leans forward until he can dig the poorly hidden bottle of lube out from under Soonyoung’s pillow. It seems like this is the point where Soonyoung finally catches onto exactly what Seokmin has in mind, both hands gripping onto Seokmin’s ass. He shakes his head, but it’s easy to tell that his heart isn’t in the protest. Seokmin looks down at him with a grin, kissing Soonyoung quickly before sitting back on his heels.

"Do you not want me to ride you?" He asks, feeling victorious when Soonyoung's face flushes. He has his lips parted slightly, trying and failing to come up with an answer. Seokmin smiles just a bit wider, returning his focus instead to slicking lube over his own fingers.

He does his best to be efficient about stretching himself, even with the twitchy, sensitive feeling in his muscles. Every slight push and brush of the digits against his walls makes his hips jerk restlessly, caught between trying to escape the sensation and slide them in deeper. Soonyoung is staring up at him like he's some kind of wonder of the world, his eyes wide and sparkling in the dim light. It makes Seokmin's face flush, feeling exposed. He expects it to make him nervous or shy, but there's a funny twist of confidence in his stomach that makes his back arch a little more, almost tempted to show off.

When he slides a third finger inside himself he groans, the burn of his muscles making his thighs shake. Soonyoung echoes the sound, his hips lifting to grind his cock against Seokmin's thigh. Seokmin bites down on another whine, stretching his fingers carefully, his other hand resting on the center of Soonyoung's chest in an effort to keep himself balanced. He twists his fingers, eyes narrowed into slits, his spent cock starting to twitch back to attention at the stimulation. Part of him wants to collapse into a tired, overstimulated heap on Soonyoung's chest, but a much larger part is determined to make good on his word.

Seokmin bites down on another whine when his fingers slide out, forcing his eyes open and fumbling the bottle into his hands once more, pouring it over his palm and wrapping his slick hand around Soonyoung's cock. Soonyoung's hips jerk up into the loose grasp of it, his head falling back against the bed with a choked off sound. He rolls his hips up into Seokmin's fist, eyes fluttering shut as he breathes out another low groan.

As careful as Seokmin tries to be sliding down on Soonyoung's, his thighs threaten to give out before he's made it halfway. Soonyoung lifts his hands to grasp his hips tightly, helping support his weight until their hips meet. Soonyoung groans again, his grip going tighter as he struggles not to push up into the tight heat of Seokmin's body. Seokmin presses his palm down harder on Soonyoung's chest, small shudders trembling down his spine as he rolls his hips in a careful circle. He feels almost too full, his body threatening to burst apart at every seam from the stretch of Soonyoung's cock and the incredible swelling and squeezing of his own heart in his chest.

He lifts his hips slowly, tipping his head back between his shoulders. Soonyoung lurches under him, and Seokmin almost flops backward to the bed when he sits up, wrapping both arms around Soonyoung's shoulders. Soonyoung laughs, the sound tangling up with a groan when Seokmin's hips drop down again, his hands resting on the small of Seokmin's back.

It's much easier like this to roll his hips against Soonyoung's, face pressed into the side of Soonyoung's neck, still struggling to find a proper rhythm. Soonyoung thrusts his hips up in return with more force and focus than Seokmin has left in his whole body, his lips pressed to the side of Seokmin's face. Every little groan of his voice vibrates against Seokmin's skin and he clings tighter onto Soonyoung, hoping the tears starting to blur his vision are a product of the sparks sinking from his spine into his veins and not the uneven convulsions of his heart in his chest.

Seokmin catches himself wondering if Soonyoung can feel the hummingbird pace of his pulse beneath his skin. It seems like it should be more obvious, more physical, like every moment that ticks by should come with the extraction of a piece of Seokmin's heart. He buries his face further into Soonyoung's shoulder and hopes the tears leaking out of his eyes aren't obvious.

Soonyoung's hands drag up his back, fingers spread wide, his thumbs mapping every bump in Seokmin's spine. The touch is slow, delicate, at odds with the slap of their skin together each time Soonyoung thrusts his hips up to meet the pace of Seokmin sliding up and down. He pulls his face away from Soonyoung's neck, blinking his eyes rapidly in an attempt to clear them before pulling Soonyoung into a long, slow kiss.

Seokmin slides his hands up to cup around Soonyoung's jaw, fingers stroking over the lines of his face in a vain effort to commit them to memory. Soonyoung makes a sound that gets lost between the two of them, his hands going tighter at Seokmin's back, letting his teeth scrape over Seokmin's lower lip. Seokmin can feel Soonyoung's pace start to go jagged as well, his hips pumping up erratically. He pulls back from the kiss only to lean his forehead against Seokmin's, his breath coming out in harsh pants.

"Minnie," he says, his voice strained, the nails of one hand digging into Seokmin's shoulders. He pulls the other away, fumbling between them to wrap his fingers around Seokmin's cock, stroking it almost in time with the rolls of their hips. Seokmin whines, squeezing his eyes shut like that will somehow help with the overwhelming level of sensation.

"'M close," Soonyoung says, breathing the words out against the corner of Seokmin's mouth. His fingers tangle in Seokmin's hair, holding onto him until there's barely space between their bodies for him to continue stroking Seokmin's cock. He nods, doing his best to keep his hips moving in spite of his body’s threats to simply dissolve into a puddle in Soonyoung's lap.

Soonyoung makes a sound that's difficult to properly categorize, a mixture of a gasp and a loud groan, and Seokmin can feel the warmth spilling inside of him when Soonyoung comes. Seokmin's hips settle against Soonyoung's, and the loose grasp of Soonyoung's fingers around his cock and the slow grind of the head of Soonyoung's cock against his prostate when he rolls his hips is enough to tip Seokmin over the edge as well. It's a bigger orgasm than the first, leaving Seokmin gasping for air, drawn out by Soonyoung's hips still pushing up into him and the little kisses that Soonyoung flutters against his cheek.

They flop onto the bed, Seokmin leaning to the side to avoid squishing Soonyoung under him, his chest still heaving in an attempt to draw in enough air. Soonyoung pulls out with a muffled groan, kissing the swell of Seokmin's shoulder. Even with his eyes closed and his cheek pressed into the mattress, Seokmin can feel Soonyoung smiling against his skin.

"Holy fuck," he says when his breathing finally evens out enough to let him speak. Soonyoung laughs, his breath warm over Seokmin's skin, stroking his back slowly.

"Yeah," Soonyoung says, his voice low and a little husky in a way that would be hot if Seokmin hadn't just had all the life fucked out of him. As it is, he's boneless against Soonyoung's mattress, barely hanging on the edge of being awake. Soonyoung pokes at his side until he opens his eyes, looking down at him with a smile. "There's some fancy ice cream and cake left in the kitchen."

Seokmin groans, weighing the promise of food against the insurmountable task that is moving. Soonyoung, for his part, still seems to have plenty of energy, because he rolls off the bed without waiting for Seokmin to answer, rescuing his underwear from the floor. He drops Seokmin's next to him, patting his hip with a giggle.

"You'll feel better if you have sugar in you," he says and Seokmin gives in at that, rolling over and reaching out to pull himself up with Soonyoung's offered hand. He doesn't bother with anything more than his underwear as well, figuring that if Wonwoo catches him now he certainly doesn't have much left to hide.

The two of them wind up sitting on the floor of Soonyoung's tiny kitchen, too big slices of cake piled on paper plates, their backs against the wood cabinets. Seokmin can't help but smile, letting himself curl to the side toward the warmth of Soonyoung sitting next to him. Soonyoung grins, dabbing a fingerful of frosting on Seokmin's nose when his eyes start to drift shut.

"Do you wanna stay here?" He asks when Seokmin peels his eyes open. They're sitting closer than Seokmin expects and the proximity of Soonyoung's smile makes his stomach flutter. He nods because he can't imagine walking all the way home without collapsing on the sidewalk. Soonyoung hums, lacing their fingers together, letting Seokmin's cheek rest on his shoulder.

"You should come with me," he says. For a moment, Seokmin's tired brain assumes he means all the way to LA, and the thought makes him smile, as crazy as it is.

He would go. He would probably go anywhere for Soonyoung.

But that's not really what Soonyoung is asking and Seokmin catches up before the fantasy of it distracts him any further. "To the airport?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung says, flipping Seokmin's hand over and stroking one finger over the lines of his palm. "I wanna see you before I go."

He could point out that Soonyoung is seeing him _now,_ but he's never been able to deny Soonyoung anything, not really. So, he nods his head with a little smile, stuffing another bite of cake in his mouth.

"Okay," he says, nuzzling his cheek into a more comfortable spot on Soonyoung's shoulder.

Soonyoung pulls him up from the floor when he starts to forgo eating in favor of drifting off to sleep, setting the plates on the counter and tucking one arm around Seokmin's side to drag him back to bed. The both of them giggle the whole way and Seokmin crashes onto the bed with a groan, stretching his arms over his head. Soonyoung curls up behind him, an arm draped over his side, pulling the sheets up to cover them both. Seokmin appreciates it, having the warmth of Soonyoung at his back, breath tickling his shoulder.

"I'm gonna miss you," he says, his voice so low that he's not sure if Soonyoung will hear it or not. For a long moment after, the room is quiet, and Seokmin wonders if Soonyoung is already asleep.

"I'm gonna miss you too," Soonyoung says, pressing a small kiss to the back of Seokmin's neck. "Probably more than anybody else."

There's more that Seokmin wants to say— more that he _needs_ to say before he loses his chance. But all the feelings in his chest are too tangled for him to find the right words and everything gets stuck as a lump in his throat.

He can feel Soonyoung's breathing even out against his back, drifting off to sleep, but in spite of how tired he is, it seems like it takes hours for Seokmin to follow.

**{* * *}**

Soonyoung wakes up to the blaring of the alarm on his phone and Seokmin's body tangled up with his. He sits up with a little groan, swiping at the screen of his phone until the alarm goes quiet, rubbing his eyes to try and erase the last bits of sleep clinging to his vision.

Seokmin is still fast asleep, his arms curled around one of Soonyoung's pillows, his whole body slightly bowed toward the warmth of Soonyoung at his back. As much as Soonyoung wants to lay back down and pull Seokmin close to him, he's painfully aware that he doesn't have the time to devote to cuddling like he wants to. He pulls away with a sigh, scraping his bangs away from his forehead as he climbs out of the bed. 

With all of his stuff packed already, his room feels painfully sparse. Even when he grabs the clothes left out of his suitcase to wear for the day, he feels the need to run his fingers over the front of his now empty drawers. It's odd, seeing the room stripped of everything that belongs to him; empty white walls and old, plain furniture. The space itself belongs to no one and seeing it like this makes Soonyoung feel a little lost. 

He shuffles his way into the shower with a frown etched on his face, hoping that cleaning off the layer of sweat dried on his skin will make him feel a little better. It's unlikely, seeing as he has a thirteen-hour flight to look forward to, all the way to a new country and another empty apartment that he's never seen. He scowls, turning the hot water on and staring at the stream for a moment before stepping under it and yanking the curtain shut. 

Soonyoung presses his forehead against the cold wall of the shower, letting the water run over his back and shutting his eyes. He should feel excited about leaving for LA, probably, but it's hard to muster up anything but a sense of nervous dread. Part of it is the nerves that come along with traveling anywhere, especially by himself, but there's something more to it than that.

For the first time, Soonyoung is really aware of what he's leaving behind.

It’s not that he thinks he's making a mistake— this isn't an opportunity that he's likely to get again and it's no small thing. But it's starting to feel like leaving, and ending whatever it is he has with Seokmin, is no small thing either. 

He stays in the shower too long, turning all the things he wants to say over and over in his head. When he finally pulls himself out, toweling off roughly and rubbing his hair dry as best he can. He wanders out into the kitchen, pulling his shirt over his head, blinking in surprise when he’s met with the sight of Wonwoo already in the kitchen.

“Since when are you up this early?” He asks, rubbing the back of his neck with a laugh. Wonwoo grunts, leaning on the counter and staring at the cup of coffee in both his hands.

“Jihoon-ah kicked me out,” he says, which explains the pout on his face. Soonyoung laughs, glad that Wonwoo decided to spend the night somewhere else, taking a spot next to Wonwoo with a hum.

“Is Seokmin-ah still asleep?” He asks, looking over at Soonyoung, rolling his eyes when Soonyoung ducks his head and blushes. “It wasn’t hard to figure out that he was staying over.”

“I think he’s still asleep,” Soonyoung says after a reluctant moment, drumming his fingers on the top of the counter. Wonwoo nods, leaning his head to the side and sighing.

“Did you guys talk?” He asks and Soonyoung internally curses the way his face flushes further, giving him away. “Or did you just fuck?”

“I dunno what to say,” Soonyoung says, dropping his hand from the counter and leaning his head back between his shoulders with a groan.

“Are you breaking up?”

“We weren’t actually anything to begin with,” he says, for probably the dozenth time. Wonwoo huffs a sound that’s somewhere between a sigh and a laugh and Soonyoung can’t help but shoot him a little glare. “I’m not explaining the concept of friends with benefits to you.”

“You’re the one who doesn’t get it,” Wonwoo says, shaking his head. “If it’s just benefits isn’t it supposed to be casual?”

Soonyoung doesn’t have a good answer to that and judging by Wonwoo’s face, he knows it too. Soonyoung opens his mouth, intent on snapping something else to get Wonwoo to shut up, but he stops when he hears the sound of Seokmin shuffling his way out of the bedroom, arms stretched over his head, yawning.

He’s wearing his pants from the night before, hanging low on his hips, missing a shirt. Soonyoung’s face will probably never go back to being a normal color and with his eyes still half-closed, Seokmin doesn’t notice Wonwoo standing there as well.

“Is there coffee?” He says, mumbling a little. Soonyoung finds himself nodding without a thought, turning to pour the rest of the pot Wonwoo had already made. Wonwoo rolls his eyes, looking determinedly down at his coffee like it’s possible to ignore the shirtless young man wandering around the kitchen.

Seokmin reaches out for the coffee, blinking twice when he realizes Wonwoo is there. “Oh. Good morning, Wonwoo-hyung.”

“Did you lose your shirt?” Wonwoo acts, in lieu of a proper greeting. Seokmin looks down at his bare chest like he’s surprised by it, the tips of his ears turning pink.

“I think I know where it is,” he says, taking a small sip of the coffee. Wonwoo rolls his eyes, pushing off the counter and shaking his head.

“You should call your cab soon,” Wonwoo says, stepping carefully around Seokmin, giving the thin scratches on his back a pointed look before glaring at Soonyoung.

Soonyoung nods, ducking his head in an effort to try and hide from Wonwoo’s glare. Seokmin doesn’t seem to notice it, leaning his weight into Soonyoung’s side with a low groan.

“How am I still so tired?” He says, his eyes drooping closed once again. Soonyoung laughs, ruffling Seokmin’s hair between his fingers.

“You slept like the dead,” he says, his smile only getting wider when Seokmin leans into the touch of his hand, humming in agreement.

“It was so nice,” he says, taking another long drink of his coffee. “Do I have time to shower before we go?”

“You don’t have to come,” Soonyoung says, even though he’d asked for exactly that the night before. Seokmin isn’t so tired that he misses the hesitation, giving Soonyoung a proper look for the first time all morning.

“Oh,” he says, sounding like he’s been punched in the gut. “I can just head home, I guess.”

Soonyoung immediately regrets every word that’s ever come out his mouth. He wants Seokmin to come with him just as much as he doesn’t want to say good-bye. Soonyoung clears his throat, still struggling with his words.

“But there’s time,” he says, his eyes focused on the fine details of the floor. “If you wanna come along.”

Seokmin’s face brightens so much that it makes Soonyoung’s chest ache.

“I’ll be fast,” he says, setting the mug down and pressing a quick, dry kiss to Soonyoung’s cheek before he’s off to the bathroom, leaving Soonyoung by himself.

He’s not expecting anything special out of saying his farewells to Wonwoo, but there’s still a lump starting to build up in his throat when he knocks on Wonwoo’s door.

It swings open after a moment to reveal Wonwoo with a carefully composed expression, leaning his side on the frame of the door.

“Did you call the cab?” He asks and Soonyoung nods his head with a small smile.

“Minnie is coming with me,” he says and Wonwoo inclines his head a little. Soonyoung shifts his weight back and forth, trying to think of something to say.

When he fails, he decides to just yank Wonwoo into a hug, burying his face in the side of Wonwoo’s neck. Wonwoo makes a surprised sound, wrapping his arms around Soonyoung in return.

“You gotta take care of yourself,” Wonwoo says, mumbling against the top of Soonyoung’s head. Soonyoung laughs, staying tucked close to Wonwoo until he’s certain he’s not going to start crying. Wonwoo pats his shoulder, his lips tilted up in a smile. “Since I’m not gonna be around to do it for you.”

“I will,” Soonyoung says, his voice sounding thick already. He’s definitely going to be the weird kid sitting on the plane crying, at this rate. He’s counting himself lucky that he said most of his goodbyes while intoxicated when it was far less embarrassing.

Wonwoo’s small twitch of a smile fades, ruffling Soonyoung’s hair just to annoy him, laughing when Soonyoung hops back and does his best to fix it.

Behind him, Soonyoung can hear the sound of the shower turning off and Wonwoo glances at the closed door to their bathroom with one eyebrow raised.

“Try not to fuck that up too,” he says, and Soonyoung resents the little flare of heat in his face.

“I’ll try,” Soonyoung says after a moment, scratching the back of his head.

**{* * *}**

The cab ride to the airport seems painfully short, and while the two of them spend the time chattering, Seokmin can’t remember a single word he’s said all day as soon as the cab comes to a stop.

For a moment, he's stuck staring out the window like a fish out of water, floundering for one useless lungful of air after another. Soonyoung taps his shoulder lightly and Seokmin jolts, turning around with a too-forced smile on his face.

"I'll grab the bag for you," he says, glad when Soonyoung doesn't call him out on acting weird. He swings the door open, going around to the trunk to pull Soonyoung's suitcase out while he pays the fare, squeezing one hand tight at his side.

It's a struggle not to feel like the entire world is crashing down on him, but Seokmin is doing his best. He pulls up the handle of the suitcase up, dragging it along behind him as he follows Soonyoung inside. Part of him expects it to feel more overwhelming, following along behind Soonyoung while he checks in for his flight and then finds a small cafe to buy Seokmin another coffee, but his brain feels oddly blank like it's been filled up with white noise rather than thoughts.

"Minnie?" Soonyoung asks, giggling as he holds onto Seokmin's coffee, trying to pass it into his hands. He blinks, taking it slowly and doing his best to smile.

"Sorry," he says, taking a sip too soon and burning his tongue. Soonyoung wrinkles his nose, poking two fingers into Seokmin's side.

"You can't still be asleep," he says, rolling his eyes when Seokmin shrugs one of his shoulders. Soonyoung has his lip caught between his teeth, looking up at Seokmin like he's thinking about something, his brows pinched slightly together.

"Do you think we could..." he starts, trailing off after a moment. He looks up at Seokmin then back down at his feet, shaking his head. That catches Seokmin's wandering attention, pulling him back down to properly inhabit his own body.

"What?" He says, resting one hand lightly on Soonyoung's shoulder. He can feel the frantic beating of his own heart in the back of his throat, even though he has no idea what Soonyoung might be about to ask him.

"We should find a place to sit," Soonyoung says, laughing weakly and wrapping his fingers around Seokmin's wrist. Seokmin nods his head weakly, letting Soonyoung pull him to a small table tucked away in the corner, still trying to puzzle out what Soonyoung might be about to ask him.

He could ask Soonyoung the question that's been on his own mind, not just since waking up but for the last few days, weeks maybe. He could ask if Soonyoung wants them to be something real just as badly as Seokmin does.

He doesn't, instead, he watches Soonyoung settle himself into the seat and fiddle with his phone for a moment. Seokmin's insides grow increasingly more twisted until Soonyoung looks up at him, drumming his fingers on the top of the table.

"Are you freaking out?" He asks, cupping his hand over Soonyoung's with a little laugh. Soonyoung nods, dropping to rest his chin on the table with a long sigh.

"Yes! It's like a thirteen-hour flight or something," Soonyoung says, shutting his eyes as he whines. "What if I get seated next to someone who smells weird?"

"You'll probably get used to it," Seokmin says, fighting the urge to smile. He ruffles Soonyoung's hair gently, shaking his head. "You're gonna be fine."

"Easy for you to say," Soonyoung grumbles, resting his chin on top of his arm. After a moment, he looks up with a smile. "Thanks for coming with me."

Seokmin nods, not sure if he wants to kiss Soonyoung or cry over the fact that he's about to be gone. Soonyoung's tongue darts over his lower lip, tracing nonsense patterns on the surface of the table in front of him, his chin tucked toward his chest like he's avoiding Seokmin's eyes. Seokmin chews the inside of his cheek, pressing his lips tight together in an effort to stop his urge to talk just to fill the dead space.

"You don't gotta be nervous, I think," he says, internally cursing himself for giving in so quickly. He's never been good with long silences, or awkwardness. "I mean, you can probably spend most of the flight sleeping, right? And then once you get there you get to go see your apartment and meet your roommates and stuff."

"And go through customs," Soonyoung says, glancing up at Seokmin with a small smile on his face.

"You should be excited," Seokmin says, with a conviction he's not sure he really feels. "It's gonna be great! You have to make sure you send me pictures of the beach."

"When am I going to the beach?" Soonyoung asks, rolling his eyes. Seokmin slumps a little in his seat, trying to swallow down the rest of the words crowding their way into his mouth.

"You'll probably go a lot," he says, his voice softer than before. Soonyoung makes a slightly sour face like Seokmin is offering him a whole lemon as a snack, looking back down at the table.

"I guess. It's not really like a vacation," he says and Seokmin can feel himself wilting.

"You're right. Just ignore me," he says, doing his best to laugh it off.

The moment draws out long and silent between them, and every second makes Seokmin want to explode out of his skin. There's a hum of tension through his whole body and it feels like he could go run a marathon before Soonyoung's plane arrives and still have plenty of energy to waste on overthinking their friendship.

It can't just be him, though, that can feel something there, just out of his reach. There's an answer somewhere, even if Seokmin falls just short of being able to understand it. He wants Soonyoung to say something, at least to confirm that Seokmin hasn't been driving himself crazy over nothing.

He wants Soonyoung to be just as in love as he is.

Of all the thousand things in Seokmin's head that want to come out of his mouth, that's the thought that rests on the back of his tongue like a ten-ton weight, making it impossible to say anything at all.

"Hey," Soonyoung says, his voice soft, eyes darting between Seokmin and the surface of the table. "Thanks for coming with me."

"No problem," Seokmin says, smiling just a little.

"I was gonna ask Wonwoo to come but," Soonyoung pauses, scowling at his hands for a moment before looking up at Seokmin once more, holding his gaze this time. "I wanted you to be the person to see me off, I guess."

Seokmin wishes hearing that alone was enough to fix the fractured beating of his heart. Soonyoung stands, stretching his arms over his head with a sigh, a smile hanging precariously on his face.

"I should go through the security line," he says and even though Seokmin knows he's nodding his head, the motion feels far away. He stands up as well, forgetting his coffee on the table in favor of grabbing Soonyoung's bag once again, dragging it behind him. To his surprise, Soonyoung reaches back to grab his other hand, giving it a quick squeeze before releasing it once again.

Soonyoung stops short a dozen feet in front of the marked out security section and Seokmin almost bumps into him. Soonyoung turns, worrying his lip between his teeth when he tilts his chin up slightly to look at Seokmin fully. He has both hands in front of him, plucking at the hem of his shirt, his whole body drawn tight like a bow preparing to fire.

Even as Seokmin realizes the _now or never_ moment in front of him, he knows he doesn't have the courage to actually confess any of his feelings to Soonyoung, especially in the middle of the airport. Soonyoung swallows hard, looking down at his hands before looking up at Seokmin again.

"I wanna ask you something," Soonyoung says, fidgeting from side to side.

"Okay," Seokmin says, his voice sounding distant to his own ears.

Soonyoung opens his mouth then closes it again, so quickly that Seokmin can hear his teeth snap together. Out of habit, he reaches out to squeeze Soonyoung's shoulder, to try and ease some of the tension from his slim shoulders but Soonyoung catches his wrist before it gets there. Seokmin can see the shaking of his own fingers before Soonyoung tugs on his arm, leaning up on his toes and pressing their lips together.

It isn't a question and Seokmin isn't even sure what kind of kiss it is— if it's a good-bye or something that Soonyoung can't find the words to say.

For one long, long moment it seems like there's no force in the world that could actually tear him apart from Soonyoung, even as he feels his own shoulders quivering with the stupid urge to cry.

Then Soonyoung pulls away, blinking his eyes twice before dropping back to his feet and letting go of Seokmin's wrist. He doesn't say anything and Seokmin doesn't either, watching Soonyoung grab his bag and step back, widening the space between them from inches to miles.

Even though he stands in the same spot until he can't see Soonyoung anymore, Seokmin doesn't really watch him go. He feels rooted to the spot, like he's waiting for something dramatic to happen, like Soonyoung sprinting back to that exact spot to confess.

He doesn't. Seokmin stands there until someone bumps into him and knocks him out of his trance, tears starting to crowd up in his vision. Usually, he'd be more embarrassed about the idea of crying in public, but it seems like it'll be impossible to stop himself anyway.

Seokmin goes home sitting in the back of a cab by himself, wiping tears away messily with the corner of his sleeve, wondering how long Soonyoung will have to be gone before his chest no longer hurts.


	2. far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distance is something they’ve already had far too much of.

Soonyoung spends the first few hours of his 14 hour flight grateful for the auntie passing him tissues and not commenting on the bouts of crying that seize him without warning. Every time he thinks he’s finished with all the tears his body has to offer, he thinks of something else sad about leaving and is struck by the need to cry once again. It seems like that's how his entire semester abroad is going to go; random bouts of homesickness and crying that leave him feeling tired and drained.

His luck doesn't really look up until after he's landed and managed to get to his dormitory from the airport mostly by showing the address to the taxi driver and stumbling awkwardly over his words. There are two neat name tags stuck to the door of his room already; _Soonyoung Kwon_ and _Joshua Hong._

Joshua Hong turns out to be all the luck that Soonyoung is alloted for the next year, probably: a Korean-American, LA born ballet student. After the first few days that it takes for Soonyoung to get over the majority of his moroseness and jet lag, he finds out that Joshua is easy to get along with. He smiles a lot and he's quick to tell jokes, even ones that don't quite translate into Korean very well. His Korean is really only better than Soonyoung's English by a slim margin and most of their conversations require some work at meeting in the middle.

It doesn't erase all of the loneliness that Soonyoung feels whenever he looks at everything he's missing out on in Korea, but it makes him feel a little bit better, at least.

The other thing that helps keep his mind off of missing home is how brutal the first few dance classes are.

"I think I might be dying," Soonyoung says, stretching his arms out weakly to the sides. The studio floor underneath him is cold but unforgivingly hard and it's doing nothing for his sore shoulders and his aching hips. Joshua is in only a slightly better state, sitting on the floor rather than starfish-spread like Soonyoung is, leaning his back against the mirror. He does his best to shove his hair away from his forehead though his sweaty bangs just flop stubbornly back into his eyes.

"If I have to do any more lifts my arms are going to fall off," Joshua says after he finishes draining half of his bottle of water. Soonyoung nods, squeezing his eyes shut and wondering if it's possible to simply pass out until the class ends.

It's a good challenge, even if every fiber of his being is currently screaming for some kind of relief. This is what he was looking for— something to really push his skills, to force him to be better.

He thinks, just for a moment, about sending a picture of his current misery to Seokmin but before he makes up his mind Joshua is tapping lightly on his shoulder. Soonyoung opens his eyes, peeling himself off of the floor and wobbling back to his feet for the rest of their drills.

In the two weeks since leaving Korea, he's only spoken to Seokmin a handful of times and most of those have been quick texts that don't require much thought. As hard as it is to navigate the 17 hour time difference, it seems even more impossible to navigate his suddenly complicated relationship with Seokmin. 

Soonyoung can't help but over think every message he tries to send to Seokmin, like he's talking to royalty and not Lee Seokmin, the least intimidating person he's ever met. Everything seems wrong and it makes even the simplest communications like a minefield. It's all Soonyoung can do to keep up the barest level of conversation, let alone try to actually put any of his tangled feelings into words.

He misses Seokmin an impossible amount, but even that is too hard to say.

Soonyoung relishes the challenge of the new dance routines, of committing the names and faces of his classmates to memory (no matter how hard a time he has pronouncing them), even studying English with Joshua's help. He does everything possible to forget, to run away from a fear he doesn't even know how to name.

It doesn't last long, but Soonyoung does his best.

 **(Seokgu):** _have you danced yourself to death??_

His last unanswered message from Seokmin is a few hours old, though Soonyoung has probably spent that whole time staring at the words on the screen, trying to come up with something clever to say— some kind of excuse. There are two messages before this one that Soonyoung read but didn't respond to because he could never actually come up with anything to say.

"You're going to go cross-eyed," Joshua says, glancing over at Soonyoung from his desk. Soonyoung jolts and almost drops his phone, looking over with a sheepish smile. "What are you staring at?"

"Just um, a message," Soonyoung says, scratching the back of his neck. He has to say _something_. He definitely owes Seokmin better than ghosting out on him.

More than that, he wants to say something. It feels stupid to struggle this much with a relationship that's so simple. Joshua hums, standing up and climbing onto the bed next to Soonyoung, leaning on his side and looking at the screen of Soonyoung's phone.

He seems surprised to find that the message is in Korean— apparently too hard for him to read because he gives Soonyoung a bewildered look until he actually reads the text on the screen. It makes him feel even more ridiculous for having such a hard time answering it.

"Oh," Joshua says, his eyebrows creeping together like he's still processing the words. "Who is it from?"

"It's from, ah," Soonyoung hesitates, suddenly not sure what to say. His best friend? The guy he has a crush on? Lee Seokmin, Human Angel? None of them is quite the right answer. "Just my friend Seokmin."

"Okay," Joshua says, drawing the word out over several extra syllables. "Why the staring match with your phone, then?"

"I can't think of anything to say," Soonyoung says, aware of how lame he sounds. Joshua laughs, patting his shoulder.

"Well you're not dead, so I would start with that, I guess," he says, smiling. Usually, Joshua's cheerfulness makes Soonyoung feel less nervous about things, but now it just makes everything even bleaker. It should be that easy, it just isn't.

It's probably painfully obvious that Soonyoung's current struggle isn't exactly over just texting a friend and the curiosity on Joshua's face is plain but Soonyoung can't quite find the words to explain himself here, either.

When Soonyoung doesn't come up with an answer, either to Joshua's unspoken question or the message itself, Joshua decides to probe the situation a little further.

"Are you guys close?" He asks, poking at Soonyoung's screen to scroll through his messages. He doesn't pause to read any of them and Soonyoung nudges his arm away with a sigh.

"Yeah, he's one of my closest friends," Soonyoung says, closing the messaging app before Joshua does any other poking around. He opens an older picture of him and Seokmin instead, sitting near the Han river and eating ice cream. They have smears from each other's cones on their noses and the light from the sun and the water casts a perfect glow on Seokmin's tan skin. His eyes are curved up into perfect half moons with his smile, his nose wrinkled just a little.

Soonyoung hasn't looked at any of the pictures of Seokmin he has stashed away on his phone for a while; they're another reminder of exactly how much he misses him.

"That's cute," Joshua says, tilting the screen to a better angle with a small chuckle.

"It is," Soonyoung says, his smile much weaker. There's a tight feeling in his chest and the last thing Soonyoung wants to do is start crying over a random picture of Seokmin. He closes the picture as well, throwing his phone onto his pillow and flopping back onto the bed with a long groan.

"You must miss him a lot," Joshua says, poking Soonyoung's side with a grin.

"I guess," Soonyoung says, covering his face with one arm.

"So you should probably text him back," Joshua says, his voice a little stronger this time. Soonyoung muffles another groan.

"Probably," he says, rolling to the side to grab his phone to resume the task of staring at the screen and making himself miserable.

It takes him much longer than it should to come up with even a weak response.

 **(10:10):** _not yet!! they've been trying tho_

He presses his face into the bed, hiding his face when he hits the send button. His phone makes a little _woosh_ sound to let him know that the message is on the way and Soonyoung tosses it to the side once again like it's somehow offended him.

If every message is going to be such an ordeal, it’s going to be a very long few months abroad.

**{* * *}**

Seokmin has spent the past several days vibrating out of his own skin with incredible nerves. Auditions always have this effect on him, regardless of the fact that Seungkwan slipped him a script months ago to give him a chance to prepare, by the time the two of them are sitting in the auditorium Seokmin is ready to either melt through the floor or explode.

Seungkwan is clearly not appreciating the death grip that Seokmin has on his arm, or the bouncing of his leg that doesn’t match up at all with the jaunty rhythm of the song being played.

“Seokmin-hyung, you have to calm down,” Seungkwan says, a sour expression on his face when he looks over. “Or at least crush something other than my arm.”

“Sorry,” Seokmin says, even though he doesn’t loosen his tight grip at all. Seungkwan sighs, patting Seokmin’s hand and shaking his head.

“You don’t have to be so nervous,” he says, his voice somewhere between soothing and scolding.

“Will it look bad if I throw up on the stage?” He says, bouncing up and down in his seat, making it squeak under him.

“If you throw up I’m making you clean it,” Seungkwan says, pinching the back of Seokmin’s hand. Seokmin whines a little, finally releasing Seungkwan’s arm.

“This is why I made Soonyoung-hyung come with me,” Seokmin says, sinking back in his seat. He doesn’t miss the roll of Seungkwan’s eyes.

He hasn’t done the best so far at coping with Soonyoung’s absence, especially because since he left for LA it’s been much harder than he’s used to. He sent a message telling Soonyoung that the musical auditions were today, but he’s not sure if Soonyoung has even finished class yet. The time difference has been tricky to navigate and even then it seems like Soonyoung is too busy to do much than carry on a basic level of conversation.

This is the first audition he’s gone to without even having Soonyoung’s well wishes to cheer him up and it’s making him more nervous than he expected.

“You’re gonna do just fine,” Seungkwan says, his cheeks puffed out in a frustrated pout. Seokmin can’t exactly blame him for that— Seungkwan has always been the most sensitive person that Seokmin knows, even when he’s not the one having an issue. So his reaction to Soonyoung being unavailable isn’t really a surprise to Seokmin in the least.

When they finally call Seokmin’s name for his audition, Seungkwan gives his hand a quick squeeze and smiles. “I’m gonna film you singing and send it to Soonyoung-hyung.”

Which, of course, does nothing to make Seokmin feel any less nervous about getting up on the stage. 

Still, in spite of his nerves, Seokmin makes it through his audition with only a few slips in his voice (and one embarrassing almost crack when he accidentally makes eye contact with Seungkwan and the camera of his phone). Seungkwan isn't quite as enthusiastic in his cheering as Soonyoung is, there's no pounding on the seat in front of him or whooping as Seokmin steps off the stages after bobbing his head in a quick bow to the student director, but Seokmin decides not to hold it against him.

To his surprise, there's someone else sitting next to Seungkwan— he must have slipped into place when Seokmin wasn't paying attention and when Seokmin returns to his spot the new boy is looking up at him with a cheery smile on his face.

Seokmin means to say hello and introduce himself but as soon as Seungkwan's friend actually looks at him his mouth goes dry and all the thoughts fly out of his head. Whoever he is, he's probably the most handsome person that Seokmin has ever seen with sharp cheeks and a smile that shows off all of his perfect teeth. The most breathtaking part is definitely his hair, auburn red and hanging down to his shoulders. It looks thick and soft and Seokmin immediately wants to run his fingers through it to see if it's as silky as it looks.

Which is definitely a strange thing when Seokmin doesn't even know his name.

"Hi," he says, after a much too long stretch of staring in wonder. His voice comes out soft and strained and Seungkwan gives him a strange look for it. Seokmin clears his throat, feeling his face start to flush. He's definitely making a total fool of himself and he can't even shoot Seungkwan a look pleading for help without being horribly obvious.

He's lucky that Seungkwan decides to save him from himself anyway.

"Jeonghan-hyung is in my Philosophy class," Seungkwan says, laying his hand on Jeonghan's shoulder. He keeps talking, waving Seokmin to sit down once again. "Seokmin-hyung is Mingyu's roommate."

"Ya, Mingyu-ya," Jeonghan says, shaking his head. His voice is light as air and Seokmin drops into his seat before he just faints instead. "Isn't he hard to live with?"

"He's not bad," Seokmin says, after he awkwardly clears his throat once again. "He just nags me about cleaning a lot."

Jeonghan laughs and Seokmin is left trying to figure out exactly how he said something funny. He's quickly distracted, though, because listening to Jeonghan laugh is way better than worrying about whatever stupid thing falls out of his mouth.

"We had a marketing class together," Jeonghan says, running one hand back through his hair to push his long hair out of his face. "Our personalities don't match very well."

Seokmin definitely has a vague memory of Mingyu having a class partner that he complained endlessly about, but he never really paid enough attention to learn Mingyu's partner's name. Seungkwan looks pleased that Seokmin is at least no longer _trying_ to make a total fool out of himself, leaning back in his seat.

"Jeonghan-hyung is auditioning for the musical as well," Seungkwan says, a smile on his face that Seokmin recognizes as just a little bit sly. "I thought it would be nice to introduce you."

For just a second, Seokmin's mind draws thin and blank, struggling to put the words Seungkwan is saying to him into proper working order.

"Oh," he says, rubbing the back of his neck where the skin is flushed and hot. "Well, um, good luck to you."

Jeonghan beams at him, hopefully not having noticed the awkward stumble in Seokmin's voice. He's not really accustomed to Seungkwan deciding out of the blue to throw handsome people his way and he's probably making a terrible first impression.

They stay to watch some of the other auditions, not because Seokmin is competitive (though it seems like Jeonghan is) but because he enjoys listening to the other singers. He barely has the confidence to audition without bringing along his own personal cheering section. Seungkwan isn't bad at it, but Seokmin still catches himself glancing at his phone in the hopes that Soonyoung sent him a message.

He doesn't have any luck on that front, though and when Jeonghan heads up to the stage for his own audition, Seokmin slumps down in his seat with a little frown on his face.

"Do you think Soonyoung-hyung is still in class?" He mumbles, looking down at his phone once again. For a moment, Seungkwan doesn't answer him and when Seokmin looks over he has a face like Seokmin is trying to get him to eat a lemon.

Seokmin chews the inside of his lip nervously, debating sending yet another message to Soonyoung. He knows he must be working Seungkwan's last nerve will all his worrying and pining after Soonyoung, but as much as he'd like to stop himself it's hard to completely put things out of his mind.

Seungkwan decides to go in a different direction with his answer. "I think you and Jeonghan-hyung will get along well."

"He's really," Seokmin starts, laughing and scratching the back of his head as he looks up at the stage. "Hot."

Seungkwan makes a sound that's somewhere between a cough and a laugh, looking at Seokmin like he's said something crazy. Seokmin's cheeks heat up and he sinks down further in his seat, shaking his head with a nervous laugh, looking back at the stage. "Ignore whatever I'm saying."

After a moment, Seungkwan's face curves into a smug smile that Seokmin is all to familiar with. "I knew you'd think so."

**{* * *}**

It's possible that Soonyoung has put a little too much trust in Joshua. He should have started looking more closely at Joshua's plans before he ended up at a place called the _Atomic Lounge_ listening to loud American music and watching Joshua order cocktails with names he doesn't really understand.

Soonyoung isn't a prude, he's been to clubs in Seoul before with Jun and Minghao but those have always felt a little more comfortable; he was more in his element there, more in control. Here, everything just feels too loud and too close and it's hard to make out any of the English that people are speaking.

He's gotten a lot better with Joshua's help, but he still has an accent that makes people laugh and call him "cute", which Soonyoung has never really found insulting until now. When Joshua suggested they spend the night out, this isn't what Soonyoung was expecting. He sticks as close to Joshua as he can, clinging to his elbow with one hand.

"Where are we?" He asks, shouting closer to Joshua's ear. Joshua smiles, more cat-like and devious than usual, putting a drink in Soonyoung's hand.

"It's a club," he says, like Soonyoung hadn't already figured that out for himself. Soonyoung rolls his eyes and takes a sip of the drink Joshua gave him. It's surprisingly sweet and a little sour and for a moment Soonyoung can't taste the alcohol in it at all.

When he does, it makes his eyes water and for a second he's not sure he didn't just drink a mouthful of gasoline. The drink is garishly pink, with a dusting of salt around the rim and a little umbrella. Soonyoung wrinkles his nose at it and Joshua laughs.

"It's a margarita," he says when Soonyoung gives him a suspicious look. Still a little wary, Soonyoung takes another sip of it and while it still tastes like gas station fumes, it's not as bad as the first sip. Soonyoung is glad that he fits well enough into Joshua's clothes because he wouldn't have had any idea how to dress himself for this kind of place otherwise.

It takes a little prodding from Joshua and at least two more margaritas (that taste better the more Soonyoung has to drink) before he actually agrees to go out and dance. Soonyoung isn't usually so shy, but he feels too far out of his element.

But Joshua links their fingers together and pulls until Soonyoung is actually on the dance floor and Soonyoung lets the part of his mind that's always primed for dancing take over. It's a natural part of him and focusing on the heavy bass that he can feel down to his bones means he doesn't have to focus on anything else.

It hasn't escaped his notice that the club Joshua decided to take him to has very few women in it, and the ones that are there seem to be more interested in each other than anyone else. He tugs a little on Joshua's sleeve, leaning in close to make sure that Joshua can actually hear him.

 _"Is it like a guy's night?"_ He asks, stumbling a little over his English. Joshua's brow furrows like he's not sure what Soonyoung is saying so Soonyoung repeats himself louder in Korean. The confused wrinkle fades off of Joshua's face and he laughs, shaking his head.

"It's a gay club, Soonyoungie," he says, his voice warm and amused. Soonyoung can feel the flush in his face, part alcohol and part embarrassment, looking at all the people around him with that in mind.

"Oh," he says and even though it's probably too quiet for Joshua to hear, he pats Soonyoung's shoulder with a smile.

"Is that okay?" He asks and the question makes Soonyoung blush even more. He hadn't really thought to bring anything like this up with Joshua, but from the time they started rooming together Joshua hasn't exactly been secretive— he talks about guys he had crushes on in the past and his keys hang off a rainbow lanyard.

It makes Soonyoung feel silly, more than anything, that he didn't put the pieces together himself nearly as well as Joshua did.

"Yeah, that's cool," he says, once his tongue no longer feels like lead in his mouth.

It's easier to relax after that and Soonyoung dances with one or two guys who are hot but don't really seem to understand a word he says. Being tipsy definitely makes his English much worse and Korean words tend to slip into the middle of his sentences. He can see Joshua still dancing when he stumbles away from the dance floor and rather than go bother him, Soonyoung finishes his latest drink in two quick swallows and then follows the first stupid impulse that jumps into his head.

Finding a good place to make a phone call turns out to be harder than he expects— it's too loud in the bathrooms still and he ends up outside in a small courtyard full of people talking quietly and smoking. There's definitely a couple in the far corner fully attached at the mouth but Soonyoung ignores it and digs his phone out of the pocket of his too tight jeans.

As late as it is in LA, it's still evening in Seoul and it only takes a few rings for Seokmin to pick up his phone.

"Soonyoung-hyung?" He says, sounding happy and breathless and making Soonyoung's stomach turn over on itself.

He hasn't talked to Seokmin enough in these last weeks to have truly realized how much he missed the sound of his voice.

"Are you busy right now?" He asks. He can feel the slight slur of his words out of his mouth and every time the heavy steel door a few feet away opens he can hear loud music still pouring out of the club. He hasn't thought much about being lonely or missing home; Joshua has made the transition a little easier but mostly Soonyoung has just put all of those feelings to the back of his mind and ignored them.

"No, I'm not busy. Isn't it late there?" Seokmin asks and Soonyoung has to take a rapid burst of deep breaths to swallow the sudden urge to cry.

"Kinda. I went out with a friend," Soonyoung says, looking down and picking at one of the exposed threads on his ripped pants. There's a physical ache in his chest, like he's only just now realizing the empty space there. "But we haven't talked for awhile."

He's not sure if he can really hear the uneven catch of Seokmin's breath or if it's just drunken wishful thinking.

"Yeah, I know," Seokmin says, his voice a little softer. Soonyoung doesn't even know what to ask; he's been doing his best to keep up with what all of his friends have been doing but it's different with Seokmin. Soonyoung hasn't called him for the fear that he would lose his nerve and hop on the next plane back to Korea. When Seungkwan sent him a clip of Seokmin's musical audition the other day he saved it to his phone without actually watching it, too aware that it would just make him want to crawl inside the memory of Seokmin's voice and hide for the next few months.

"Seungkwannie said you got the lead part," Soonyoung says after a moment, swallowing the lump building in his throat and doing his best to smile. He doesn't have the option to hide, not really, and avoiding talking to Seokmin is only going to sharpen the pain of missing him even further. "I knew you'd do great, sorry I couldn't cheer you on."

“It’s okay,” Seokmin says, laughing softly. Soonyoung can hear the slight squeak of his bed as Seokmin sits and he suddenly wishes he’d thought to video call him instead. “Are you having fun?”

“Most of the time,” Soonyoung says, finding that his smile gets more real as his listens to Seokmin talk. “I got taken to a gay club tonight.”

“Really?” Seokmin says and even though Seokmin can’t see it Soonyoung finds himself nodding his head. It feels like something missing from the middle of his chest has finally been put back into place— a piece of himself that he didn’t even realize he’s left behind with Seokmin.

“Is it cool?” Seokmin asks like Soonyoung is in a totally different world.

In some ways he probably is. “It’s okay— none of the guys can understand my English.”

“Is it still that bad?” Seokmin asks and this time when he laughs Soonyoung can’t help but join him.

“It’s gotten a lot better!” He says, whining and puffing his cheeks out in a pout. “But it’s loud and I’ve been drinking so I guess that makes my accent worse.”

“You have an accent?” Seokmin says and Soonyoung rolls his eyes.

“That’s what people tell me,” he says. “Either they can’t understand me or they act like I’m a kid.”

“Doesn’t make it easy to hit on guys I guess,” Seokmin says and it makes something twist in a funny way in the center of Soonyoung’s chest.

“I wasn’t doing much of that,” he says, more softly than he means to. There’s a long pause on the other end, probably Seokmin trying to make out what he said over the music.

“Oh,” Seokmin says after a moment, sounding a little distant. “You know—”

Whatever Seokmin is saying gets lost in the burst of music when the door opens and Joshua steps out of the club.

“Min-ah? I gotta go,” he says, shooting Joshua a quick smile.

“Yeah, okay— talk to you later, hyung,” Seokmin says just before Soonyoung hangs up his phone.

“Everything okay?” Joshua asks, laying a hand softly on Soonyoung’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says, quick to put a smile on his face. It isn’t really forced; he does feel surprisingly better just for having talked to Seokmin. “I just wanted to talk to my friend for a bit.”

Joshua nods his head, taking a spot against the fence next to Soonyoung rather than trying to shepherd him back inside.

“You know you could have told me you’ve got a boyfriend,” Joshua says after a moment. He has a peaceful smile on his face but Soonyoung still chokes on his next breath when he realizes what he’s saying.

“Wait— Seokmin? No, no. We’re not dating,” Soonyoung says, taking a step back and holding his hands in front of his chest like he can somehow shove Joshua’s words away from him. “We’re… not dating.”

Joshua blinks at him and Soonyoung realizes immediately that he’s working far too hard to deny this. He isn’t even really sure that he and Seokmin weren’t dating before, though he has no idea how to explain what they are now.

“Okay,” Joshua says slowly, drawing the word out over several extra syllables. “So you’re _not_ dating Seokmin.”

“No,” Soonyoung says, more softly this time. “We’re not together.”

“Do you want to be?” Joshua asks, leaning his head slightly to the side as he asks the question. Whatever Soonyoung was planning to say gets caught up in his throat and he finds himself staring at the sparse grass under his feet for a long moment.

“I don’t know,” Soonyoung says finally, shaking his head and forcing out a single bark of laughter. “It’s not really that simple, I guess.”

Joshua purses his lips a little like he still doesn't quite believe what Soonyoung is saying, or maybe he just wants the complicated reasons that Soonyoung can't just date Seokmin laid out.

"Wanna buy me another drink?" Soonyoung asks, sticking his lower lip out in a pout, hoping to distract Joshua from pressing him for any more answers. It seems to work because Joshua rolls his eyes and laughs, turning back toward the door with a smile on his face.

As easy and friendly as Joshua is for the rest of the evening, Soonyoung has the feeling he hasn't quite escaped from having to explain things between him and Seokmin, at least not in the long run. He makes sure Soonyoung is tucked into bed with a bottle of water when they get home and Soonyoung has no idea how Joshua isn't just as much a mess as he is. They had the same amount to drink, probably. (After a certain point Soonyoung wasn't really paying much attention to what Joshua was drinking anymore.)

"Hey, hyung?" Soonyoung says, his words all starting to mesh into one. "D'you think I should've asked him out?"

It takes a moment for Joshua to answer and Soonyoung wonders if he's already asleep.

"Who? Your friend Seokmin?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung says, letting the word out with a long sigh. "I thought about it a lot but it seemed mean."

"Mean?" Joshua repeats and Soonyoung can hear the sound of his sheets rustling as he shifts, sitting up to look over at the other bed.

"Because I left," Soonyoung says, a frown on his face.

Joshua looks at him for a moment before he yawns, his eyes squinting shut. "I dunno, Soonyoungie. Maybe."

Soonyoung hums and burrows further into his sheets, hoping it'll be a long time before his alarm wakes him up in the morning.

**{* * *}**

“You look deep in thought,” Jeonghan hums, his chin leaning on the back of Seokmin’s shoulder. Seokmin jumps a little, laughing when he turns to look toward Jeonghan.

He wasn’t really, but he was staring at the screen of his phone like he was trying to puzzle out all of its great secrets.

“Yeah, I guess,” he says, leaning his shoulder back toward Jeonghan to give him a better place to rest his chin. Jeonghan hums, combing his long bangs back behind his ear.

There’s a buzz of activity all around them, with different people running lines, instruments banging and being tuned. Seokmin found the most out of the way corner he could, sitting with his jacket balled up behind his back to make it a little more comfortable.

For the past few weeks of rehearsals Seokmin has been spending more of his time with Jeonghan than he expected. At first it seemed like a matter of proximity; both of their roles and because of Seungkwan. Jeonghan, in spite of his sharp looks and bright personality seems to be rather shy around new people.

It isn’t that Seokmin doesn’t enjoy his time with Jeonghan— he’s funny and interesting and even when he teases Seokmin there’s still a sweetness to it. But in spite of his closes friendships with Soonyoung and Minghao, pretty people make Seokmin feel stupid and tongue-tied, so he expected talking to Jeonghan to feel like an impossible task.

But Jeonghan is easy to talk to and when he hooks a casual arm around Seokmin’s shoulders, Seokmin leans into it.

“I was just checking my messages,” Seokmin says, tilting his head to the side to look back at Jeonghan. Jeonghan’s smile stretches a little wider, poking at Seokmin’s shoulder.

“What’s with your background?” He asks and Seokmin looks down at his phone, realizing he left it open. Embarrassingly, it’s a picture that Soonyoung sent him before he left. He’s a little sweaty, his hair pushed back from his face and his fingers still caught in the dark strands, wearing a dark shirt with no sleeves. He’d sent it after his dance practice with Jun one day and Seokmin couldn’t get the picture out of his head.

“Ah, it’s just Soonyoung-hyung,” Seokmin says, hoping against all the odds that the tips of his ears don’t go red and give him away. “I put that there since he’s abroad.”

He actually put that picture as his background well before Soonyoung left but no one but Mingyu ever noticed it so he figures it’s harmless. Besides, he already feels pathetic for how much time he spends missing Soonyoung and he doesn’t need to make it worse.

“Oh, yeah,” Jeonghan says, grabbing Seokmin’s wrist and pulling his hand closer to Jeonghan’s face to study the picture more closely. “I’ve met him. He’s studying abroad?”

“He’s doing a dance program in LA,” Seokmin says, laughing when Jeonghan finally lets go of his arm. He’s still attached to Seokmin’s back, his knees on either side of Seokmin’s hips and one arm draped along his chest.

“You’re dating him?” Jeonghan asks and as much as he can see where the confusion comes from he can’t stop the way his shoulders go tight. Draped over Seokmin’s back like he is, the sudden tension is obvious to Jeonghan who detaches himself with a laugh, slapping Seokmin’s shoulder. “It’s fine if you are.”

“No, I’m not,” Seokmin says, wishing he was doing a better job of sounding like that doesn’t bother him in the least— he fails totally and Jeonghan’s smile shrinks right off of his face.

“Sorry,” he says, though there’s still a little bit of laughter in his voice. “I didn’t realize it was sensitive.”

“It’s not,” he says, shaking his head and leaning so his temple is resting against Jeonghan’s cheek, smiling himself. “We’re just not dating.”

Jeonghan nods, lifting his hand away from Seokmin’s shoulder to tuck his bangs behind his ear once more, fingers dragging over the length of the ponytail tied neatly at the back of his head. Even though usually Seokmin doesn’t have much of a problem talking with Jeonghan, moments like this are just a reminder of how good looking he really is. It makes Seokmin’s mouth go dry and for a minute he forgets what he meant to say about Soonyoung at all.

One of the stage assistants drifts by and tells Jeonghan that his scene is up next.

“His loss,” Jeonghan says, finally detaching himself from Seokmin’s back. Seokmin finds himself missing the contact already, turning to watch as Jeonghan pushes himself up to his feet. He doesn’t know exactly how to respond to a comment like that so he just laughs.

Jeonghan grins, ruffling Seokmin’s hair before drifting off to his mark on the stage. Seokmin curls one of his arms around his legs, glancing at his phone once more.

It’s not really a surprise when Seungkwan drops to sit next to him, plucking Seokmin’s phone out of his lap and unlocking it (because Seokmin has never changed his passcode and Seungkwan never forgets anything) and looks at his background with a little huff and a roll of his eyes.

“You need a less pervy picture,” he says, handing it back when Seokmin reaches for it. Seokmin rolls his eyes, bumping his shoulder against Seungkwan’s.

“It’s fine,” he says, looking down at his phone when it vibrates in his hand. He can hear the melody of Jeonghan’s solo piece start but his attention gets pulled away by the message on his phone.

It’s from Mingyu, not from Soonyoung and the disappointment must show on his face because next to him Seungkwan heaves another sigh. He nudges his elbow into Seokmin’s side, glaring at the side of his face.

“What?” He says, laying his phone on his thigh with a little wrinkle of his nose.

“It’s Jeonghan-hyung’s part,” Seungkwan says, his voice dropping to the hiss of a whisper when Jeonghan starts singing. Seokmin purses his lips, giving Seungkwan an unimpressed look. He’s heard Jeonghan practicing his part day after day trying to get it right, it’s not as if listening to it for the first time.

“I know,” he says, tracing his finger around the edge of his phone, leaning his head against his own shoulder. “I’ve heard him before.”

Seungkwan looks at him with his lower lip stuck out in a pout, leaning back like he’s put out by something Seokmin said. Seokmin can’t help but roll his eyes, flipping his phone over to glance at his messages once again even though he knows there aren’t any new ones.

He doesn’t miss the twitch of a frown on Seungkwan’s face and he lifts his head to watch Jeonghan sing instead. He’s got a beautiful voice and there’s a furrow in his brow to match the slow, sad tone of the song.

“He’s really good,” Seungkwan says, leaning closer to Seokmin to whisper as the final verse of the song starts. Jeonghan has one hand gently pressed to his chest and since it’s just for the rehearsal he doesn’t have a microphone on, but his voice still echoes around the room.

Seokmin smiles, leaning back on one of his hands and nodding his head along with the music. “Yeah, he is.”

**{* * *}**

At the beginning of his trip, the ability to keep up with what Seokmin and his other friends in Seoul on social media was the only thing that kept Soonyoung from totally losing it, especially when he would get lonely.

Now, it’s the thing that’s starting to drive him up a wall. Mostly because apparently being the leading man in the department’s musical has made Seokmin popular in a way that Soonyoung isn’t used to. Or, popular with one particular person that Soonyoung isn’t used to seeing.

He knows Yoon Jeonghan— or knows of him, at least, but outside of seeing him occasionally at parties and listening to Mingyu’s long-winded stories of how the two of them almost killed each other over one particular project, he’s never had that much contact with Jeonghan. The only person he knows who really was friends with him is Seungkwan and it seems like he took it upon himself to introduce him to Seokmin because for weeks every single update Soonyoung has seen from him relates back to Jeonghan in some way.

There’s no reason for this to bother Soonyoung the way it does. It isn’t like Seokmin is a hard person to get along with and he has no shortage of friends, it only makes sense that the whole musical cast will love him. But looking at pictures of the two of them mid-rehearsal, Jeonghan’s arm looped around Seokmin’s neck to pull him in the frame, makes Soonyoung’s stomach hurt.

He doesn’t realize what kind of face he’s making at his phone until Joshua tosses an eraser at him from his desk, smiling when it bounces off of Soonyoung’s head and lands on the floor. Soonyoung looks up and Joshua leans his head to the side, a grin still on his face.

“Is someone threatening you?” He asks and it takes Soonyoung a moment to answer, mostly because of Joshua’s slightly awkward Korean. The both of them are getting better in their respective new languages but for the most part they wind up talking in a mix that would probably sound insane to anyone else.

“No,” Soonyoung answers after a moment, wrinkling his nose and scrolling past the offending picture. “I was just catching up on twitter.”

“You look annoyed,” Joshua says, leaning his arm over the back of his chair. Soonyoung opens his mouth to respond because he is a little annoyed, but bringing this up will no doubt just make Joshua think he has some kind of relationship with Seokmin that he’s trying to keep a big secret.

Besides, how does he begin to explain that he’s annoyed that someone else is Seokmin’s friend? It sounds childish even trying to justify it to himself, let alone explain to anybody else. Joshua drags himself away from the paper he’s working on to take up space on Soonyoung’s bed.

Soonyoung means to just keep scrolling except there’s yet _another_ update of Seokmin and Jeonghan, this time a video clip of Jeonghan holding up his phone and waving Seokmin over like he’s planning on taking a photo of them before planting a delicate kiss on Seokmin’s cheek instead.

He can see the way Seokmin’s shoulders go rigid with surprise, the bright red flush at the tips of his ears that always works down the back of his neck. Joshua laughs and this time Soonyoung is at least aware of the fact that he’s scowling at his phone.

“That’s cute,” he says, glancing over at Soonyoung when the video starts playing once again. Soonyoung huffs, scrolling past it with a little shake of his head and Joshua lifts one eyebrow curiously. “Or not.”

“It is cute,” Soonyoung says, even though he has to grit the words out between his teeth. It doesn’t help whatever stupid feeling is caught up in the middle of his chest that Yoon Jeonghan is definitely one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met. He remembers how Seokmin used to get shy around Minghao when they were first introduced and he said it was because he didn’t know how to talk to someone who looks like Minghao does. Apparently that same feeling doesn’t apply to Jeonghan since he’s managed to become Seokmin’s new best friend.

Joshua hums like he doesn’t believe what Soonyoung is saying, patting the back of Soonyoung’s shoulder. “You should just talk to him.”

“About what?” Soonyoung says even though it’s hard to ignore what Joshua is saying. He doesn’t miss the roll of Joshua’s eyes, dragging his finger down the screen to pull the video back up on the screen.

“About this,” he says, shaking his head with a small sigh. “Or any of it.”

Soonyoung groans, pushing his fingers back through his hair. Joshua isn’t wrong, of course, but Soonyoung has no idea how to even begin to tackle the subject. He hasn’t had any idea how to talk to Seokmin at all lately. Joshua pats his shoulder again, wiggling off the bed with a little smile still on his face.

Soonyoung shoots a little glare at Joshua’s back when he sits down at the desk once again before looking back at his phone. He’s reluctant to admit that Joshua is right, at least out loud, even though he obviously is. Still, he pulls open his neglected messages with Seokmin and frowns at the screen.

This has become familiar over the last few weeks. He’ll stare at the screen until his eyes hurt, trying to think of the right thing to say. Today, it seems, isn’t any different.

 **(10:10):** _how’s the musical going?_

 **(Seokgu):** _it’s been fun! I don’t like who they picked for the lead_

Soonyoung laughs a little, shaking his head at the message.

 **(Seokgu):** _you can ignore that_

 **(10:10):** _I bet you’re doing great at it_

 **(Seokgu):** _I’m okay_

This isn’t the first time that Soonyoung has craved a way to return their relationship to normal, whatever normal is for them anymore. Missing Seokmin is something that sneaks up on him, he might go a few days without thinking about it only to be crushed once again under the weight of just how badly he wants to tell Seokmin a joke or just see a smile on his face.

He just can’t figure out how to get there, how to undo whatever it is that’s strained their relationship like this. Joshua isn’t _wrong_ in saying that Soonyoung should talk to Seokmin about things, but that’s never been his strong suit, especially when it comes to Seokmin, it seems.

That doesn’t change the fact that every struggling, stilted conversation he and Seokmin have makes Soonyoung feel like a little more of their friendship is slipping out of his grasp. And now Seokmin has Jeonghan who probably is going to replace Soonyoung as Seokmin’s best friend and when Soonyoung gets back to Korea Seokmin won’t even remember who he is.

Soonyoung is distracted from his doom-saying train of thought by his phone vibrating in his hand once again, this time with a phone call. He sits upright so fast he nearly hits his forehead against his knee, narrowly avoiding giving himself a concussion. He glances at Joshua’s back before rolling off his bed and walking out into the hallway to answer his phone instead.

He doesn’t need any more significant glances thrown at him tonight.

“Hey,” he says, aware he probably sounds weirdly out of breath when he answers the video request.

“I just got out of my class,” Seokmin says and Soonyoung makes his way to the staircase at the end of their hall to sit on one of the cold steps, a dozen feet away from his actual room. “You’re not busy, are you hyung?”

“Nah,” Soonyoung says, licking his lips. He sounds lame, but he’s caught up by just how much he missed hearing Seokmin’s voice. Seokmin has his earbuds in and the hood of his jacket is tugged up meaning that there’s a shadow over some of his face, but Soonyoung can still see the crescent curves of his eyes and his commercial perfect smile.

In his whole life, Soonyoung has definitely never missed another person this much.

“I was just studying with my roommate,” he says, leaning his head back against the wall. The staircase isn’t exactly the most attractive background in the world, but at least it’s not scrawled with obscene English phrases like the stalls of the bathroom.

Seokmin nods his head, apparently almost bumping into someone because of his intense focus on his phone.

“It’s raining here,” Seokmin says, his nose wrinkling just a little. Soonyoung wants to reach through the screen and run his thumb over the angle of his cheekbones, the sharp line of his jaw.

“Do you have rehearsal later?” Soonyoung asks, bringing his knees closer to his chest and resting his hands on them, holding the phone at an angle that makes him look at least decent. His hair is ruffled from running his fingers through it while he was studying and he didn’t shower after his last dance class of the day so his bangs are a little stringy from being stuck together with sweat before.

“Not tonight,” Seokmin says and Soonyoung can see the familiar doorway of Seokmin’s building as he goes through it. “Seungkwannie and some other people want to go to a party.”

By _some other people_ Soonyoung assumes Seokmin means Jeonghan, but he can’t quite bring himself to ask.

“Are you going?” He asks, tapping his fingers on the side of his leg. It’s not like he has a place to complain, seeing as just last weekend he let Joshua take him out to a gay club.

“I dunno,” Seokmin says. Soonyoung can hear his bag thump to the ground before he pulls his hood off and stretches out on his bed.

Everything around him is so familiar that a lump rises up suddenly in Soonyoung’s throat. He can see himself in the smaller window of his phone, in sweat pants and a loose shirt, looking curled up and small against the bare white wall behind him.

Somewhere along the line, missing _home_ and missing _Seokmin_ have become the same thing.

“I started working on the routine for my dance performance,” Soonyoung says, swallowing hard to banish the lump in his throat, forcing his words out around it. He wishes he’d thought to bring his notebook out into the hall with him because Seokmin is the only person who’s really ever been able to understand his sketches. He sent a picture of it to Wonwoo along with a clip of the music he selected a few days ago even though it doesn’t really represent anything to Wonwoo.

Seokmin grins, laying on his stomach with his phone propped against his pillow. “Are you using a SHINee song?”

“No!” Soonyoung says, puffing his cheeks out in a pout. He lets the air out after a moment, looking down at with his lap with a laugh. “It’s one of Taemin’s.”

Seokmin laughs, leaning his head to the side. It makes the phone bounce slightly and blurs the image but Soonyoung doesn’t mind it. It makes it feel more like he’s there, not just listening to the echoes of Seokmin’s laugh from the other side of the world.

“Which one?” He asks once he’s finished laughing at Soonyoung. Soonyoung pouts at the camera of his phone but it’s more for show than anything and from the way Seokmin’s eyes curve into a smile, he obviously knows it too.

“Heart stop,” Soonyoung says, mumbling the title out and sinking further against the wall behind him. Seokmin nods, his fingers combing back through his hair, ruffling it. Soonyoung watches with the hand in his lap curled into a fist like he can somehow banish the still lingering desire to reach out and touch.

“Oh, the duet?” Seokmin asks, humming in the back of his throat when Soonyoung nods. “Is it just you?”

“Yeah, everyone is putting together a solo,” Soonyoung says, curling his knees closer to his chest when someone walks up the stairs in front of him, only sparing him one quick glance.

He’s not as worried about talking to Seokmin out here because no one else would understand what he’s saying.

“I wanna see yours,” Seokmin says, sitting up quickly and almost knocking his phone off the bed. He catches it at the last moment, his smile a little smaller when he finally comes back into the frame.

“I can see if Joshua-hyung will shoot it,” Soonyoung says, leaning his cheek on his shoulder. “It’ll probably be really in the morning for you.”

“I don’t mind,” Seokmin says, lifting his shoulders in a little shrug. His mouth is shy at the corners and he pauses a moment before he continues. “I miss watching your dance stuff.”

This is the closest either of them have really come to acknowledging the endless stretch of blue ocean separating them. As easy as it was to admit that he _would_ miss Seokmin before he left, since then he hasn’t been able to put that feeling into words.

“I’ll ask Joshua-hyung about it,” Soonyoung says, leaning his head back against the wall.

There are so many things, too many things, that he should be saying to Seokmin but he can’t connect them together in his head. Still, he feels lighter than he has in awhile and he can’t keep the smile off of his face.

“Do you have to get back to studying?” Seokmin asks and Soonyoung is reluctant to nod his head even though he should.

“I’ll talk to you again soon,” Soonyoung says, even though he hasn’t been good at keeping up with that lately. Seokmin grins and even if it makes guilt twist around in Soonyoung’s stomach, Seokmin doesn’t call him out on being a shitty friend lately.

“Okay, hyung,” he says, his voice as cheerful as ever. Soonyoung hesitates, trying to force anything meaningful to come out of his mouth; to tell Seokmin that he’s sorry for being lame, or that he misses him.

Seokmin hangs up before Soonyoung even opens his mouth.

Soonyoung hangs his head with a sigh, locking the screen of his phone. It’s comforting that Seokmin isn’t mad at him but he’s never really known Seokmin to be mad at anyone. He pushes himself back to his feet with a little frown still on his face, sliding his phone into his pocket.

All he can do is be better in the future.

**{* * *}**

Seokmin is pretty sure it's way too early in the morning for Soonyoung to be video calling him. When he answers the call, Soonyoung's face is bathed in blue light from the screen of his laptop and there are dark circles under his eyes, confirming Seokmin's suspicions. Soonyoung doesn't do very well with the early hours of the morning.

"Hyung, shouldn't you be in bed?" He asks and Soonyoung immediately sticks his lower lip out in a pout. He looks like he might have been sleeping already, with the sheets tousled around him and a loose shirt hanging off of his shoulder. The light makes his skin looks more pale than normal but Seokmin can see the slight tan line on his shoulder that's developed in the California sun.

Soonyoung nods, though he isn't done pouting at Seokmin, laying his chin on the backs of his hands.

"I can't sleep," he says, pausing to yawn before continuing. "You're not busy, right? What time is it?"

“Like, almost seven,” Seokmin says, glancing down at the screen of his phone. “Mingyu’s working so I don’t have anything to do.”

Soonyoung nods his head again, ruffling his fingers through his hair before sighing. “Joshua-hyung went home for the weekend so I’m all by myself.”

“Is it still sunny all the time?” Seokmin asks, trying to shift into a more comfortable position on the bed. Soonyoung still has his sheet half curled around his body and Seokmin is sort of tempted to take a screen shot because he’s missed the sight of Soonyoung all soft and sleepy more than he realized. Soonyoung laughs, rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Pretty much,” he says, wiggling out of his sheets to stretch his arms over his head with a groan.

As much as he doesn’t mean to, Seokmin can’t stop his eyes from dropping from Soonyoung’s face to the suddenly exposed skin of his stomach. It isn’t a surprise to find that Soonyoung isn’t wearing pants, he was in bed already, but it doesn’t stop Seokmin from spending a long moment staring at the pale skin of his thighs where his boxers have ridden up a little.

“Minnie,” Soonyoung says, snapping Seokmin out of his creepy staring, giggling when Seokmin re-focuses on his face.

“Sorry,” he says, his face flushing when he realizes he’s caught. It’s silly, maybe, since he’s slept with Soonyoung before, but even then Seokmin would have been embarrassed if he got caught checking out Soonyoung’s thighs.

Soonyoung, true to form, doesn’t seem bothered in the least. He grins at the screen rather than trying to fix his clothes and while Seokmin isn’t sure if the light is good enough that Soonyoung can see the way his cheeks are bright red, it seems like he knows either way. Soonyoung’s tongue darts out to wet his lower lip, a quick pink flash on the screen and Seokmin’s throat goes dry.

“Mingyu’s at work?” Soonyoung says, his lips curling up further when Seokmin nods his head. One of his hands drops to his thigh and Seokmin’s eyes follow the motion before he can stop them.

“Yeah,” he says after a moment, nodding his head dumbly. “He said his shift was until like, 10 or something.”

Seokmin forces his eyes back to Soonyoung’s face once again only to find him leaning close to the camera and grinning deviously. He’s all too familiar with that expression and his stomach twists with a stab of nervous anticipation. Soonyoung doesn't usually make that face with pure intentions but Seokmin isn't sure how he's supposed to conduct himself in situations like this.

It's one thing to hook up with Soonyoung, it's another to try and do it with an entire ocean between them. Seokmin isn't smooth even in person and he's prepared to fail badly at trying to be sexy on camera for Soonyoung. Soonyoung seems to be wrestling with the same thing, his lower lip caught between his teeth for a moment, looking like he's more focused on his own image rather than Seokmin.

"Do you want to…?" Soonyoung asks, trailing off at the end but lifting his eyebrows suspiciously. Seokmin wants to ask what he should be doing, but he doesn't want to make things weird so he just nods his head. Soonyoung nods as well, backing up from the camera slightly so Seokmin can see his body once again, his head ducked a little to keep it within the frame of the camera.

Seokmin swallows, not sure what he should be doing himself, his hands lingering awkwardly in his lap. Soonyoung doesn't seem bothered by taking the lead, sitting on his knees with his legs slightly parted, the underwear he's wearing tight around his thighs. For a second his hands flit around uncertainly, resting on his thighs, plucking at the hem of his shirt, pinching the sheets next to his leg before he makes up his mind and grabs the hem of his shirt to yank it off.

He goes too quickly and gets his head stuck for a moment in the neck hole and Seokmin does his best not to laugh. The quality of Soonyoung's camera isn't amazing and the room is dark around him but he can still see the raised pink buds of Soonyoung's nipples and that pulls his attention away from the urge to laugh. Soonyoung manages to free himself of his shirt, dropping somewhere in the darkness and ruffling his fingers through his hair to try and fix it. There's a shy smile on his face and Seokmin leans in closer to his camera.

"You're starting to get abs," he says and Soonyoung tilts his head back with a laugh. He runs his fingers up the flat of his belly and Seokmin's eyes end up glued to the movement, watching Soonyoung stroke his hand upward but stop short of touching his chest, his hand hovering uncertainly in place. The smaller window showing his own face only serves as a reminder to Seokmin how red he is but he clears his throat and does his best to drop the tone of his voice a little, hoping it makes him sound sexier.

"Go ahead, hyung," he says, more softly than he intends. It's still loud enough for Soonyoung to hear him apparently, because his eyes dart to the screen and then away again. Seokmin can't hear the breath he lets out but he can see the shiver of Soonyoung's chest under his hand, fingers sliding up to rub tentatively around one of his nipples.

Seokmin's stomach feels tight and he has a hard time pulling his eyes away from Soonyoung's body. Soonyoung has one lip pushed out a little, his chin tilted toward his chest as he tugs at one of his nipples, whining quietly.

"It's not fair if I'm the only one doing it," Soonyoung says after another moment of Seokmin's dumbfounded staring. Seokmin smiles, tugging his shirt off over his head with only marginally more success than Soonyoung. He wiggles back on the bed a little since all Soonyoung can see is his head and his now bared shoulders, trying to fit more of himself into the frame. 

Soonyoung still has a little pout on his face but it's more relaxed now, the corners of his lips creeping up into a smile. "I'm still wearing more clothes than you are."

Seokmin hangs his head for a moment, laughing before lifting himself up on his knees and pulling the button of his jeans open. It isn’t until Soonyoung wolf whistles at the sight that Seokmin realizes that the only thing on the screen is the bottom half of his stomach down to his knees digging into the bed. It hides the flush on his face at least, shimmying them off of his legs and settling back into place.

When Seokmin’s face is within the frame again Soonyoung is grinning at him, leaning in closer to the screen, the bright light of it making his face paler than usual.

“I should’ve gotten pictures of your thighs before I left,” Soonyoung says, leaning his cheek on one of his hands, sounding genuinely sad about it. Seokmin laughs even though he’s embarrassed by the idea. He’s never really sent any kind of lewd picture of himself to someone— if he’s honest about it, he’s never really thought about it before. Soonyoung missing his _body_ is a strange, novel concept to Seokmin.

He’s suddenly much more nervous about this call. He doesn’t really have any idea how to show off or to actually be sexy and knowing that Soonyoung has thought about him, maybe thought about something like this already, means that Seokmin runs the risk of disappointing him.

“Hey, Min-ah?” Soonyoung says, his tongue resting on his lower lip when Seokmin does his best to shake all of his stupid insecurities away and focus. “Can you sit back a little bit further?”

Seokmin twists to look over his shoulder, making sure that he won’t end up falling off the bed when he does before wiggling back a little further. He ends up kneeling on the bed with his feet dangling off the end, his knees pushed apart and his thighs resting on top of his calves. The screen is further away but he can still see the white curve of Soonyoung’s smile.

He wets his lips nervously, glancing at the screen before looking down at his own legs, dragging both hands up the insides of his thighs and squeezing them firmly, the tips of his fingers denting his flesh under his fingers. For a second he’s not sure if Soonyoung can even see very well, but he can hear the scraping sound of Soonyoung shuffling around and when he hazards another glance at the screen Soonyoung is leaning in close again, the light carving a slim path down his chest. Feeling a little encouraged Seokmin slides his palms up further until they’re both resting just shy of actually touching his dick, rubbing nervous circles into his skin.

It would be easier maybe if he could just shut his eyes and convince himself that he was alone but he can hear Soonyoung’s breathing and it would be a waste not to take in the sight of Soonyoung as well. Seokmin hesitates before sliding his palm over the half-hard swell of his cock, letting his hips arch up toward his hand.

“You look so good,” Soonyoung says and Seokmin expects him to laugh but his voice is pitched low and soft and it makes Seokmin’s shoulders curl inward a little, the approval making something warm and unfamiliar bubble in the pit of his stomach. The muscles in his thighs twitch from holding himself at the awkward angle but even through the screen of his laptop Seokmin can feel Soonyoung’s eyes on him like a physical weight.

A little whining sound makes its way out of Seokmin’s throat, pressing his palm harder into his cock. This time, with Soonyoung sitting as close as he is, Seokmin can hear his breath come out in one sharp gasp and even though he can’t see much because of how close Soonyoung is to the screen but he can see the shift of his shoulder presumably from his hand teasing over his cock the same way. Soonyoung's lips are parted, the sharp light from the screen making his eyelashes seem even darker than usual.

He's beautiful and for a moment Seokmin forgets how to breathe. His fingers squeeze around his thigh again, dragging his nails up and down the bare skin of it in an effort to distract himself from just exactly how gone over Soonyoung he is.

"Oh fuck," Soonyoung mumbles and any other time Seokmin wouldn't assume it was directed at him, but now it just fills him with a little bit more foolish confidence. He pulls his hand away from his dick, hooking his thumb in the elastic waist of his briefs instead to tug them down below the crown of his cock. He doesn't really mean for the gesture to be teasing, even when his fingers linger, spreading the clear bead of precome over the head of his cock before pulling them down his thighs, leaving it slick and shiny enough to reflect just a bit of light on the camera.

Soonyoung's reaction is more than Seokmin is expecting, his jaw dropped slightly open, letting out a whimper. Soonyoung leans back from the screen suddenly, twisting his body a little to shimmy his underwear off with much more haste and confidence than Seokmin could ever muster. Soonyoung settles into place once again, and this time Seokmin has a view down his chest though he can't quite see Soonyoung's hand working over his cock save for the movement of his arm.

Seokmin pulls his underwear the rest of the way off, letting it hang just below one of his knees, his hand curling around his thigh again. His nails bite small crescents into his skin and he can't help the way he curls in on himself like he's somehow trying to hide from Soonyoung being able to see him.

"Minnie," Soonyoung says, his voice light and teasing still. "C'mon. I wanna see you."

Listening to Soonyoung talk, the soft encouragement of his voice, makes Seokmin uncurl his body, sitting up straight and scraping his nails up and down his thigh. Soonyoung pauses, licking his lips, a thoughtful furrow in his brow for just a second before it smooths out again.

"You look really hot like this," he says and where Seokmin expects a teasing little grin to be there on Soonyoung's face he doesn't find one. Soonyoung is staring at him with an intensity that's not unfamiliar but never fails to make Seokmin's whole body prickle with heat. He swallows, wrapping his fingers around his cock loosely, his hips jolting up into the slight touch of his hand before he can stop himself. 

"There you go." Soonyoung is practically purring at him and Seokmin keeps his hand loose and slow when he strokes himself so he doesn't come embarrassingly fast. He's not sure he's ever going to have the courage to do this again if he screws it up. It helps that Soonyoung keeps talking to him, makes it feel less weird and uncomfortable at least, but all the praise Soonyoung keeps heaping on him makes his stomach twist in excited, uncertain ways. He doesn't really want to say anything about it and he certainly doesn't want to have to ask Soonyoung to keep going, but he seems to have it figured out anyway.

Seokmin has to remind himself not to try and bite back his groan when his thumb presses into the slit of his cock, his back arching. Soonyoung makes an approving noise low in his throat and Seokmin's hand grips tighter around his cock without a thought. He thrusts up into his hand, teeth catching the corner of his lip when Soonyoung twists for a moment to grab one of the pillows from the other side of the bed. Seokmin is about to ask what for when Soonyoung stuffs it between his legs, his thighs squeezing tight around it.

"I need something to replace your thighs," Soonyoung says, lifting his eyebrows playfully. Seokmin manages a short, choked laugh before Soonyoung rolls his hips forward, the muscles of his stomach flexing with the movement. Soonyoung has one hand gripping the end of the pillow to hold it in place, the other roaming up his chest once again. He looks a million times better jerking himself off than Seokmin ever could but he's happy to at least be treated to the sight of it. He does his best to match the pace of his hand to the slow rolls of Soonyoung's hips, his breath coming in and out in shallow pants. Seokmin groans louder than he means to, his eyes glued to Soonyoung on the screen.

"You're doing so good for me," Soonyoung says, his voice a little choppy around the heavy puffs of his breath. Seokmin whines, surprised by the sparks that leap up his spine, twisting his wrist when he strokes over himself. Soonyoung's chin is pressed against his collarbone, bangs hanging into his eyes as he saws his hips back and forth more quickly.

If Seokmin had anything intelligent to say, this would probably be the moment, but everything has already left his head. Instead it's replaced by the heat making all the muscles in his body tense for a moment before it boils over. Seokmin turns his head, taking his eyes off of Soonyoung for the first time, biting down on his own shoulder hard enough he'll probably still have a mark there in the morning, muffling the loud sound he tries to make when he comes. His hand keeps moving, streaks of come sticking to his fist and making the slide of his fingers over his cock that much wetter and easier.

Through the crashing of his own blood in his ears, Seokmin can hear Soonyoung whimper as well, grinding his hips back and forth with the pillow still trapped between his thighs, lips parting when he tips over the edge. The white fabric of the pillowcase goes dark where Soonyoung's come smears over it and after a moment Soonyoung slumps on his back, laughing while he struggles to catch his breath.

Seokmin can't help but join him in it, wiping his hand carelessly on the shirt he discarded off the side of the bed. There's a sticky layer of sweat on his forehead and he doesn't _feel_ like he's just been in his room jerking off alone. He misses the heat of Soonyoung's body next to him, the way his chest shivers when he's catching his breath.

In the weeks since Soonyoung has been gone, Seokmin's life hasn't felt quite this empty until now. Seokmin doesn’t notice that he’s frowning, laying on his side and tilting the screen of his laptop so Soonyoung can still see him.

“You okay, Min-ah?” Soonyoung says, plucking at his lower lip. Seokmin blinks rapidly, his mouth lifting back into a smile.

“Yeah,” he says, stretching his arms over his head. “You should get some sleep, hyung.”

Soonyoung pouts at the screen for a moment before he yawns, pressing his cheek into his arm. “I guess. It’s lonely here with Joshua-hyung gone.”

Seokmin nods his head softly, pushing his fingers back through his hair. Soonyoung yawns once more, his nose wrinkling as he does. It makes Seokmin smile, leaning a little closer to the screen.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Soonyoung says finally, holding a little finger heart up to the screen.

“Goodnight, hyung,” Seokmin says, still smiling when he closes the call. Once it ends, Seokmin presses his forehead against his arms and groans, squeezing his eyes shut.

He’s so much more fucked when it comes to Soonyoung than he knows how to deal with. If there wasn’t a good way to explain whatever they were before (fuck buddies? Dating? Seokmin still doesn’t know), it’s only getting harder now. 

He hadn’t assumed that he would somehow cease to be in love with Soonyoung while he was gone— there’s no amount of optimism or distance that could make his heart change its mind. But he had hoped that with Soonyoung gone, at least for the time being, he would feel less preoccupied with whatever their relationship was or wasn’t.

That hasn’t been the case, of course. He’s just as confused as he was before.

[WRAP UP][Wrap up scene]

**{* * *}**

Soonyoung was skeptical at first about Joshua’s offer to spend the holidays with him and his family, but the thought of spending a whole week in their empty room by himself definitely scared him more than the thought of having to awkwardly introduce himself to Joshua’s family.

It turns out that it’s really not that awkward anyway. Joshua’s parents are friendly and sweet and they bicker gently at each other in Korean and it feels familiar. LA at Christmas turns out to just be rainy and a little chilly and it’s hard for Soonyoung to really convince himself that it’s Christmas at all but there’s a decorated tree taking over the whole middle of Joshua’s living room and Soonyoung finds himself craning his neck back to admire it.

“Sorry,” Joshua says, dropping to sit on the couch next to Soonyoung and shaking his head, a little smile on his face. “My parents are really into the holidays.”

“I like it,” Soonyoung says, stretching his legs out in front of him with a laugh.

“My mom has been bugging me to bring you over since I told her my roommate is Korean,” Joshua says, stretching himself out over the old, overstuffed couch, his head bumping against Soonyoung’s shoulder. “I think they went kinda overboard.”

The house is more decorated than Soonyoung is used to, at least, with the massive tree and tinsel hung in every doorway and a little ceramic nativity scene set up next to the television. Most of the time Soonyoung’s Christmas involves fighting with his older sister and wearing uncomfortable new clothes when they have dinner with his grandmother.

It isn’t bad; he likes spending time with his family, but they don’t really have any strict traditions to miss either. As much as he likes Joshua's parents, and as much of a relief as it is to be somewhere that makes him feel a little more like home, there are still plenty of reminders that he's an outsider here as well.

Soonyoung has been too absorbed in spending time with Joshua and his family and skyping with his parents and his sister to make himself miserable wondering what Seokmin is doing.

It's stupid— it isn't as if they'd be spending much of Christmas together if Soonyoung was in Korea since he always goes home for the holidays and Seokmin always stays in the city. But the hollow, aching space in his life that Seokmin should occupy refuses to leave him alone. It's like prodding the empty gap of a missing tooth as a kid and the more time Soonyoung spends poking at it the longer it takes to heal.

Joshua puts on some reality TV program in English that Soonyoung has a hard time following along with, and as much as he prods Joshua to translate he still only has half an idea of what's actually going on. He ends up leaning with his elbows on his knees, head tilted slightly to try and pick out what's being said better. Joshua laughs, patting him on the back of his shoulder.

"It's not even that good," he says, grinning when Soonyoung sinks back into his seat. Soonyoung shrugs one shoulder, chewing on the corner of his lip. It's early in the morning and according to Joshua both of his parents left for church awhile ago, which Soonyoung is sort of glad he wasn't expected to go along to, meaning that it's just the two of them right now.

A nagging part of Soonyoung's mind wants to send Seokmin a message, but it's still the late hours of the night over there and it's not like he would get a response until Seokmin wakes up, anyway. It had been hard enough setting up a time to chat with his parents since helping them navigate the time difference hasn't exactly gone well so far.

"We should get out and do something," Joshua says, awhile later when even Soonyoung has lost interest in trying to understand the TV. “What about the pier?”

"Won't that be weird?" Soonyoung asks, wrinkling his nose. He's tempted to say yes anyway, because hanging around by himself with Joshua's parents is likely to be just as weird.

"It'll be fun," Joshua says, shaking his head. He's been too good already at talking Soonyoung into things with his bright smiles and the way he manages to make everything sound fun. "I haven't taken you there yet anyway."

"Okay," Soonyoung says, not really taking much time to deliberate the point. It's not like he's got better things to do except try to find space in Joshua's cramped bedroom to try to practice his solo. There's definitely not enough space for Joshua to do any of the movements his ballet solo requires so it seems like neither of them are going to spend much time dancing, at least for the next few days.

They're both going to be overweight at their next diet check too which Soonyoung is looking forward do. He grins, tugging on the corner of Joshua's sleeve. "Can we go to that one burger place too?"

Joshua laughs, nodding and pushing himself off of the couch, probably to go shower or change his clothes. "You don't wanna go get meat again?"

There's a teasing tone to his voice and it makes Soonyoung laugh as well. He's been guilty of suggesting nothing but Korean food whenever Joshua asks what he wants to eat and because their diets are supposed to be strict ordering takeout has been a rare luxury to begin with.

"Nah," Soonyoung says, pushing his bangs out of his face. Joshua nods, disappearing into his own room for a moment.

He should be doing more to express just how grateful he is to Joshua, probably. He might be the only thing that's kept Soonyoung from tripping face first into his own miserable loneliness. He's happy for the opportunity to study dance in another country, of course, and LA has been more fun than he expected, but a not insignificant portion of that is due to having a friend like Joshua. He even agreed to facetime Soonyoung's solo so Seokmin could watch it live.

Soonyoung only had the money to get him a small present for Christmas— a few skincare products that Joshua tried and liked, though they were much more expensive to get than Soonyoung is used to.

It only takes a few minutes for Joshua to change from his lazy, around the house clothes into a cozy looking sweater with a crisp button up under it, his hair combed neatly into order. Soonyoung is still in his joggers and the hoodie he stole from Seokmin's closet and packed to take with him as a guilty pleasure and he drags himself up reluctantly to look decent as well.

He winds up keeping the hoodie on, with a nicer pair of jeans and a sweater under it. He's not worried about the cold as much as he just wants the comfort of something of Seokmin's. The sweater must be one of Seokmin’s older ones, the words on the front faded to the point where Soonyoung can’t really read them anymore, the cuffs loose around his wrists. Like all of Seokmin’s clothes, it’s a little big on Soonyoung but not so much that it doesn’t look like something he might have bought for himself.

The pier isn’t as cold as Soonyoung was worried it might be, but the cold sea air cuts straight through his hoodie leaving him crunched close to Joshua and trying not to shiver. He expected most of the booths and restaurants on the pier to be closed for the winter but a surprising amount of them are open and decorated for the Christmas season.

As used to it as Joshua must be, Soonyoung can’t help the desire to go in and explore all of them. It doesn’t matter that most of them have the same cheap stuff stacked floor to ceiling— bathing suits and cheap souvenirs.

“What do you think of this?” Soonyoung says, in maybe the fourth shop that he drags Joshua into. He has a coffee mug with a garishly bright print of the Hollywood sign and **JAMES** printed across the bottom in stark black letters. He’s less focused on that and more on the cheerful cartoon poodle poking it’s head up in the front. It’s cute and probably the kind of thing that Seokmin would like.

“James?” Joshua asks with a laugh, putting his hands on Soonyoung’s shoulders and leaning in to get a closer look. “Oh, it’s cute.”

“It’s not like they’re gonna have one that says Seokmin,” Soonyoung says, laughing as well. “I think he’d like it.”

“You should get it,” Joshua says then pauses, tapping one finger softly on the ceramic. “Or maybe something less breakable.”

“Good thinking,” Soonyoung says, chuckling as he sets it carefully back on the shelf.

Joshua helps him find a key chain with a similar puppy on it and the same name that’s much less likely to shatter into pieces in his luggage. It only ends up costing a few dollars, though Soonyoung is still glad for Joshua glancing over his shoulder to make sure he’s not handing over way too much cash for small things. Soonyoung rubs the key chain between his fingers before tucking it in his pocket.

“Christmas present?” Joshua asks, draping one arm over Soonyoung’s shoulder when they walk back out. The gloomy sky has given way to a light drizzle and Soonyoung pulls the hood of his borrowed sweater up over his head to try and hide from the rain. Joshua leans his head back with a frown, most likely because he doesn’t have a hood to protect himself from the rain.

“Something like that,” Soonyoung says, craning his neck back to look up at the giant, slowly rotating ferris wheel down the beach from them. “We should go on the ride.”

“You wanna ride it in the rain?” Joshua says, his eyebrows leaping together. Soonyoung nods, taking off ahead and ignoring Joshua’s plain skepticism. There are roofs on each of the cars, anyway. Joshua follows after him with a sigh, nudging Soonyoung for the money to pay for the ride.

The cart is a faded red and in spite of the metal roof the seat is damp from the descending rain but Soonyoung takes his spot without complaining, grinning when Joshua’s face makes it clear that he’s not really pleased.

The ride up is slower than Soonyoung expected, but it just gives him more time to find his footing in the rocking car, leaning out the window like an excited child. The pier shrinks into the distance, the wooden boardwalk becoming one with the murky ocean underneath it. It would be more beautiful probably if they weren't there on a dim, rainy day but Soonyoung doesn't mind it. Just like he doesn't mind the wind pushing the hood off his hair and the rain splashing against the top of his head.

"You're gonna fall out," Joshua says and even without turning around Soonyoung can hear the sound of him rolling his eyes. He laughs, letting go of the steel door to flop back to his seat, the grin on his face impossible to wipe off.

"We could've come back on a nicer day," Joshua says, laughing and glancing out the window himself, though he remains firmly in his seat.

"It's nice like this," Soonyoung says, fishing his phone out of his pocket. He keeps a careful grip on it, taking several pictures of his surroundings once they reach the top. There's a clear view out over the ocean and the pier and in spite of the wet wind trying to chill him to his very bones, Soonyoung is enjoying himself.

"It's kind of incredible," Soonyoung says after he sits next to Joshua to snap a photo of them both. Joshua plays along, adjusting the already neat collar of his shirt before nodding for Soonyoung to take it. "I would never see something like this if I hadn't come here."

"I guess," Joshua says, humming thoughtfully in the back of his throat. "It's not like there are no theme parks in Korea that you could go to."

"Yeah but it's different," Soonyoung says, shaking his head and depositing his phone back in his pocket so he's not at risk of dropping it over the side. "I couldn't visit a place like Santa Monica."

"Yeah," Joshua says, nodding his head slowly. The car gives a little lurch as they start their way down and Soonyoung grins when it swings back and forth, feeling like the breeze might carry the whole thing away.

When they reach the ground once more, Soonyoung bounces out of the car and back out into the now much heavier rain, still weightless. Joshua chuckles behind him, ducking his head in an effort to hide from the rain.

“Can we go inside now?” Joshua asks, a fake frown on his face. “You gotta be hungry.”

“Burgers?” Soonyoung asks, raising his eyebrow and rubbing his stomach. Joshua laughs, looping his arm around Soonyoung’s shoulder loosely, tugging him along a little faster to get both of them out of the rain.

**{* * *}**

For almost all of the last two years, Seokmin has been listening to Seungkwan’s complaints about his feelings for Hansol. Seungkwan has never been willing to make the first move, in spite of the fact that he and Hansol have obviously been dancing around it for months.

But, of course, while Seokmin is absorbed in his own romantic longing, Seungkwan finally works up the courage to kiss Hansol while he’s in the middle of talking about some old philosopher that Seokmin has already forgotten the name of even though Seungkwan told him the story of it at least three times.

He’s happy for Seungkwan and Hansol— they make a sweet couple, always giddy and shy when they’re around one another and it’s been plenty of time coming.

It’s a little hard to remember how happy he is for them, though, when they’re walking down one of the festively decorated streets with both of their hands tucked into one of Hansol’s pockets for warmth.

Christmas is a few days away and all of Seokmin’s friends seem to be planning on using the short break from school to get as lovey-dovey with each other as possible. He agreed to go out for chicken when Seungkwan offered but he didn’t think it would mean that he was coming along on what is definitely a date for the two of them.

“Are we almost there?” Seungkwan asks, his head leaning toward Hansol’s shoulder, lower lip thrust out in a pout. He’s complaining in a tone that only Seungkwan can really manage and Seokmin hunches a little more into his scarf, hiding the grin on his face.

“Yeah. It’s like, around the next corner,” Hansol says, gesturing with his free hand. Seungkwan wrinkles his nose like he doesn’t really believe that’s the truth. He doesn’t complain, though from the expression on his face Seokmin can tell that he _wants_ to.

“I don’t know why you wanted to walk so far for chicken,” Seungkwan huffs, wrapping his free arm around Hansol’s, probably squeezing their hands tighter together as well. “We passed like a dozen places to eat.”

“It’s really good,” Hansol says, the smile on his face only growing wider the more Seungkwan complains.

Seokmin isn’t smart enough to look away before Hansol presses a kiss to Seungkwan’s pink cheek and he barely restrains the urge to groan, shrugging his shoulders up around his face.

He isn’t usually the cynical member of his friend group, but all the pairing off that’s come along with the holidays is only making him feel even more alone. Minghao even gave in and agreed to go visit Mingyu’s family for Christmas since he couldn’t afford to fly back to China.

The chicken place Hansol has in mind is definitely not around the next corner and by the time they find it, Seokmin is so cold and hungry that he’s lost the energy to lament his own loneliness. They order their food and Seungkwan and Hansol end up scrunched together in a booth, leaving Seokmin seated on the other side by himself.

For once, he wished Seungkwan had left him out because he feels more awkward here than he would have in his dorm by himself. It’s what he deserves for complaining about Mingyu being gone, it seems.

“I texted Jeonghan-hyung too,” Seungkwan says, peeking over the top of his menu with a smile that Seokmin knows is there even without seeing it. It actually makes Seokmin smile as well, leaning his arms on the table.

“Hopefully he doesn’t get lost too,” he says, sparing a glance at Hansol. Hansol seems blissfully unaware like he always is, leaning his shoulder into Seungkwan’s. Seungkwan seems distracted from whatever he was going to say by the contact, or maybe by the way Hansol’s hand drops from the table to rest on his knee instead.

Watching Seungkwan melt toward Hansol in the plastic booth definitely makes Seokmin regret the day he was born, even if he’s trying to keep a smile on his face. He doesn’t even try to be subtle about taking a picture of the two of them, their heads bent together to look at the same menu even though Hansol has his own laying next to his arm.

He opens up his messages with Soonyoung to pass the picture along, accompanied by several wide-eyed emojis that he hopes will make Soonyoung laugh.

 **(Seokgu):** _I got invited on a date_

 **(Seokgu):** _I think I’m the chaperon_

Soonyoung doesn’t answer right away so Seokmin tucks his phone back into his pocket and does his best to stare at the menu instead of at Seungkwan and Hansol on the other side of the table.

Jeonghan doesn’t breeze in through the door until they’ve already ordered food, sliding into the booth next to Seokmin and adjusting the loose beanie covering his hair.

“Sorry,” Jeonghan says, the word coming out attached to a heavy breath. Seungkwan smiles, leaning back in his seat a little. He has his fingers twined together with Hansol’s, both of their hands resting on top of the table. “It was further than I thought.”

“It’s okay,” Seokmin says, smiling when Jeonghan turns to look at him. He’s glad to not be the third wheel anymore, even more glad that it’s Jeonghan joining them. As much time as they’ve spent together while preparing for the upcoming musical they haven’t spent a lot of time together outside of rehearsals.

He would be more excited about it if it wasn’t under the guise of avoiding Hansol and Seungkwan spending the whole afternoon making eyes at each other but he’s happy none the less.

“You can just share with me,” Seokmin says when one of the staff members carries their food out to them, ignoring the raised eyebrows he gets from Seungkwan over offering to share his food.

Jeonghan smiles though, wide and bright, and Seokmin can feel his insides melt at the sight of it. “You’re so good to me, Seokminnie.”

He’s glad that Hansol and Seungkwan are too busy with each other to notice the blush spreading across his cheeks. Jeonghan isn’t so oblivious, giving Seokmin’s cheek a little pinch before taking one of the pieces of chicken from the basket in front of Seokmin.

It takes a moment before Seokmin’s mind clicks back properly into place and he takes a piece for himself, tearing off a too-big bite. He has his ankles crossed together under the table but his knee is still leaning into Jeonghan’s.

Jeonghan looks over at him and giggles, grabbing one of the napkins from the middle of the table and hooking one of his fingers under Seokmin’s chin. He tugs Seokmin in closer, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he smiles, wiping crumbs off Seokmin’s cheek.

Seokmin’s mind fills up with static for a moment, staring at Jeonghan like he has no idea what’s going on. Jeonghan’s thumb lingers on Seokmin’s chin fr another moment before his hand pulls away, leaving a tingling warm spot on his chin.

“Th- thanks,” Seokmin says, a beat too late. He swallows hard, ducking his head and wondering if he’s doomed to spend all of his time around Jeonghan this red-faced and flustered.

Jeonghan smiles, his fingers brushing over the side of Seokmin’s arm before his attention goes back to the food in front of him. Seokmin doesn’t miss the way Seungkwan’s eyes dart over to the two of them, one of his eyebrows lifting just a fraction.

Part of him wants to question what exactly Seungkwan keeps tossing him these looks for, but he’s distracted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. He doubts Seungkwan would give him a real answer anyway.

 **(10:10):** _(ÒㅅÓ) they’re really dating_

 **(10:10):** _and they made you come alone??_

Seokmin grins at the message, tapping Jeonghan’s shoulder before draping an arm around it, pulling him in close to take a picture of them together. Jeonghan looks up at the camera with a wide smile, leaning his cheek on Seokmin’s shoulder. The camera on his phone snaps once when he takes the picture, sending it to Soonyoung.

 **(Seokgu):** _we’re 3rd wheels together_

He tucks his phone back into his pocket, mostly to avoid Seungkwan scolding him for being more interested in texting than anything else. It’s more fun to have Jeonghan along, anyway. There’s less of a stinging reminder of how alone Seokmin has felt since Hansol and Seungkwan started dating. It isn’t that Seokmin has a shortage of people to spend his time with, but it seems like now more than ever his friends have started pairing off.

Splitting his food with Jeonghan means by the time the two of them have devoured all the chicken he ordered, he’s nowhere near full but Seokmin also doesn’t want to complain and make Jeonghan feel bad.

“We can go get dessert,” Jeonghan says, low and close to Seokmin’s ear. Seokmin’s spine rattles with a little shiver of surprise, looking over at Jeonghan with a small smile on his face. He glances over at Seungkwan and Hansol who are involved in bickering over who should get the last piece of chicken before grinning wider and nodding his head.

“Let’s go,” he says, giving Jeonghan a nudge with his shoulder. Jeonghan grins, sliding out of the booth and reaching back to grab Seokmin’s hand, pulling him along. 

Even though Seokmin’s food is already paid for, they dash out of the chicken place like they’re trying to escape the tab, with Jeonghan pulling Seokmin down the street. They don’t stop until they’re at least a block away. Jeonghan groans, finally letting go of Seokmin’s arm, hands on his knees as he leans over to catch his breath. Seokmin isn’t in any better shape, leaning his shoulders on the brick wall of a building and trying to rub away the stitch in his side.

“I don’t think we had to run,” he says, when he finally has enough air in his lungs to make the words come out. Jeonghan laughs, still breathless himself, looking up at Seokmin with a grin.

“It was more fun,” he says, winking. He picks himself up, sliding the elastic that holds his hair back out before gathering his hair between his fingers, combing them through it while he gathers his ponytail again. “Do you wanna get ice cream?”

Seokmin nods even though it’s cold and the looming gray sky is threatening snow. It occurs to him that Jeonghan is someone you follow for the fun of it, for the joy of the journey, not because you have something specific in mind for the ending. Jeonghan loops their arms together, looking around at the buildings around them with a laugh.

“We might have to look around a little.”

It takes them over an hour of wandering through the decorated streets of Seoul before they give up on trying to find a place for ice cream and stumble frozen into a tiny cafe. Jeonghan finally releases Seokmin’s arm, rubbing his arms over his shoulders.

“Guess not many places have ice cream this time of year,” Jeonghan says, though he doesn’t sound terribly bothered by their failure. Seokmin shakes his head, unable to help the fond way he smiles.

“Is coffee good instead?” He asks, gesturing at the counter like it’s a grand discovery and not their first choice over freezing in the snow. Jeonghan nods eagerly, reaching out to press his freezing fingers to Seokmin’s neck. Seokmin yelps, trying to struggle his way free, laughing the whole time.

Jeonghan lets go with a laugh, patting Seokmin’s shoulder. “I’ll buy.”

Seokmin rubs at his neck with a little pout on his face, trying to chase away the cold. “You’d better.”

While Jeonghan is buying them coffee and hopefully snacks, Seokmin fishes his phone out of his pocket, blowing on his own cold fingers in an attempt to warm them up. He has messages from both Seungkwan and Soonyoung.

 **(Kwan~Kwan):** _have fun with hyung!~_

Seokmin wrinkles his nose even though he was expecting some kind of scolding for ditching out on him and Hansol. He takes a seat at one of the nicely decorated tables, opening the messages from Soonyoung next.

 **(10:10):** _you can’t be a third wheel with someone_

 **(10:10):** _I think that just makes you like, a second couple_

 **(Seokgu):** _yeah but Jeonghan-hyung and I aren’t a couple_

Jeonghan takes the seat across from him, setting down a hot cup of coffee and holding a bag that looks like it has a croissant in it. He has a matching paper cup in his other hand and a triumphant smile on his face when Seokmin looks up.

“Still hungry?” He asks, setting the bag down in front of Seokmin. Seokmin nods, a shade too eager, laughing.

“I’m always hungry,” he says, taking a shamelessly huge bite out of the pastry. Jeonghan chuckles, leaning one of his elbows on the table, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. Seokmin isn’t usually shy about eating around other people— he has a more than healthy appetite and he’s used to being teased for it.

But the look on Jeonghan’s face isn’t teasing. Seokmin doesn’t know Jeonghan well enough to tell exactly what it means. Jeonghan takes a slow sip of his own coffee, his eyes dropping to the table when Seokmin’s phone vibrates loudly on the surface of it.

“I think you’re more popular than I am,” Jeonghan says, laughing as the words come out of his mouth. Seokmin ducks his head, trying in vain to hide the pink that climbs into his cheeks, shaking it quickly.

“Not really,” he says, sliding it off the table and back into his pocket. “Mostly it’s just Soonyoung-hyung.”

“From LA?” He says, the tips of his fingers tapping on the side of his neck. Seokmin nods, tearing off another chunk of the croissant.

“Yeah, it’s pretty late at night there,” Seokmin says, dusting the crumbs on his fingers off on his thigh.

“This is really good,” he says, holding the remaining half of the pastry out to Jeonghan. Jeonghan laughs, tearing off the other corner and popping it into his mouth.

“It is good,” he says, laughing when he finishes.

**{* * *}**

Something Soonyoung didn’t expect to miss from his life in Korea was privacy. A benefit to the tiny apartment he and Wonwoo shared was having his own room. Sharing space with Joshua isn’t hard, he’s neat and spends a lot of his evenings listening to music or helping Soonyoung study.

But there are certain things that Soonyoung still needs time to himself to take care of.

Which means when Joshua goes out for the night with his friends Soonyoung takes full advantage of the time to himself, sprawled over the sheets with his hand between his legs, rubbing his half-hard cock through his shorts. It feels a little pathetic how pent up he feels, but that seems to be the cost of going from having an active sex life to being by himself for the last three months. The lack of time to himself certainly doesn’t help, either.

Soonyoung does his best to put that all out of his mind, his face mashed into the pillow, shoving his shorts down his thighs and wrapping his fingers loosely around his cock. He has his eyes squeezed shut, lip caught between his teeth as he strokes himself slowly, not doing anything more than teasing himself. His other hand is digging into the sheets, tugging on the fabric when he skims his thumb over the slit.

As worked up as he is, Soonyoung is trying hard to keep his mind empty. Recently any time he’s gotten the chance to get himself off, his mind has been invaded by thoughts of Seokmin. On the surface it’s not really a problem— Soonyoung’s memories are more than vivid enough to craft some compelling fantasies; more than enough to keep him entertained.

But the aftermath always makes Soonyoung itchy with guilt as well as painfully aware that Seokmin is the only person he knows how to want anymore. It’s worse because he knows that’s not the same for Seokmin. Still, keeping Seokmin out of his mind is hard and as much as he tries not to, Soonyoung has his eyes shut tight to better picture one of Seokmin’s hands teasing his dick rather than one of his own. He bites down harder on his lip, giving a little twist to his wrist.

It’s sad that even the slightest thought of Seokmin can make his hips push toward his hand, fucking into the loose grasp of his fingers. Worse is when he gives into it, letting his mind wander to all the material he apparently has stashed away.

He can picture more than just one of Seokmin’s tanned hands— Soonyoung has been dying for the chance to get his hands on Seokmin again since the last time. He wants to bury his face between Seokmin’s perfect thighs and refuse to let up until he makes Seokmin come with nothing but his fingers and his mouth once again.

Soonyoung muffles a frustrated groan as best he can with the pillow, arching his hips up. As much as he tries to shove these thoughts of Seokmin out of his mind, Soonyoung is ultimately too weak to manage it for real.

His phone, discarded and forgotten on the nightstand, vibrates loudly. Soonyoung means to just ignore it until he’s finished but even when he tightens his fingers around his cock there’s a curiosity that nags at him.

The only way to explain what he does next is lack of blood flow to his brain. He untangles his fingers from the sheets, grabbing blindly for the phone.

 **(Seokgu):** _I think I’m gonna lose my voice by the time we actually perform_

He glances over the message before opening the camera instead. He manages to snap a picture that makes it clear what he’s doing even though it doesn’t show his hand wrapped around his dick. He doesn’t think enough to hesitate before sending it to Seokmin— his chest bared and flushed, head leaning back against the pillow, hair mussed and sticking to his forehead.

It doesn’t take long for Seokmin to respond.

 **(Seokgu):** _holy shit_

 **(Seokgu):** _hyung_

 **(Seokgu):** _you look really hot_

Soonyoung’s tongue runs over his lower lip, thinking about sending another picture when his phone vibrates in his hand again, this time with a call.

“Hey,” Soonyoung says when he answers, his voice low and fuzzy.

“Hyung,” Seokmin says in response, voice quick and strained. “Are you—?”

He doesn’t finish the question but Soonyoung hums out a groan from the back of his throat.

“I was thinking about you,” Soonyoung says, because he doesn’t have the brainpower to lie about it. The words sit heavy and vulnerable in his stomach while he waits for some kind of answer.

Seokmin draws in a sharp breath and Soonyoung can hear the sound of fabric rustling on the other end.

“Fuck,” Seokmin says, low and soft. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says, stroking himself slowly once again. Just hearing Seokmin’s voice makes something hot twist and coil in his stomach and his next breath comes out with a heavy groan. “Sorry, I’m just…”

He huffs out another hard breath rather than finishing and Seokmin laughs, his voice still low.

There’s a long pause before Seokmin answers and all Soonyoung can hear is his quick, shallow breathing through the phone and when he speaks there’s an undeniable nervousness to his voice. “What— what were you thinking about?”

The question makes things easier for Soonyoung, it makes it more clear what he should be doing. He shifts to hold the phone between his ear and his shoulder, freeing up his hand to tug one of his nipples, squirming on the bed from the prolonged teasing.

“I was thinking about eating you out,” Soonyoung says, surprised by how easy it is to get the words out of his mouth. Seokmin makes a muffled, surprised sound and Soonyoung licks his lips before continuing. “I wanna make you come like that again.”

There’s still a nervous moment when Soonyoung isn’t sure if he’s saying too much— if the implication of _again_ is going to pop the bubble they’ve wrapped themselves in where the future only exists in abstract. But if Seokmin is bothered by it he doesn’t let on, groaning another strained _hyung_ into the phone.

Soonyoung swallows hard, resuming a slow, torturous pace of stroking his cock, feeling more confident now than before.

“Is that what you want?” He says, trying to sound teasing even though he’s probably far more wrecked than Seokmin is. Seokmin hums in uneven agreement. “I should have you sit on my face next time so I can feel those thighs of yours.”

“I’m starting to worry that’s the only thing you miss, hyung.” Seokmin laughs, low in the back of his throat and Soonyoung can’t help but smile. It makes the last of the tension ease out of the middle of his chest. He smiles as well, tugging his shirt up over his stomach to move it out of the way, fingers wandering in an idle path over his skin.

"Are you?" He says, fighting the irrational tenderness of his own voice. It's probably not really sexy to ask or to dwell on how much he misses Seokmin's eye-smile or the way he sings loudly in the shower but Soonyoung is filled with as much longing for those small things as he is for Seokmin's body. Soonyoung stuffs it all to the back of his mind once again, at least until he's finished with the task at hand.

"I kinda wanna fuck your thighs too," Soonyoung says, though _kinda_ is definitely a disservice to how much time he's spent thinking about it. He pauses just long enough to listen to Seokmin's shallow breathing go in and out twice, his back arching off the bed when his hand slides up his chest to tease at his nipples again.

"Yeah?" Seokmin says, all the laughter drained out of his voice once again. Soonyoung licks his lips, nodding even though Seokmin can't see him, his eyes falling closed on their own when he rolls his thumb over the head of his cock. There's a whimpering sound that he doesn't quite manage to strangle off in the back of his throat that slips into the call as confirmation instead.

"Yeah," he says, picking up an actual rhythm as he strokes himself rather than trying to draw it out further. The words that actually make it out of his mouth are no longer really passing through the filter in his brain. "On your back so I can see your face and your thighs squeezing around my dick."

Seokmin groans, surprisingly loud for a moment before the sound tapers off into something quieter, probably from Seokmin trying to muffle himself.

"Hyung, I really—" Seokmin cuts himself off with another groan, this one longer and deeper like it's being pulled out from the center of his chest.

"Are you touching your dick for me, Seokmin-ah?" Soonyoung says, teasing in spite of the fact that's exactly what he's doing himself.

"Shit," Seokmin says, so quietly that Soonyoung can barely hear him. "No, I'm— ah, fuck."

Soonyoung blinks twice, his brain taking a moment to catch up with the implication. When it does he squeezes his fingers tight around the base of his cock, trying to keep himself from blowing his load on the spot like a horny teenager.

Though, in his own defense, the image of Seokmin clutching the phone in one hand, listening to Soonyoung while he fingers himself is… a lot to take in.

"How many?" He asks, the corner of his lip getting caught between his teeth. He bites down until his mouth tastes metallic, still not trusting himself to move his hand.

"Th- three," Seokmin says after a moment. Soonyoung can't help the shiver that passes down his spine, forcing his eyes open and blinking dizzily at the ceiling.

"Fuck," he says, because that's the only thing he can think of. He starts stroking himself again without actually commanding his arm, fucking his hips up toward his hand in quick, relentless strokes.

"It's easier when you do it," Seokmin says, his laugh getting mixed up with a little whine. "I can't find the right angle."

Soonyoung is still preoccupied with the mental image of Seokmin fingering himself open, something he's definitely going to have to demand to see if he ever gets the chance.

"It's better if you're on your stomach," Soonyoung says, his own voice sounding far away. Seokmin huffs but Soonyoung can hear the sound of his bed squeaking in protest as he moves. It takes a moment for Seokmin to settle again, his breathing quick and heavy. Soonyoung can hear him whine and he can picture Seokmin sliding his fingers in again, his back bowed to make it easier to reach all the way behind him.

"Better?" Soonyoung asks when it sounds like Seokmin isn't moving around as much. Maybe he is and Soonyoung just can't tell over the sound of his heart beating in his own ears.

"Yeah," Seokmin says, the word coming out in a single heavy breath. "Fuck, yeah."

Soonyoung hums unevenly, unsure if his voice even travels over the call properly. He can hear Seokmin’s breathing, the half-muffled noises he’s making, the slight creaking of the bed that probably comes from Seokmin pushing his hips back into his fingers and making the old wooden frame rock with him. He doesn’t hear himself pant Seokmin’s name out between strained whines so much as he feels the shape of it in mouth before he comes, making a slick mess on his hand and his stomach.

He barely manages to avoid dropping his phone, teasing himself through the rolling aftershocks of his orgasm that make his legs twitch. There’s another long moment of huffing and groaning before Seokmin shouts out a loud, broken sound. Soonyoung wrinkles his nose at his own mess, rolling onto his side and curling his knees close to his chest, little sparks still crawling up his spine while he listens to Seokmin come back to himself.

“Hyung?” Seokmin says after some shuffling around, sounding more wrecked than Soonyoung expects.

“Hey,” Soonyoung says, the same graveled note present in his own voice. Seokmin sighs out like he was worried Soonyoung would have just hung up on him.

“Hi,” he says. He sounds sweet and shy and Soonyoung can picture the flush of his face, sweat sticking his hair down, his chest still expanding with each breath. For a moment Soonyoung wants so badly to just be able to kiss him that it’s like dying.

“Thank you for, um,” Seokmin starts, trailing off in the middle with an awkward laugh. “Thinking about me.”

“I couldn’t stop if I tried,” Soonyoung says, just a bit too honestly.

“Isn’t it late there?” Seokmin asks and Soonyoung hums in response, wiping his hand carelessly on his shirt. He’s already having a hard time keeping his eyes open, but he can’t think of anything more mortifying than Joshua coming home to discover him half-naked and sticky with his own come. “You should get some sleep.”

“Gotta shower first,” Soonyoung says, forcing himself to sit up before he really does drift off. “Hey, Seokminnie?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you,” Soonyoung says, rushing through the words before he loses the nerve to get them out. “So much.”

It's possible that Soonyoung is imagining the intake of Seokmin's breath that he hears. It could be chalked up to his own wishful thinking.

"I miss you too, hyung," he says after a moment and the sudden tension bleeds out of Soonyoung's muscles. "It's just a little while longer, though."

"Right," Soonyoung says, nodding his head and shoving his sticky bangs back from his face. The last two weeks left on his program seem like an eternity and Soonyoung goes between wanting to be finished as fast as possible and certain that he's never actually going to get his solo routine down.

"I'll talk to you later," Seokmin says and Soonyoung nods along, doing his best to suppress a yawn. "Get some sleep."

"Yeah," Soonyoung says, his voice fuzzy. "Later, Min-ah."

He hangs up the phone and heaves out a long breath before tossing it in the pillow and yanking his shirt over his head to drag himself to the shower before he actually passes out.

**{* * *}**

It isn’t really that parties make Seokmin nervous, but he’s never been quite comfortable going to them by himself. Usually, without the company of someone like Soonyoung or Minghao, he tends to stay clear of going out.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the wrap party celebrating the successful end of the musical production, Seokmin doesn’t really have that option. He’s not as worried as much about this one, since he knows the cast and crew pretty well already. On top of that, Jeonghan came swinging up to him before their last performance started and brightly declared that they were going to the wrap party _together._ Seokmin isn’t sure exactly what going together is supposed to mean, but so far it’s just involved wandering around behind Jeonghan like a lost puppy. He doesn’t really mind it— Jeonghan is funny and since the start of the musical they’ve been spending plenty of time together anyway.

“I never know what to do at these things,” Jeonghan says, sinking down into one of the folding chairs set up on one side of the room with a shake of his head, laughing. Seokmin shrugs, pulling up a second seat and grinning as he sits down as well.

“I thought you liked parties,” he says, poking one finger at Jeonghan’s side. Jeonghan laughs, swatting Seokmin’s hand away with a shake of his head.

“I’m not _that_ into them,” Jeonghan says, rolling his eyes. “I’m not that good with strangers.”

“I know,” Seokmin says, knocking his knee against Jeonghan’s. He puts an even bigger smile on his face, leaning so his head is laying on Jeonghan’s shoulder. “You have me, at least.”

Jeonghan frowns for just a moment, though Seokmin can see the way the corners of his mouth want to twitch upward into a smile. He stays with his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder, blowing kisses at him instead. Jeonghan laughs finally, giving up his attempts at looking put out. One of his hands pats Seokmin’s thigh then rests there, his palm warm through the jeans Seokmin is wearing.

“Okay fine,” Jeonghan says, still chuckling. “I have you.”

“And Seungkwannie is here too,” Seokmin says, sitting up finally. He leans up a little, looking around to see if he can spot Seungkwan mingling with the crowd but shrugging one of his shoulders when he can’t. “Somewhere.”

“Probably with his boyfriend,” Jeonghan says, shaking his head. “Most of the cast brought dates with them.”

“Everyone but us, I think,” Seokmin says, sinking back into his seat with a little giggle. It doesn’t bother him so much as it would if he didn’t have Jeonghan to spend the evening with. It saves him from feeling suffocated by all the couples around, or worse, spending the whole night hung up on how much he misses Soonyoung rather than having fun.

Something confused blinks across Jeonghan’s face but it’s gone before Seokmin can ask why. There’s a quick, easy smile on his face instead, his hand still resting warmly on Seokmin’s leg.

“That’s why I figured it’d be good to come together,” Jeonghan says, tucking his bangs behind his ear and away from his face. Seokmin is quick to nod along.

“It’s more fun than being alone,” he says, leaning forward in his seat a little. “We can even dance or something if you wanna.”

He isn’t usually so fast to offer since he isn’t every good at dancing, especially since most of the time the only partners he has to choose from are Soonyoung and Minghao, who make him look even more ridiculous by comparison. Even Jeonghan laughs at the offer, squeezing Seokmin’s leg.

“Do _you_ wanna dance, Seokmin-ah?” He asks, his eyes curved up into half moons with his smile. Seokmin laughs, shaking his head quickly.

“Not really,” he says, rubbing the warm back of his neck. “But you don’t have to be bored just because you’re here with me.”

Jeonghan lifts one eyebrow at that like Seokmin has said something curious. Seokmin shakes his head quickly, his smile a little awkward.

“Ignore me,” he says, shaking his head. Jeonghan heaves out a sigh but the look on his face is amused rather than annoyed. He lifts his hand away from Seokmin’s thigh, leaving a warm spot behind when the cool air rushes in, tangling their fingers loosely together.

“What about a drink instead?” He asks and Seokmin nods, letting Jeonghan pull him out of the seats.

It isn’t a surprise that the punch has been spiked with something sharp and alcoholic, but Seokmin still coughs on his first sip. Jeonghan grins at him, shaking his head.

“Too much?” He asks, swatting Seokmin’s hip as he goes by.

“No,” Seokmin manages a beat late, glad that his throat is no longer burning, at least. He takes another too long sip, draining the rest of the plastic cup, strangely eager to prove to Jeonghan that he’s not a lightweight.

The unfortunate truth is that he _is_ a lightweight, and after a second cup of punch he’s already feeling light and floaty, his arm tossed around Jeonghan’s shoulders, leaning into his side.

Jeonghan has a hand hooked around his waist, rubbing his side through the flimsy fabric of his shirt. “I think we need to sit you down.”

“I’m fine,” Seokmin mumbles, even as Jeonghan nudges him into a chair. His hand lifts off Seokmin’s side, stealing a quick grab of his ass that makes Seokmin yelp in surprise then laugh, falling heavily into the chair and making it groan under the sudden addition of weight.

Before Jeonghan moves away Seokmin reaches out, catching an arm around his slender waist and tugging Jeonghan into a hug, made slightly awkward by the way Seokmin’s forehead is pressed into his stomach.

“Are you drunk already, Seokmin-ah?” Jeonghan asks, his fingers combing back through Seokmin’s hair, making it stand up. Seokmin shakes his head, his face still hidden against Jeonghan’s stomach.

“No,” he says, his voice slower than he expects. “But thanks for hanging out with me.”

“I’m having fun,” Jeonghan says, giving a slight tug to Seokmin’s hair, making him lift his head. He has to crane his neck back to actually look at Jeonghan’s face and when he does they’re closer than he expects.

He can feel the shiver of Jeonghan’s breath against his cheek before their lips meet, slightly off center. 

Seokmin doesn’t know what to do about the kiss, sitting with his eyes open and his arms wrapped around Jeonghan’s waist still. Jeonghan has one hand still in his hair, the other resting on his shoulder, fingers curling to grasp the fabric of his shirt. When his brain does catch up, it’s with the blaring warning that this is _wrong, wrong, wrong_ and his arms drop to his sides, even more uncertain how he should actually respond.

Jeonghan pulls away and Seokmin can see the burning red of his cheeks and for a moment the two of them stare at each other, waiting for the other person to say something first.

“S- sorry,” Seokmin says finally, not even certain why he feels the need to apologize. “I didn’t expect…”

“I thought this was a date,” Jeonghan says, covering his mouth when Seokmin stares up at him in confusion.

“A date?” Seokmin repeats, feeling the heat that creeps into his face. It makes sense only in hindsight that the reason Jeonghan declared they should go _together_ because he was asking Seokmin out, not because he just wanted a friend to spend the evening with. Jeonghan drops into the seat next to him slowly, nodding his head and Seokmin licks his lips, his voice coming out in one soft breath. “Oh.”

“You’re not interested,” Jeonghan says, his voice flat. Seokmin can detect the hurt behind his words and he sits up quickly, waving his hands in front of his face.

“It’s not that!” He says, his words stumbling in their haste to get out. Jeonghan lifts an eyebrow, a slight frown on his face. Seokmin pulls a deep breath in, trying to slow himself down. “I’m just… I’m in love with Soonyoung, I think.”

“You said you two weren’t dating,” Jeonghan says, his brow slightly furrowed. Seokmin sighs, sinking back against the seat with a nod of his head.

“We’re not… and we weren’t before. It’s just…” he trails off, realizing exactly how pathetic he sounds.

“Sorry,” Jeonghan says, patting Seokmin’s shoulder with a small smile on his face. It makes him feel even more foolish, having to be comforted for his stupid hang ups by the person who he’s turning down kisses from. It’s proof that if anything, Seokmin should avoid dating all together and curl up under his bed for the next year until he stops being so mortified. “Does he know?”

“I dunno,” Seokmin says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I never said anything about it but we’re still sort of…” Seokmin frowns, realizing he doesn’t exactly have a word to finish that sentence. “I don’t know what we’re doing.”

“So that’s what Seungkwannie meant you needed help getting over,” Jeonghan says, his smile a little bitter. “I should’ve guessed.”

“Sorry,” Seokmin says, cringing just a little. “Wait, Seungkwan-ah?”

“He said he wanted to set you up, I assumed it was because you and Soonyoung-ah must’ve broken up,” he says, lifting one shoulder in a small shrug. Seokmin blinks, trying to process exactly what that means, staring blankly at Jeonghan.

“He was setting us up,” Jeonghan says, a little laughter returning to his voice. “You didn’t realize?”

“How was I supposed to?” Seokmin asks, the tips of his ears flushing bright red even as he laughs. Jeonghan’s smile is a little softer, reaching out to flick one of Seokmin’s ears with an affectionate hum.

“At least you can still be my fool,” he says, shaking his head. “Soonyoung-ah is coming back soon, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like, two more weeks.”

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Jeonghan asks. Seokmin coughs, his head spinning from the quick turn of the conversation.

“We don’t have to talk about Soonyoung-hyung,” he says, holding both hands up in front of his chest. “I know that must be kinda weird.”

“It’s fine,” Jeonghan says, waving his hand carelessly in front of him. “Why dwell on things?”

“Hyung, you’re still mad at Mingyu-ya for a project from a year ago,” Seokmin says, barely managing to contain his laughter.

“That’s because he deserves it,” Jeonghan says, quick and venomous. “This is different.”

“No, I haven’t thought about it,” Seokmin says, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I would say.”

“Well doesn’t he feel the same way?” Jeonghan asks. Seokmin pauses, chewing the inside lip, trying to decides how to answer.

As uncertain as he is about Soonyoung’s feelings, he has plenty of hope that he isn’t pining uselessly over someone who won’t love him in return. Even if that hope is small and secret, tucked in the spare space between his ribs. It’s something he’s nurtured bit by bit while Soonyoung has been gone; every time Soonyoung calls him in the middle of the night and falls asleep on the line, when Soonyoung sends him pictures that he doesn’t post, the fact that Soonyoung asked his American friend to film his solo just so Seokmin could watch.

Whatever he and Soonyoung are now— whatever they will be when Soonyoung comes back, it isn’t beyond Seokmin’s optimism.

“I think so,” he says finally, nerves still twisting in his stomach at the thought. “Maybe.”

“That’s better than a ‘no’,” Jeonghan says, his grin getting just a little bit wider. “So you just have to ask him.”

Seokmin groans, hiding his face in his hands, already terrified at the prospect. Jeonghan chuckles, patting the back of Seokmin’s shoulder.

“It’s better if you just go for it,” he says.

The strangeness of it isn’t lost on Seokmin, getting advice on his romantic woes from the boy his friends were apparently trying to set him up with, but he appreciates Jeonghan’s advice anyway. He exhausted the good will of Mingyu and Minghao both weeks ago and Soonyoung has become something of a taboo subject when it comes to Seungkwan, though he’s only now seeing why.

“I guess,” Seokmin says, shaking his head with a little sigh. It’s easier said than done, of course.

“Cheer up,” says Jeonghan, taking a sip of his drink and raising his eyebrows, the grin back on his face. “It can’t be weirder than this.”

There, at least, he has a point.

**{* * *}**

Soonyoung should be grateful that preparing for his solo performance doesn’t leave him much time to scroll through Seokmin’s twitter feed and brood over all the cute updates of him preparing for the musical, always with Seungkwan or Jeonghan at his side, or the pictures of him and Jeonghan going out for food together, or the fact that it seems like in the past months the only time he _hasn’t_ been spending with Yoon Jeonghan has been in his sleep.

He should be grateful that he doesn’t have time to dwell on these things, except he finds the time anyway. Like while watching Joshua run through his own routine, watching his careful steps and the delicate angles of his arms. He’s supposed to be helping, even though he’s not exactly experienced the way Joshua is when it comes to ballet, but he’s glaring into the distance and thinking about Seokmin.

That’s what he’s done with almost every waking moment that hasn’t been spent practicing his routine and it’s starting to get in the way of even that.

Joshua stops before the music does, dropping from his _en pointe_ to the flat of his feet with a long groan. Soonyoung blinks rapidly, sitting up straight, pulling himself out of his glowering. “What?”

“I’m just going to fail it,” Joshua says, pausing the music and taking a seat next to Soonyoung. Soonyoung laughs, watching Joshua stretch his arms over his head.

“Giving up?” He says, still grinning when Joshua nods his head. He reaches to the side, passing a water bottle over to Joshua. “Take ten then decide if you’re still quitting.”

“Fine,” Joshua says, smiling as he takes a long drink. He sighs, passing the water back to Soonyoung, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Does the footwork look any better?”

“Um,” Soonyoung says after a moment of trying to call the step sequence to mind. “Y- yeah, I think so.”

“Soonyoungie,” Joshua says, his voice flat even as the corners of his lips tilt up in amusement. “Were you not paying attention?”

“I zoned out,” Soonyoung says, slumping back against the mirrored wall. “Sorry.”

“Thinking about your solo or your boy problems?” Joshua asks, raising one eyebrow. Soonyoung can feel the embarrassed flush that creeps into his face, even as he ducks his head into his hoodie to try and hide it.

He’s wearing the hoodie he pilfered from Seokmin— he’s been wearing it a lot lately. He licks his lips nervously, twisting the string around his finger again and again. Apparently that’s enough of an answer on its own because Joshua sighs, nudging his knee against Soonyoung’s.

“What’s wrong now?” He asks, leaning against the mirror next to Soonyoung.

“How am I supposed to know what he wants?” Soonyoung says, freeing his finger from the string and shaking his head. “He keeps posting pictures with Jeonghan-hyung and they spend like, all their time together.”

“Are they dating?” Joshua asks, sounding a little tired. Soonyoung can’t blame him for that— this is far from the only outburst he’s has in the past few weeks.

“I haven’t asked,” Soonyoung says, his voice low and sulky. He should, probably, but there’s no good way to phrase that question. Or at least no way that doesn’t out him as jealous and pathetic. 

“You’re gonna have to,” Joshua says, his eyes steady on Soonyoung. Soonyoung puffs his cheeks up, pulling his knees close to his chest. “Besides, it’s obvious that the kid is crazy about you.”

“Obvious?” He asks, choking on the single word as it leaves his mouth. Joshua gives him a look like he thinks Soonyoung is kidding.

“I’ve never had a conversation with him and I can tell,” Joshua says, shaking his head. He combs his bangs back from his forehead, lips tilting into a frown. Soonyoung blinks, staring at Joshua with his lips parted, not sure how to respond to that.

In response, Joshua just rolls his eyes. “You can’t be that dense, Soonyoungie.”

For a moment, Soonyoung isn’t sure how to answer that. Despite of the growing pains at the beginning of his time away, Soonyoung barely goes a day now without talking to Seokmin. It would be silly to say that he can’t feel the direction the two of them are headed in. The direction they’ve been going a long time— maybe even before that first silly, drunken kiss.

“It’s just…” Soonyoung says, trailing off with a shake of his head. “I don’t wanna screw up.”

“Then you have to talk to him,” Joshua says, patting Soonyoung’s shoulder twice. “Tell him what you want.”

“When I get back,” Soonyoung says, with more conviction in his voice than he’s sure he really has. “I’ll just… ask.”

“Will you help me with my dance now?” Joshua says, a playful smile climbing onto his face. Soonyoung laughs, nodding and tucking his hands into the loose front pocket of his hoodie.

“I’ll focus. Promise,” he says, tilting his head back when Joshua stands, walking across the room to turn the music on again.

**{* * *}**

An unfortunate consequence of the three alarms Seokmin sets to make sure he’s awake by 5:30 is that he winds up waking Mingyu as well.

“You’re not gonna jerk it or something, are you?” Mingyu asks, settling into Seokmin’s bed with a tired grumble, blanket draped over his head. Seokmin starts to answer but his jaw stretches into a yawn instead. He shakes his head, leaning against Mingyu’s side while he adjusts his laptop on his legs.

“No,” Seokmin says, jabbing his elbow into Mingyu’s side, making him yelp and try to wiggle away. “I told Soonyoung-hyung I’d watch his solo.”

“Yeah but you get all… weird when it comes to Soonyoung,” Mingyu says, draping the other half of the blanket over Seokmin’s shoulders.

“I do not,” Seokmin mumbles, too tired to put up much of a fight. Mingyu giggles, laying his cheek against Seokmin’s shoulder.

“He comes home next week, right?” Mingyu asks, humming when Seokmin nods in confirmation. “Are you gonna tell him?”

“Tell him what?” Seokmin asks, turning to look at Mingyu with a small frown on his face. It’s easy to pretend he has no idea what Mingyu is talking about— it’s too early in the morning to have this argument with anyone. Mingyu huffs, his lower lip stuck out in a pout, opening his mouth to say something else.

He’s cut off from the ringing sound coming from Seokmin’s laptop, loud in the sleepy quiet of the room. Seokmin can’t help the smile on his face when he answers the video request even though the boy he sees on the screen isn’t Soonyoung at all. It’s probably his roommate— Seokmin recognizes him from the pictures Soonyoung has posted. He looks a little surprised to see both Seokmin and Mingyu on the screen if the slight raise of his eyebrows is anything to go by. 

He waves at the screen anyway and laughs when Mingyu waves back. “Soonyoungie is up next.”

His Korean is surprisingly clear and Seokmin nods along eagerly, curling his hand into a loose fist around Mingyu’s blanket. He’s practically vibrating with excitement and if the little glances Mingyu keeps sending him are anything to go by, it’s obvious. Seokmin hadn’t realized until Soonyoung had offered to let him watch how much he missed seeing Soonyoung dance. It was a part of his routine that he didn’t realize until it was gone; sitting in on Soonyoung’s dance practices or helping him come up with songs to try for routines.

Soonyoung’s roommate peers more closely into the camera, blinking his cat-like eyes. “Which one of you is Seokmin-ah?”

Seokmin blinks, raising his hand and hoping the flush on his face doesn’t show up on the camera. There’s no way to know what Soonyoung’s roommate has heard about him but being mistaken for Mingyu, with his perfect jawline and charming smile, is the thing out of Seokmin’s worst nightmares.

“Mingyu-ya is my roommate,” Seokmin says, his fingers worrying the soft fabric of Mingyu’s blanket, suddenly wishing he hadn’t told him he could join in watching Soonyoung dance. It’s silly— it isn’t like _Soonyoung_ is going to get them confused, but it nags at the part of Seokmin that can’t help but compare himself to his friends.

But Soonyoung’s roommate, ignorant of Seokmin’s internal strife, just smiles. “I thought so. Your singing is really fantastic.”

“Oh,” Seokmin says, feeling some of his brain leak out of his ears. “Thank you.”

Before Soonyoung’s roommate can find some other way of tormenting him, there’s cheering behind him and a different song. The camera blinks and when it comes back it’s no longer looking at Soonyoung’s roommate but instead the empty center of what looks like a dance practice space, a bright red wall with a long mirror set into it and the reflection of a line of people sitting on the other side of the room.

The cheering stops when Soonyoung steps to the middle of the floor, in practice clothes that Seokmin vaguely recognizes, his head ducked like the enthusiasm around him made him feel shy. Seokmin wishes he could be there to cheer for Soonyoung— it’s become a tradition for the both of them. He goes to all of Soonyoung’s performances and he and Minghao try to make as much noise as possible.

Seokmin can clearly see when Soonyoung goes from shy to ready to perform— the way his gaze goes heavy and intense, his muscles tensed, all the bubbly energy stripped away in favor focus. The music starts and for just a second Soonyoung’s eyes flick over and Seokmin could swear he looks directly into the camera before he starts moving.

He’s seen Soonyoung dance a lot, probably more than almost anyone else, but Seokmin can’t remember ever seeing anything quite like this. All his movements are electric and even thousands of miles away, with a whole ocean between them, Seokmin can feel the impact of every movement through his whole body.

“Wow,” Mingyu says, though Seokmin is only dimly aware of it, laser focused on Soonyoung as he is. He can see when Soonyoung catches onto the energy of the people watching him— the little smirk that tilts the corner of his lips upward and Seokmin’s idiot heart throbs uselessly in his chest.

In Seokmin’s estimation, Soonyoung’s solo lasts only for the space of a few useless lungfuls of air. He stops perfectly on the last beat of the music and Seokmin can see the hard heaving of his chest. When the other students watching cheer he grins, taking one quick, shy bow before sprinting straight toward the camera. His roommate laughs, handing it over before Soonyoung crashes into him.

“Good job, Soonyoungie,” he says, just before snatches the phone away and turns the camera around once again.

It takes a moment for Soonyoung’s face to blink fully into focus, sweat beating on his face and the sides of his neck. He’s still trying to catch his breath, stepping out of the still noisy practice room into a quiet hallway instead.

“That was amazing, hyung!” Seokmin says, his voice too loud in the morning imposed quiet. Soonyoung’s smile gets wider and Seokmin’s heart could pop out of his mouth at any moment.

“Yeah?” He says, lower lip caught between his teeth. “I think it went pretty well.”

“It was incredible,” Seokmin says, tossing the blanket away from his shoulders in his enthusiasm. It seems like Soonyoung is glowing, either a trick of the light or just a projection of Seokmin’s own feelings. Mingyu grumbles something that Seokmin doesn’t take the time to process, wrapping the blanket around himself more tightly and wiggling free of Seokmin’s bed to lay down in his own instead.

Soonyoung brings the phone closer to his face, his smile loosing some of it’s bright, excited edge, melting into something more tender. “It’s like 6 in the morning, isn’t it?”

“Something like that,” Seokmin says, shrugging one shoulder. He’s forgotten how tired he is anyway. “But I wanted to watch your performance.”

“I should’ve just done it for you when I got back,” Soonyoung says, rubbing the back of his neck with a small laugh.

“It’s fun watching like this,” Seokmin says, shaking his head quickly. “I don’t mind it.”

Soonyoung nods, his throat bobbing around a hard swallow. “I’m gonna see you again in a few days.”

“Yeah,” Seokmin says, all his breath leaving him with just that one word.

Even so far apart, Seokmin can feel the electric tension of the moment in the back of his throat. It hangs over the both of them like the pressure of an impending storm, making the air heavy and dense.

“I should get back inside,” Soonyoung says, licking his lips. The moment breaks but the heavy cloud doesn’t lift— probably will stay hanging over Seokmin until he sees Soonyoung again and the last of the ghosts hanging between them are banished.

“Okay,” Seokmin says, his hands squeezing too tight around nothing. “I’ll see you soon, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says, his smile lifting once more. “It feels good to say it, right? I’ll see you soon.”

He hangs up the call and Seokmin slams his laptop shut, bending forward to hide his face between his knees with a groan.

“So,” Mingyu says, not as asleep as Seokmin thought he was. “Are you gonna tell him you’re in love with him?”

“I don’t know,” Seokmin says, sitting up and sinking back against his pillows with a sigh. “I guess? He probably already knows.”

“It doesn’t count unless you say it,” Mingyu says, peeking out from under his blanket. Seokmin could point out how stupid that sounds coming from Mingyu, who certainly hasn’t _said_ anything to Minghao in the past year. He decides not to, but he does wish a thousand years of terrible bedhead on Mingyu. It only serves him right, anyway.

“I will,” Seokmin says, putting more conviction than he actually has in his voice. He sets his computer safely to the side of his bed, sinking under the blankets. More quietly, just for himself, he repeats it. “I will.”

Mingyu hums from the other side of the room, probably already halfway asleep. Seokmin shuts his eyes as well, trying not to think about how he’s going to have to find the courage to actually say that to Soonyoung’s face.

**{* * *}**

In his last few days before leaving LA, Soonyoung entertained one thought more than anything— a fantasy of how he was going to make some grand romantic gesture to really demonstrate his feelings for Seokmin. In his head it was amazing and fantastic; he’d march off the plane with a whole band in tow and profess his love in a ballad that Seokmin would join him in singing and the whole airport terminal would cheer for the both of them. Or, maybe more realistically, he’d find a place to at least buy flowers to give to Seokmin to make it seem a little more romantic.

What happens in reality is this:

Soonyoung spends the whole flight home sick thinking about all the ways this could go horribly wrong.

He gets on the plane and halfway through he wants to beg the pilot to turn around and take them back to California because there’s no way he’ll actually be able to face Seokmin.

He gets off the plane on wobbly legs and drags himself to the nearest bathroom to splash water on his face in the hopes he won’t look like such a panicked mess when Seokmin sees him.

By the time he’s riding the escalator to the proper baggage claim, Soonyoung has never been less ready for anything in his whole life. He’s not very prone to stage fright, but this is probably what it feels like. He’s only moments away from throwing up and ruining the pretty floral purse of the auntie standing in front of him.

He’s wearing Seokmin’s old gray hoodie, in the hopes it would give him some kind of strength to actually go through with things, his cell phone tucked into the front pocket. He begged Mingyu to give him a ride a few weeks ago to avoid paying the cab fees again and even though Soonyoung didn’t _ask_ , Seokmin promised he would be there too.

So when he comes to the top of the escalator and sees both of them standing by a bench, there’s no reason for his stomach to drop the way it does. Soonyoung almost falls flat on his face, forgetting to actually step off of the moving staircase before the step under him vanishes into the machine. He stumbles, catching himself, a nervous laugh falling out of his mouth.

In spite of what all the movies he’s watched have led him to believe, time doesn’t stop when he and Seokmin actually meet each other’s eyes. Soonyoung does, however, forget to breathe or move, it’s just that the rest of the world doesn’t have the courtesy to stop along with him.

There’s a few frozen seconds before either of them actually react. Soonyoung’s captured breath leaves his lungs in a hard huff and Seokmin takes a tentative step toward him.

Soonyoung remembers to breathe and they are, in the next instant, somehow already wrapped up in each other’s arms. Soonyoung can’t be held responsible for remembering things like who kissed who, only that they _are_ kissing and some part of himself that he didn’t realize was so sorely missing has already found its way back into place.

Unfortunately, once he’s started kissing Seokmin, it becomes impossible for him to stop. He flutters tiny pecks against his cheeks, the proud line of his nose, his eyebrows, until Seokmin is laughing and clinging to Soonyoung’s shoulders in an effort to stay upright.

“Hyung!” He says, pushing Soonyoung a step back, a grin on his face. “We should find your bags.”

“I’m not done,” Soonyoung says, pushing his lower lip out in a pout. Seokmin laughs again, squeezing Soonyoung’s shoulders but not putting any further distance between them. Soonyoung reaches out, his arms hooking around Seokmin’s waist, hauling him in close again.

Distance is something they’ve already had far too much of.

“Hey,” he says, tilting his head back just a little to look up at Seokmin properly, nervous energy buzzing through his whole body once again. Part of him wants to just continue with kissing Seokmin for the rest of his life and screw the rest of it. But that’s how the two of them ended up like this in the first place. Seokmin smiles, bending his head forward, resting their foreheads softly together.

“Hey,” Seokmin says, more softly.

Soonyoung’s heart is beating so fast that it could easily rupture straight through his chest.

“I love you,” Soonyoung says, the words heavy as they leave his mouth. He swallows hard, not quite daring to lift his eyes to see Seokmin’s face, staring at one of the small moles on the side of his neck instead. Despite the fact that they’re standing in the middle of the terminal, people bustling around, Mingyu fifteen feet away probably recording everything, Soonyoung’s voice is soft, trapped inside the tiny bubble the two of them have created. “I hope that’s okay.”

For a long moment, Seokmin is quiet. When Soonyoung finally manages to swallow his terror and look up, his eyes are full of tears, a smile still on his face. Seokmin doesn’t even seem to be aware of them, even when his lashes come away wet when he blinks.

“Yeah,” he says, a dangerous quiver running through his voice. “I love you, Soonyoung-hyung.”

“Dummy,” Soonyoung says, undeniably fond, leaning his head back to kiss the center of Seokmin’s forehead, wiping one of the tears off his cheek. “You’re not supposed to cry when someone tells you that.”

“Sorry,” Seokmin says, grinning even as he blinks more tears out of his eyes. “I just… missed you.”

“I should’ve said it before,” Soonyoung says, his voice going softer than he intends. “I wanted to say it to your face like this.”

Seokmin shakes his head though Soonyoung isn’t sure what part he’s disagreeing with. He doesn’t stop to clarify, pressing his mouth to Soonyoung’s again.

Really, Soonyoung could stand there for the next month and do nothing but kiss Seokmin but Mingyu clears his throat from a few feet away, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly when they both look up. “Um, I’m gonna get a ticket.”

Soonyoung lets Mingyu haul the both of them through collecting his bags and shuffling into the car but refuses to let go of Seokmin entirely, even when they’re seated in Mingyu’s car, holding hands over the center console.

It’ll be awhile before Soonyoung is ready to let go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, there's the end of a 50,000 word fic that I never meant to write. I hope you enjoyed and even if you didn't thank you for reading! A big thank you as always to Shaye for not only listening to 3 months of me bitching about this fic but also helping me edit it. I'm claiming that this is still my DK day fic because it's 2/18 where I live and that's what counts.
> 
> You can listen to me scream about Seokmin on twitter @dumbkyeomie if you too love one whole boy with all your heart.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this fic has been a labor of love since the middle of November, when I thought it might be a good idea to write a "short" two-shot fic with this concept.
> 
> The second half will e posted either on DK's birthday, or slightly after if I don't manage to finish it in time.


End file.
